Monday, June 30, 2008

Transgendered Sea Anemone Denounced as "Abomination By Clergy

The dually gendered Telia felina sea anemone, which Baptist leaders are denouncing as "base and depraved."
"This filthy anemone, which exhibits both male and female characteristics, is turning our oceans' intertidal zones into dens of sin and perversion," said Rev. William Chester, spokesman for the Save Our Seas Coalition, a Huntsville-based activist group dedicated to "the preservation of aquatic decency and morality." "For God knows how long, this twisted sea creature has been running rampant in our oceans, spreading its unnatural, bisexual lifestyle. And it's high time somebody took a stand."

The controversial anemone, common to warm-water reefs and basins worldwide, has been practicing its alternative sexual lifestyle at least as far back as 1859, when Charles Darwin first catalogued its phylum and species. Since then, over 40 subspecies of Telia felina have been identified as dually gendered.

The Baptist group also strongly denounced the anemone's reproductive habits and family structure.

"Unlike so many respectable, God-fearing creatures, the Telia felina reproduces asexually, openly mocking traditional family values by giving birth to and raising its young in a single-parent setting," Chester said. "This anti-Christian anemone, which has the audacity to think that a child can grow up properly without the benefit of two loving parents, is truly the Murphy Brown of the deep."

Added Chester: "If you still doubt the pain and suffering wrought by this undersea abomination, just look into the eyes of a young anemone child forced to grow up wondering why Mommy and Daddy live in the same body. This, my friends, is not natural."

As part of its campaign against the invertebrate, Save Our Seas is calling upon Greenpeace and other environmental groups to cease their defense of endangered species and regions that fail to uphold high moral standards. The group is also threatening a boycott of aquariums that display the Telia felina or any other creature of questionable character.

"Is this the kind of marine invertebrate we want our children to see on their school field trips to the aquarium?" Chester asked. "By putting this sort of filth on display in our nation's aquariums—aquariums that are often federally funded with your tax dollars—we send our children the message that the transsexual lifestyle is not merely to be accepted, but encouraged."

"It is truly sad to see what could have been an upstanding Christian creature cross over to a life of depravity and abasement," Pastor Kenneth Boyle, director of the Loaves And Fishes Academy Of Christian Marine Biology, said of the Telia felina. "Just look at its flamboyant bright green and gold coloration. And its hundreds of effeminate tentacles, which sway back and forth temptingly in an effort to lure the spiritually weak. The Bible says that on the fifth day, God filled the oceans with living creatures, but surely this is not what He intended."

Sunday, June 29, 2008

Court to Mull Individual Right to Drill for Oil


When the U.S. Supreme Court reconvenes on the first Monday in October, the nine Justices may consider whether the Constitutional preamble clause “secure the Blessings of Liberty to ourselves and our Posterity” guarantees an individual right to drill for oil.
Now that the court, in a 5-4 ruling on the Heller case, has upheld the Second Amendment right of “the people,” not just state-run militias, to keep and bear arms, some scholars say the court may be willing to go the next logical step and recognize the peoples’ right to acquire their own fuel.
With gasoline around $4 per gallon, the U.S. Congress continues to prevent Americans from drilling and refining, a move that would increase supply, and thus lower prices. However, so-called “Preamble advocates”, argue that the founding document guarantees the right of citizens to drill here and now.
“The two issues are quite similar,” said Loren Swelk, America’s most widely-read Constitutional scholar. “It’s all about throwing off the yoke of tyranny. Whether that’s by arming oneself with a gun as a safeguard against political despots, or building a derrick on one’s own property to secure the blessings of liquid liberty, these are fundamental Constitutional rights.”

Saturday, June 28, 2008

Breaking News


"Barack Obama Can Kiss My Ass".

A senior Democrat who worked for Bill Clinton has revealed that the former president recently told friends Barack Obama could "kiss my ass" in return for his support. "He's been angry for a while," the unnamed source told Britain's The Telegraph newspaper. "But everyone thought he would get over it. He hasn't."

Another great comment to add to the legacy of our first "White Trash" president.

Obama Calls for Ghetto Black Change


Washington, D.C.-"America, I see a bright, black future ahead. I have a dream- a dream that one day Americans can stand hand-in-hand and rap Crank That with Soulja Boy." These stunning remarks were part of Obama's want-to-be Martin Luther King I Have a Dream Speech.

As part of Senator Obama's call for change, he has stated that he wants to "ghettoize" Washington to celebrate the election of the first African-American President.

"Yes America, it is time we get dirty with Snoop Dogg. As a member of a gang myself, I understand the importance of a friendly group of well-knit youngsters. Therefore, as part of my plan of Ghetto Black Change, I call for the ghettoization of America; starting with building gangs in Washington and spreading them across the U.S."

Dead silence greeted Obama from the right-wing news section of Fox News and joyous yells and a few break-dancers saluted him from the left-wing section of CNN.

Obama also called for the "ghettoization" of laws. Instead of legalize, lawmakers under an Obama Administration will have to word all matters of legislation in "gangsta talk."

"The basic difference is that instead of saying something like "Mr. President" say "Mr. Mcfizzle my nizzle fo'rizzle Prez! Additionally, in all legislation lawmakers need to insert 'fizzle, nizzle, hizzle, shizzle, fo'rizzle, and bizzle' between every other word. This is just to promote the gangsta lifestyle and ghettoize congress."

"Fo' rizzle, America, I have a frizzlin' dream, and I rizzly want you to be a hizzlin' part of it. Americans, start today and call fo'rizzle ghetto black change in your bizzlin' neighborhood. Thank you America and have a fo'rizzlin' Goodnight!"

Friday, June 27, 2008

My Two Cents Worth


Calling an illegal alien an 'undocumented immigrant' is like calling a drug dealer an 'unlicensed pharmacist'.

Thursday, June 26, 2008

FDA Bans Placebo Pills

In order to placate the American public's fear that medical aid is not high on his agenda, President George W. Bush has issued the following statement.

"To show my high regard for the health and welfare of Americans, effective immediately, I am ordering the FDA to ban the Placebo. I have known all along that it doesn't work and it never will. Any attempts to purchase placebos from Canada will be dealt with accordingly."

This latest revelation contradicts all past theories of the efficacy of the Placebo pill.

The American public had been told that Placebos should be totally ineffective. There had been scattered reports that some drug manufacturers had covered up their own research results that demonstrated that the Placebo, in fact, had been 15% effective in patients suffering from Hemoglobula, Periotenathy, Stigmata, and rare cases of Osmostatia.

It had been suggested that the alleged cover-up was to prevent patients, in need of medical improvement might, in fact, start taking Placebos instead of the more expensive and profit making drugs.

According to Dr. Heinrich Melanoma, Surgeon General of the United States, in conjunction with the FDA, "The Placebo just doesn't work."

The Federal Drug Administration had just released their latest report that will ban the use of the medical pill, Placebo, generically known as 'the 'Sugar Pill'. Manufacturers of the Placebo will cease production immediately. Hospitals and pharmacies will destroy remaining stock. Patients who have been dispensed Placebos should cease taking them and flush them down the toilet.

Extensive research, that had been carried out by the FDA in conjunction with the John Hopkins University Medical University, the Mayo Clinic, Tufts Medical University and Duke University have confirmed that the Placebo is not 100% effective.

The accumulative toxicology reports indicated that by using the research processes of Laser Nano-Technotologies, Radio-Active Croutons, CSI, and AARP's, it was revealed that some patients actually showed signs of improvement using the Placebo rather than the medication originally scheduled to be used. According to Dr. Melanoma, "It is our obligation and duty to prevent the public from being cured by using Placebos rather than the pharmaceutically prescribed medication."

President Bush lauded the Surgeons General's decision. The president further re-iterated, "This is why I only appoint credible people to my cabinet, people that believe in truthiness."

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Common Sense Missing From Energy Debate

Gordon MacAlister wouldn’t make a very good politician. He relies more on common sense than on advisers when it comes to examining a problem. Take the oil crisis for example.

Gordon has given it some thought, and he has come to some conclusions.

“No matter what we do toward the advancement of alternative fuels today, the brutal truth is that there are industries that are dependent upon petroleum and will continue thus for perhaps decades to come: shipping, a national and international airline system, rail service trucking, farming, plastics and . . . the military.

“A piece of scratch paper, a pencil stub, a half a cup of good old American coffee, and you will have a long list of your own that may astound you.

“How green can we be how fast? Not very.” Gordon seems like a very practical man. In his thoughtful conversation with me he concludes that “in my opinion, I don’t think we will soon be seeing solar panels or cumbersome batteries incorporated into the wings or bellies of airplanes, or in trains, 18-wheelers, John Deere or Caterpillar” machines any time soon”.

He also would not be eager to volunteer to be “strapped into a first-generation hybrid transoceanic aircraft. I also would be distressed to learn that our military was unable to respond where and when needed due to having to recharge transport planes, the hummer, the Bradley or vessels of our Navy. . . .

“And, least I forget, should we not consider such community services as law enforcement, fire departments, air and ground ambulance service and public transportation?” . . .

“What I’m thinking with my bachelor-of-arts educated, checkbook challenges, non-elitist brain is that the drill-no drill mud slinging has little to do with reality," Gordon says.

What he’d like to see is an orderly, assertive effort to develop affordable, alternative fuels. But he realizes that it probably will take a few decades to perfect them, get them to market and to replace the existing fleets of cars, trains and planes (and buses and ships and tractors and heavy construction equipment).

In the meantime, we shouldn’t continue to be held hostage by the producers of foreign oil, when we have plenty of the stuff under our own ground - and the technology to get it out.

As Gordon knows, but some politicians have forgotten, millions of Americans can’t afford to trade in a 10-year-old truck for a shiny, new hybrid vehicle - regardless of $4-a-gallon gasoline.

“These are the folks who comprise our American working class, blue-collar families who pilot vehicles that are five, 10, 15 years old and older, because they drive what they can afford.

“These primarily are the same good citizens who need vans, delivery trucks, pickups, 4-by-4s, tractors, combines and heavy equipment because these are tools of their livelihood.”

Out of necessity, he reasons, “the very core of our American working-class society will continue to use fossil-based fuels to power what they have.”

Simply put, they can’t afford to trade in their 10-year-old sedan, which is paid off and in good working condition, for a stylishly new and hip $23,000 hybrid. They are having trouble as it is, without a monthly car payment, trying to buy groceries every week and keep the lights and heat on in their homes.

I suspect that Gordon isn’t alone in being “sick to death of the rancorous debates concerning the pros and cons of drilling for oil within our nationally controlled boundaries,” and in his yearning for an honest, common-sense debate on the practical course American should set in its energy policy.

He suggests that it would be a “wise investment” to develop existing U.S. oil resources while pursuing alternatives that probably won’t be available and affordable for the mass market for a generation or two.

He doesn’t have a staff of advisers to help him on this. He’s just equipped with a sheet of paper, a pencil, a cup of coffee and a heap of common sense.

Is anyone listening to him?

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Obama, Racism and the Facts.

What's "Racist" about the facts . . they're all true.

Gotta ask . . If all he's ever done is "Community Service" how'd he get rich?

If he's been only involved in Black communities and a black racist church, how can he relate to the needs and feelings of the other races?

Why hasn't Obama talked about his "Mixed heritage", rather than get in "I'm Blacker than you" contests?

The first black President should be elected when race makes no difference to HIM, and that damned sure isn't the case for Obama. . John Kennedy didn't get elected because he was a Catholic, nor an Irishman, and he would not debate either. In the case of Obama, when you see the man, there's no doubt that he might have African ancestry, so why doe HE make such a big deal of it?

Tiger Woods, Colin Powell, or Condi Rice don’t. . Arthur Ashe didn't. And these are but a few of the people who have achieved and excelled in our country, and in several cases, not only excelling, but being the first to hold their titles as Americans of African ancestry. They, none of them, needed to constantly remind the rest of us that they might be "Blacker" than someone else. . You never heard anyone say, Colin Powell is a Four Star General because he "Black", nor did Arthur Ashe become a Wimbledon Tennis Star because he was "Blacker" than someone else. . And no one cared what Arthur was, because he was a Damn Good Tennis Player, first and foremost. .

He just a darker version of Jimmy Carter, and if he ever figures out what he's going to do about pretty much everything he knows little about currently, it'll probably be either wrong or whatever the Congress and Senate wants if he's elected . . Racism is HIS message, not the Republicans.

HIS 527s are already buying hate and fear ads against McCain. . Do you think for a minute the Republican 527s aren't going to touch on most of the above? They are probably, but they haven't yet, and McCain has refrained, and in some cases, put down ads that might represent racial overtones. Again, Obama is the one bringing this to the surface, and in some instances, calling attention to something that hasn't even been said or happened yet. .

Saturday, June 21, 2008

Dear John: They're not that into you


"Dear Greg, I've been dating a guy since I was 23. I'm 28 now. We started talking about marriage two years ago, and he said he wasn't 'ready.' So we moved in together to help him get 'ready.' ... Does he need more time, or is he just not that into marrying me?"

The above comes from the self-help book (now a movie) "He's Just Not That Into You." Co-author Greg Behrendt replies:

"Dear Waiting at the Altar, He's right. Why rush? It's only been five years. He's going to know you so much better after 10. ... Yep, my lovely, I know it's hard to hear, but better to hear it now than 10 years from now." In sum, he's just not that into you.

Would someone please send this book to John McCain?

Ever since the religious right slimed him and his family in the 2000 South Carolina Republican primary — thus reviving the candidacy of George W. Bush, whom McCain had just clobbered in New Hampshire — McCain has been courting the very people he then called "agents of intolerance."

But years of carrying armloads of flowers to religious conservatives have engendered little reciprocation. Listen to the cold response of Lori Viars, an evangelical activist, when asked whether she and her colleagues would work for McCain as they had for Bush:

"I think a lot of us are in a holding pattern."

McCain has sacrificed so much of his moderate image for them, and this is the thanks he gets. Nothing new here. For all his efforts to appease social conservatives, McCain scored dead last out of nine Republicans in the October Values Voter Straw Poll — right behind pro-choice Rudy Giuliani!

The sad thing about McCain is that he was never into the very people who are not into him, while doing very little for those who might be. New polls show independents evenly split between Barack Obama and McCain, despite their dismal views of the Republican Party.

For starters, McCain should temper his official anti-choice position with a Giuliani-esque declaration that while personally opposed to abortion, he would not want it outlawed. McCain himself said that in 2000.

I happen to believe that as president, McCain would not seek the repeal of Roe v. Wade, the Supreme Court decision guaranteeing a right to abortion (and if he did, Democrats would stop him). But saying that he wouldn't do what he says he will do in his campaign literature is not the most convincing of arguments. The smarter Obama campaign, meanwhile, has the candidate out proclaiming his religiosity before moderate evangelicals — and without altering his liberal views.

(Note from the Department of Short Memories: One recalls the purple apoplexy when Republican Mike Huckabee ran a Christmastide TV ad that the left insisted featured a cross, which the ad maker said was just the lines of a bookshelf. "Hypocrite Huckabee Leaves His Cross in Iowa," read a headline in The Nation. Five months later, an Obama flyer in Kentucky shows the "committed Christian" at a pulpit before a giant cross — no ambiguity here — and there's nary a squeak from stage left.)

McCain has taken baby steps toward winning moderates who would vote for him if only he'd give them something. For instance, he recently reminded Clinton backers that he had voted to confirm two of the Supreme Court's leading liberals, Stephen Breyer and Ruth Bader Ginsburg.

But it's time for bolder action from McCain. He should tell religious conservatives, "I've given you what I've got, and it's more than you'll get from the other guy," and then sprint to the center, where so many would appreciate a phone call.

Friday, June 20, 2008

Obama Rejects Public Funds for Campaign, Entitlements

Presidential nominee Sen. Barack Obama announced today that in addition to rejecting taxpayer funding for his general election campaign, he will also forgo public funding for government entitlement programs once he reaches the White House.
“The public financing of presidential elections as it exists today is broken,” said Sen. Obama. “The public financing of government-run entitlement programs is even worse. The only way to stop the political corruption of both systems is to get the pigs away from the trough.”
The Illinois Democrat said he would raise his own money for the campaign in small amounts from millions of Americans, and that “private charities across the land will do the same thing to provide for the needs of the hungry, the poor, the homeless and the sick.”
By rejecting forced taxpayer-funding, Sen. Obama “we hope to give birth to a truly Great Society in which more Americans will get personally involved the lives of others, bringing a human face to hope and love, and setting in motion waves of compassion from sea to shining sea.”

Thursday, June 19, 2008

We Need an Annual Reprieve From the Daily Doom Report


Now that every day is Earth Day, we need a new kind of holiday. We need an annual break from bad environmental news. The year-round glumfest about...

Now that every day is Earth Day, we need a new kind of holiday. We need an annual break from bad environmental news.

The year-round glumfest about drowning polar bears, dying honeybees and the general futility of it all is raising consciousness but crushing spirits (or at least mine). We need a day of rest — a time to pretend, as we did in the 1990s, that the party could last forever.

The other 364 days we can stick to the new normal, flogging ourselves about carbon and fretting about an uncertain future.

Lately, each week brings a fresh variation on the theme of "we're doomed." The stories come in three varieties. First, we're destroying the environment with our old bad habits, like building golf courses in the desert.

Second, we're making things worse with our new good habits, like embracing corn-based ethanol, which is contributing to a global food crisis and (wait, there's more!) deforestation.

Third, we're too late. We can sell our cars and walk on our knees to work, but the oceans will continue to rise. People in China and India, seeking a higher standard of living, will cancel out our feeble attempts to consume less. The furry little cubs will sink beneath the surface of the sea, unable to overcome forces set in motion a century ago.

It's a miracle we're able to function at all, weighed down by the Daily Doom Report.

"Dude, where's my iceberg?" the news headline blares, prompting a familiar mix of irritation and despair.

"Do you have time to save a polar bear today?" the Greenpeace solicitors ask, so chipper that you want to punch them.

I think you see what I'm getting at here.

We need a break.

The new holiday could be a special national reprieve. Everyone would agree to give it a rest for 24 hours. No pestering from environmental groups. No grim stories about five-legged frogs or collapsing salmon runs. No one would be allowed to bring up peak oil, water shortages, dead zones or the chemicals in your favorite shampoo.

Best of all, everyone would be pardoned from feeling anxious about their big clomping carbon footprints. Just for a day, we could all drive our cars for as many miles as we can afford, and no one would open their piehole about taking the bus.

The idea of an environmental holiday may not be popular with some readers. They will write and say it's people like you who ruin the environment by being flippant and thoughtless. To them I apologize in advance, as part of a personal initiative to conserve energy by avoiding conflict.

But I'd also add this. Look, you won. The world now realizes that you are right. You were right back in the 1970s, when environmentalism was a lifestyle choice rather than a global necessity.

You are right that it will take a worldwide, nonstop effort to limit the damage.

This is precisely why we now need an annual day of rest. Just one day.

We'd go to the history museum and gaze fondly at the Ford F-150, next to the dinosaurs. We'd reminisce about old road trips to Vegas, fast food in Styrofoam containers and Costco multipacks of batteries.

Then we'd turn on all the lights and crank the A/C and heat simultaneously. And just for a while it would be morning in America, when green was just a color and everything was free.

Monday, June 16, 2008

Greetings from Tiger


I Know you watched me win the U.S.Open today after a grueling 19 hole playoff with Rocco. I imagine you winced as I limped up the 18th fairway, my recent knee surgery not yet completely healed, but afterwards in the lockerroom I couldn't help but notice your product hasn't been endorsed by anyone yet.


My specially designed Tiger Woods TAG Heuer watch read 5:45 p.m. this afternoon when I got back from the awards ceremony. After showering and shaving with my favorite Tiger Woods Gillette Champions razor and getting in a few rounds of EA Sports' Tiger Woods PGA Tour 08, I picked up the copy of Golf Digest on the lockerroom lounge table—the one with my ad for TLC Laser Eye Centers. What caught my attention, however, was an advertisement on the adjoining page for your product, Pine-Sol.

Call me crazy, but it looks like you're lacking a big-time celebrity endorser. Yes, you have that sassy fat black woman who appears in commercials and print ads, but she's hardly a celebrity. I'm talking about someone with name recognition. Maybe even someone who's won, say, 66 professional golf tournaments, 14 major championships, and has been named PGA Tour Player of the Year nine times? Your lady may be funny, but is she the most marketable athlete in the world with a supermodel wife, a new baby girl, millions in the bank, multiracial appeal, and a great goddamn smile?

No.

Even now, I just can't stop thinking about how foolish you've been for never approaching me about endorsing Pine-Sol. Is it the money that concerns you? Because let me tell you something: When you are dealing with a Tiger Woods endorsement, money should be the last thing on your mind. What you should be thinking is how, with my face on every container, we are going to move more Pine-Sol than you ever thought possible.

Look, when you get Tiger Woods, you're getting Tiger Woods—the guy who made it cool for kids to want to play golf, for Christ's sake.

Bottom line, you need me, and I'm ready to break into the domestic-products arena. Despite my work with Accenture, many people still think of me as cold and calculated. A couple of Pine-Sol ads where my mom shows me how easy it is to clean my bathroom ("Oh Mom, you're embarrassing me!"—you know, that kind of crap) and we're all set.

But if you don't move on this fast, tomorrow I'm all over the TV with my new Tiger Woods–strength Lysol Wipes. Think about it.

Plain and simple, I would do an excellent job endorsing Pine-Sol. You know it, I know it, the makers of the all-new Gatorade Tiger most certainly know it. A high quality, all-purpose cleaner such as Pine-Sol deserves an endorser who is an ultra competitor—someone who will go to the mat for you no matter what. No way I'm going to half-ass it like Roger Federer or David Beckham would.

See, Tiger Woods likes to get his hands dirty. As your front man, I would work day and night with your scientists to create an all-purpose cleaning formula worthy of the Tiger Woods name. We'll call it "Tiger-Sol" and it will come in a variety of pleasing scents, including Tiger-Berry, Tiger-Apple, Tiger-Peach, Lemon-Tiger—you get the picture. And when Tiger-Sol hits stores, those other bush-league cleaners will have no business even being on the same shelves, let alone trying to make the same bathroom sink sparkle.

I can do it all. Humorous commercials where I'm putting for the U.S. Open championship in my bathtub and I notice there's grime between my ball and the drain that will force the putt off-line. How do I get rid of the grime? Pine-Sol. I sink the putt, the gallery in my bathroom goes crazy, I do one of my signature fist pumps, and you just sold 3 million bottles of Pine-Sol.

Then we move into more artsy commercials where I'm hitting golf balls in slow motion in the rain and my voice-over comes in and says, "Pine-Sol." And for prime-time TV, we'll do one of those mass-appeal commercials where I clean a kitchen with Asian, white, and black kids. We all laugh and start splashing each other, and I get hit on the cheek with a big wad of soap suds. I make my upset face and there's a pause, because all the kids think I'm going to get angry, but I don't. I laugh it off because I'm Tiger Woods and America loves me.

Within a week you'll have kids demanding their parents buy Pine-Sol because Tiger Woods just made cleaning the house awesome. They'll associate your product with 400-yard drives, and being handsome, fit, and effortlessly charming. Then they're hooked on Pine-Sol from the age of 5 until the day they die.

In the end, this is all very simple. Basically, what you have to ask yourself, Pine-Sol, is do you want to make half a billion dollars today or not? That's it. And if there's still any doubt in your mind, think about this: If I've convinced an entire populace that I drive a lame ass Buick, I can sure as shit sell a bottle of Pine-Sol.

Sunday, June 15, 2008

Breaking News


Come for the Cheap Gas, Stay for the Donkey Show
SAN DIEGO (AP) -- If there's pain at the pump in the U.S., Mexico may just have a remedy. A gallon of regular unleaded gasoline in San Diego retails for an average price of $4.61 a gallon. A few miles south, in Tijuana, it's about $2.54 - even less if you pay in pesos.
More and more people appear to be taking advantage of the lower price.
"I used to buy exclusively in the U.S. before gas started really going up," said Patrick Garcia, a drama teacher at an elementary school in San Diego who lives in Tijuana. "Since then, I've been buying all my gas in Tijuana."
The lower prices mean a U.S. motorist could save almost $54 filling up a two-year-old Ford F150 pickup with a 26-gallon fuel tank in Mexico.
The differential in diesel is even greater, selling at $5.04 a gallon in San Diego County and $2.20 in Tijuana.
Paul Covarrubias, 26, who lives in Chula Vista and works in construction in San Diego, crosses the border each week just to refuel his dual-cab Ford F-250 pickup.
"I fill it up with diesel in Tijuana for $60," he said. "It would be almost twice that in San Diego."
Gas is cheaper in Mexico because of a government subsidy intended to keep inflationary forces in check.
Still, international gas-buying trips don't make sense for everyone. The wait getting back into the U.S. at the border in Tijuana frequently takes longer than two hours and cars can burn about a gallon of gas for each hour they idle.

For Pete's Sake, it is George's Fault After All


As I understand it - and there is very little that I seem to understand about it - the world oil crisis is no longer established by supply and demand.

They lied to us back in the times of Hurricane Katrina and many other occasions.

They said it was disrupted supply - the hurricane, a damaged pipeline, a refinery shut down for maintenance - that caused the cost of gasoline to inch up a few pennies a week, from $1.99 to $2.05 and from $2.49 to $2.54 a gallon.

And every couple of months or so, the price would fall 10 or 15 cents, then temporarily level off - but never falling to the cost of six or eight months earlier - always starting its climb from a higher and higher level.

Then at some point a year or so ago, the climb started to make bigger steps, every couple of days, and it never inched down. Not even for a week. Meanwhile we haven’t heard reports of giant hurricanes in the oil countries or ruptures of critical pipelines or refineries being closed for repair and cleaning.

All those years, they’d been lying to us, from the oil fields to Congress.

Now there’s a new excuse. Speculators, they say, are driving the price of oil into the stratosphere, or higher. Supply and demand apparently aren’t a factor anymore. No matter how much less we buy, conservation is putting no downward pressure on the oil market. Producers apparently aren’t short of supply - have you heard anyone in Mexico or the United States or Canada complain about not being able to fill their tank?

Less demand and a plentiful supply hasn’t seemed to matter.

Now I’m beginning to think that domestic drilling isn’t necessarily an answer. I’m told that if ANWR is developed in the Alaskan Arctic, it will be sold at the world market price, and there’s not enough of it to affect that price. It won’t just be sold to North Americans at a lower price, it will be dumped into the world supply at the (ever increasing) world price.

Taxes aren’t the answer. High taxes in Europe have kept prices there higher than the U.S. price for decades. When gas cost $1.50 a gallon here, it was selling for nearly $5 a gallon in places like Italy.

Democrats who want to tax the oil companies in the United States will only drive our prices higher, on everything from gasoline at the pump to food on the grocery shelves.

U.S. Sen. Ken Salazar of Colorado (I voted for the other guy) delivered an emphatic statement last week, and the press release containing the text of that address was headlined: “We need to be honest about our energy future.”

That means, of course, that they’ve been lying to us, and now it’s time to get honest.

Thanks, Senator.

Then he goes on to note than “since 2001” the price of oil has risen more than 400 percent, and that “over the last eight years” our dependence on foreign oil has increased.

Hummm, let’s see: 2001 was the year Republican George Bush was inaugurated as president.

So, now that we’re being honest, the rapid rise in the world oil price is determined by the president of the United States - apparently a new phenomenon that went into effect in 2001, and was never before a driving factor.

Forget about OPEC. Forget about Democratic opposition to developing new producing fields and refineries over the past 40 years. Forget about nuclear power. Forget about hurricanes and broken pipelines and old refineries.

Now that we’re being honest, we can say it’s an eight-year-old problem, and it’s George Bush who actually sets the world price of oil.

Aha! Now if we just elect a Democrat president supported by a veto-proof Democrat Congress, the world price of oil will begin dropping like rock.

Oh, and the moon will turn to cheese.

OK, so now that we’re all being honest, we know the answer to the world oil crisis - elect all Democrats, who don’t have a stated plan, to Washington in 2008.

Now I understand. Thank goodness for honesty.

Saturday, June 14, 2008

Obama Family Not Distracted by Dad's TelePrompTer


Sources close to the Obama family say that, at home, Michelle and the girls often get so caught up in Barack Obama’s stirring rhetorical flourishes that they hardly notice the TelePrompTer.
One of Mrs. Obama’s old college friends said, “Michelle still tears up when she talks about Barack’s historic ‘Will You Marry Me?’ address. She said he really bridged the racial divide, while calling for change and a new kind of bipartisanship.”
“He planned every little detail of the speech,” said the unnamed source, “He even made sure that when he took a knee to pop the question, he’d still have a clear line-of-sight to the TelePrompTer. Although Michelle knew it was written by a paid staffer, the way he delivered it really made it his own. Very personal.”
The Illinois senator’s daughters reportedly love how “Daddy tilts his head at an angle during dramatic pauses in bedtime stories, as if waiting for the applause to die down. His hypnotic repetition of ‘I do not like green eggs and ham. I do not like them Sam I am’ often brings the girls to their feet.”
However, neighbors and close friends also report that the Democrat presidential nominee has never performed as well during informal conversation around the house, or over the fence with neighbors while doing yard work.
“He fumbles for words,” said one Hyde Park resident who often sees Sen. Obama at the Wal-Mart. “He’s gazing about as if searching in vain for a cue card.”
Impromptu settings and unanticipated questions can also lead to embarrassing gaffes.
“Who could forget the night when Barack told his two daughters he loved all four of them,” said one anonymous friend.Another source noted that Michelle and the girls “looked dismayed” when, during an unscripted moment at the dinner table, Mr. Obama said, “We can’t drive our SUVs and eat as much as we want and keep our homes on 72 degrees at all times … and then just expect that other countries are going to say OK. That’s not leadership. That’s not going to happen

Friday, June 13, 2008

Al Qaeda Court to Grant Beheadees Habeas Corpse Writs

As a goodwill gesture in the wake of the U.S. Supreme Court’s 5-4 decision to grant writs of habeas corpus to detainees at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, al Qaeda today announced it would grant its beheadees what it called “writs of habeas corpse.”
Under the Supreme Court’s Boumediene v. Bush ruling, an enemy combatant facing trial before a military tribunal can now petition a U.S. court for a writ of habeas corpus allowing him to challenge his detention in a civilian U.S. court, essentially granting him the rights of an American citizen.
The Qaeda court, however, lacking a large number of detainees, said it would allow any of its beheadees to petition for the right to appear in an Islamic Court.
“We feel this is even more generous than the unilateral U.S. decision,” said an unnamed Qaeda Court spokesman, “because we’ll actually issue two writs for each beheadee to assure the court has his undivided attention.”

Thursday, June 12, 2008

Apple to Release iPhone 3.0 Before 2.0 Launch

Apple’s CEO Steve Jobs announced today that product development cycles at the Cupertino, California, firm have become so fast that the company plans to release iPhone 3.0 at the end of June, more than a week before the previously scheduled release of version 2.0.
The second new edition of the popular mobile computing platform to be announced this week, iPhone 3.0 is even thinner and more powerful than the unreleased 2.0 model.
“iPhone 3.0 will sell for only $19.99,” said Mr. Jobs, “and it’s so amazingly cool you’ll feel like an idiot that you even got excited when I announced version 2.0 earlier this week.”
The unreleased version 2.0 will go from “instant classic” to obsolete without ever being sold to a single customer.
Of course, most owners of the original iPhone had already sold their devices on eBay to avoid the embarrassment of being caught on July 11 with old technology in hand.

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Breaking News


Aspen Colorado and Mt. Hood Oregon receive a half a foot of new global warming snow saying June skiing is excellent.

Breaking News

Bill Clinton cancels commencement speech at UCLA

LOS ANGELES - Bill Clinton on Tuesday canceled a commencement speech at the University of California, Los Angeles, because of a lingering dispute with UCLA's varsity cheerleaders over their role in his visit. It is rumored that some members of the elite squad balked at donning blue dresses and kneepads for the occasion.

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

U.S. Start to Recruit Children for Combat Duty

In an effort to increase its ranks for coming wars, the U.S. military is recruiting - and paying - children as young as 14 years old for future combat duty.

Bobby Hadley spends most of his days after school skateboarding or playing Grand Theft Auto IV on his new PS3 with friends. He sleeps until noon or later on weekends and rarely, if ever, does any schoolwork outside the classroom, where he pulls down solid C's and a few D's - just enough to get by. He's the typical 15-year-old American boy: cocksure in demeanor, certain the world revolves around him, and confident that life is going to serve him well.

And he's the new "target of interest" for U.S. military recruiters who've begun signing up boys as young as 14 for military service, which they will be required to begin when they turn 18.

"It's a sweet deal," says Hadley, who boasts that he bought his PS3 with the enlistment bonus he received after signing up last month. "I don't have to do hardly anything for three years, but they're paying me now."

Hadley's windfall was made possible under the Pentagon's "pre-enlistment program" that was quietly authorized last month in an effort to ensure the number of military troops available for combat remains steady for at least the next few years. The conditions of the program are simple. A young man who is at least 14 years old and has a parent's permission can enlist in the U.S. military, but will not report to duty until he reaches the legal age. The future soldier agrees to remain "physically and mentally fit" and to undergo annual physical examinations at the Military Entrance and Processing Station (MEPS). In exchange, the government provides him a $10,000 sign-on bonus that is paid in yearly installments of $2,500 until the age of 18, at which time any remaining balance is given to the recruit.

And while waiting to report to duty at 18, the new recruits are paid a modest stipend and allowed access to funds granted veterans for education. Because combat duty is a requirement of enlistment, the program is currently open only to young men, and it has been authorized for only three years, so Congress will have to renew the program again in 2011.

"The program is still in the early stages, but we're certain it will prove a valuable tool for the U.S. military while providing future soldiers with much-needed financial assistance so they can start planning for the future now," says Lt. James Pederson, a spokesman for the U.S. Pentagon's Office of Recruitment and Retention.

With the war in Iraq still taking a toll, and potential conflicts on the horizon in Iran, North Korea, Syria, the Philippines and elsewhere, the U.S. military is faced with a shortage of manpower not seen in decades.

The Army National Guard met only 56 percent of its recruiting quota in May, and the Marine Corps fell short of its recruiting goal that month for the first time since 1995. The Army missed its May recruiting goal by 27 percent, and the numbers for June and July are not expected to improve. And though the Bush administration has explored the idea of re-instituting the draft, the idea has been met with such widespread resistance that doing so seems unlikely.

So the mighty U.S. military has been left with declining rolls during a time of war when the need for warm bodies is at a premium. The result has been a loosening of enlistment requirements and the offering of more incentives to fill the void.

"More and more of our troops are choosing to leave service when their enlistment period comes to an end, and the number of new recruits entering military service is at a 25-year low," says Pederson. "We've had to become more and more creative in our efforts to fill the ranks of departing soldiers, and that's meant reaching out to new target groups and making them offers they simply can't refuse."

Currently, the Army is offering enlistment bonuses of up to $40,000 and the National Guard is offering enlistment bonuses of up to $25,000 for new members who may also receive matching funds to be used as a down payment on a new home. In addition, the Army announced last year that it is raising the maximum age for new recruits by six years, up to 40 and will now accept a few “minor felons”. It has also increased by 33 percent the number of recruiters on the street and has developed a sales pitch to appeal to parents who otherwise might not approve of their child's enrollment

"We're going to appeal to the patriotism of parents," says Pederson. "Parents have to understand that their children are needed in a time of war and that sacrifices need to be made for the good of the nation."

Tom Hadley recognizes this need, and when he heard of the pre-enlistment program, convinced his son that it was in his best interest to sign up.

"There aren't a lot of opportunities for poor or working class kids in this country right now, so this program is a blessing," says Tom. "Bobby can spend the next couple years just being a kid and save a few bucks for school, and after his four years of military service he'll come out ahead. I'm proud of my son for making such a wise decision and standing up for his country."

Carla Bloomer agrees with Tom that poor children have few options, but rankles at the suggestion that selling military service to a child is an answer to the problem. And she didn't even know this was an issue until she learned a recruiter had talked to her 14-year-old son and convinced him to sign up.

"He's not smart enough to make a decision like that at this point in his life," she says. "That recruiter came in and played to his teenager's sense of invincibility and know-it-all attitude and convinced him this was the best thing for him to do. In the end, I had to give in and let him sign up."

After he signed the paperwork, however, Bloomer took a closer look at the contract and was even more disturbed by what she learned. The small print reveals that the $350 monthly stipend her son receives is actually an advance on his $250 per month combat pay and $100 per month hardship duty pay.

"What they've done is guarantee that my son will go to war when he's old enough," says Bloomer. "They're paying him for it now so he can't back out later."
Her son, Richard, admits he wasn't aware of the source of the payments he's receiving, but adds that he's not worried about it either.

"At least I'm getting paid now," he says. "Hell, I might get killed my first week out and then I'd get nothing. At least I can enjoy it now."

But it may not be that simple. According to Pederson, the money paid out in the pre-enlistment program is an advance on pay, which will need to be paid back if the soldier is unable to serve in combat for any reason.

"If a recruit is incapacitated or killed before two years of service have been completed, half of the funds paid to him pre-service will need to be returned to the U.S. government," he says. "That's still very generous, considering we could ask for reimbursement of funds for the entire period of incomplete service."

But this provision has not sat well with some citizens who have petitioned the government to repeal this section. U.S. Rep. Dennis Caster introduced a bill in the last session that would make any repayment of the pre-paid funds strictly voluntary, but it never made it out of committee.

And once these kids sign up under this program, they are committed to serving in a combat zone and face strict punishment if they refuse duty when they come of age. If any refuse to show up for duty they will be charged with desertion in a time of war and be subject to military court martial, which, theoretically at least, could result in the death penalty.

"We expect our recruits of all ages to honor their commitment," says Pederson. "We are expending resources to guarantee their future service and will do whatever is necessary to make sure they live up to their pledge."

The very concept of the pre-enlistment program is frightening to those who've spent years in active opposition to violence and militarization. Katherine Beck, Iowa coordinator for the National Peace and Justice Alliance (NPJA) for the past 15 years, says this program is indicative of the Bush administration's refusal to consider peaceful alternatives to war.

"There is no question that this president wants to keep the country in a state of war, and there seems to be no one willing to stop him - not Congress, not the U.S. Senate, no one," she says. "We're now paying children - poor children mainly - to give up their childhood and commit to fighting, killing and, possibly, dying in future wars. That is nothing short of pure evil."

But Pederson says the pre-enlistment program is really not that much of a change from recruitment methods that have been in place for the past few years. With passage of the No Child Left Behind Act in 2002, the military was guaranteed access to the nation's public schools for recruiting purposes.

According to the Office of Recruitment and Retention, the U.S. military was denied access to public schools on 19,228 occasions in 1999. But since the passage of No Child Left Behind, these schools have no choice but to let them in.

"This allows us to send our professionals into schools to share information about the benefits of military service to young people, just as colleges and other businesses are allowed, encouraged even, to visit with students and do the same thing," says Pederson.

But Karen Foss, the mother of a 14-year-old at Lincoln High School, says the intensity of the recruiting focused on her son took her by surprise.
"I don't think most parents realize how much time and energy they (recruiters) spend on these kids," she says. "I was shocked when I found out that they were calling my son at home and visiting with him outside the classroom without my knowledge."

And Foss is quick to point out that she comes from a family with a long history of military service (her grandfather was at Iwo Jima and her dad earned two purple hearts in Vietnam) and that she's a registered Republican who supported the war in Iraq.

"This is just too much, though," she adds. "These are children they're after."
Staff Sgt. Gary Lindell, an Army recruiter working out of the office on Army Post Road says it's common practice for recruiters to reach out to school-age kids wherever they can.

"The initial meeting with kids in the schools is just the first step in a long process," says Lindell. "We take advantage of the access we've been granted to build a relationship with students and then build upon that."

Lindell has taken small groups of students out for pizza and met with them over sodas and snacks at an area coffee shop frequented by teens. He uses these meetings to tell the kids about the advantages of military service.

"It's important that they know they can make a real difference in the world," he says. "I tell them about the opportunity to travel, the chance to earn money for college, the medical benefits and the feeling of pride that comes with serving your country.

"It's an important tool to reach these kids before they are influenced by outside forces who lack understanding of the U.S. military's worldwide goals," he adds. "These kids understand the need for a strong military and haven't had their thoughts corrupted by unpatriotic ideas."

Foss' son, 14-year-old Tyler, and his best friend, 15-year-old Matthew Biehn, met with Lindell several times but declined to sign on despite the benefits Lindell told them about. Last month, Lindell arranged another meeting with the boys at a South Side coffee shop and brought along fellow recruiter Sgt. Tiffany Reas. After meeting “privately” with Reas several times Tyler decided to join the pre-enlistment program, and once he did, Biehn asked to meet privately with “Sgt. Tiffany” and signed on as well.

"I didn't even know the recruiter was talking to him until he told me he wanted to sign up," says Karen. "His father, whom I divorced several years ago, agreed to let Tyler join, so there was nothing I could do to stop him. I'm fairly confident that they brought a young woman recruiter in to close the deal with these boys. They're in the throes of puberty and would pretty much do whatever a pretty girl asks them to. I just don't think it's fair."

Reas refused to entertain that notion and said the final incentive for these two boys came when she pointed out the number of comic books $350 per month could buy. And in fact, when Tyler and Biehn agreed to discuss their enlistment, they arranged a meeting at a comic store where they promptly dropped more than $50 each for new releases.

"They give us a lot of money for doing nothing," says Tyler. "If we have to go to war later, it won't be that bad anyway. Sgt. Tiffany gave us a copy of an Army video game that lets you see what it's really like. If you know what you're doing, you probably won't get hurt or killed."

The game Tyler refers to is a free one available at www.goarmy.com that the army has developed as a recruiting tool. The site boasts that the game allows players to "Experience realistic training missions and see what it takes to become part of America's Army team." Local recruiters will also provide free copies of the game on CD to anyone interested, especially the young boys who generally play such games.

Despite Karen's concerns, the recruiters are within their rights to talk to the kids without parental permission or knowledge. Section 9528 of the No Child Left Behind Act enables recruiters to gain personal information about students - home addresses, phone numbers, and extracurricular activities - from school records. The only time parental involvement is required is when it comes time to sign the papers.

"Yeah, we talk to the kids," says Lindell. "But it's not like we're kidnapping them and making them do this. They make an informed decision based on the facts we give them."

In the short time the program has been in place, at least 10,763 young men aged 14-16 have joined the pre-enlistment program. Of those, at least 94 hail from Arkansas, which boasts the second highest rate of participation (per-capita) in the nation, falling only behind Mississippi.

These new recruits have begun chatting on the Internet and sharing thoughts on their upcoming service on message boards and have started an informal organization of members called VFW - Veterans of Future Wars.

It's an accurate title, too. Pederson says these new recruits will be required, after completing boot camp and two weeks of additional training, to serve in combat zones. The very nature of the war on terror, he explains, ensures that the United States will be in a state of armed conflict with some enemy or another for many years to come.

"We will most definitely be at war with someone for the next decade, at least," he says. "And our recruitment programs are an effort to ensure the safety of all American citizens and to protect the American way of life."

Beck, director of the NPJA, disagrees, and says this is indicative that we as a country have reached a level and acceptance of war that may be difficult to turn away from.

"That parents are allowing and encouraging their children to sign up under this program is troubling and shows a real lack of understanding of what's happening in the world," she says. "By committing our children to wage war, we are committing our society to a path of violence and oppression and militarism that will be impossible to sustain and that will further alienate us from the rest of the world."

Still, Pederson says the program is a necessary step.

"Is it unfortunate that we have to recruit children to serve in battle? Absolutely," he says. "But most countries have had children soldiering for centuries. We're just leveling the playing field."



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Monday, June 9, 2008

Hillary: Require All to Eat in Senate Restaurants

I promise that if she will just go away, I will let her go in peace.
A week after the Senate decided, in a late-night voice vote, to privatize its money-losing food service operation, former Democrat presidential candidate Hillary Clinton introduced rival legislation to “nationalize" the Senate restaurants and to require every member and their staff to patronize these fine government-run facilities.”
Sen. Clinton said the operation has lost $18 million in the last 15 years while serving its relatively-wealthy clientèle, and immediately needs $250,000 in taxpayer cash just to make next month’s payroll, because the Senate “failed to mandate participation.”
“Convenient, prepared meals are a fundamental birthright,” said Sen. Clinton. “But this basic entitlement can’t work unless everyone eats every meal in a Senate restaurant.”
Meanwhile, across Capitol Hill, the House food service operation pays the government $1.2 million annually from the profits of its popular restaurants. It was privatized in the 1980s.
“We should not draw the conclusion that private enterprise works better than government,” said Sen. Clinton, “rather we need to boost taxes on the obscene windfall profits of the House restaurants to subsidize the Senate operation.”

A Follow Up to My March 27, 2008 Post


Sunday, June 8, 2008

The Updating of Little Red Riding Hood

There once was a young adolescent of the female gender named Little Red Riding Hood (who preferred to be called “Diminutive Equitation Cowl of the Carnelian Hue”, but that would make this ridiculously long fairy tale even longer) who lived on the edge of a large forest full of endangered spotted owls and rare plants that would someday provide a cure for cancer if only someone took the time to study them and enough federal funds were available to pay for a study grant.
Red Riding Hood lived with a nurture-giver whom she sometimes referred to as “mother,” although she didn’t mean to imply by this term that she would have thought less of the person if a close biological link did not in fact exist, or ignore the fact that a male could not nurture as well as a female. Nor did she intend to denigrate the equal value of nontraditional households, for she knew that Hansel and Gretel, for instance, had two mothers.
One day her mother asked her to take a basket of organic, pesticide free fruit, fresh rolls baked with Bulgher wheat germ and rolled oats and cruelty-free mineral water to her grandmother’s house.
“But mother, won’t this be stealing employment from the unionized workers who have struggled for years to earn the right to carry all packages between various peoples of the woods?” Red Riding Hood’s mother assured her that she had called the union boss and gotten a special compassionate mission exemption and promised a special unity hug for all oppressed workers worldwide to counter a synonym for corruption and futility with the last two decades’ shift to private-sector dominance.
“But mother, aren’t you oppressing me by ordering me to do this?” Red Riding Hood’s mother pointed out that it was impossible for women to oppress each other, since all women were equally oppressed until all sisterhood was free.
“But mother, then shouldn’t you have my brother carry the basket, since he’s a dominant, male oppressor, and should learn what it’s like to be oppressed by the jack-booted thuggery of world domination by the warlike male gender?” And Red Riding Hood’s mother explained that her brother was attending a special rally on behalf of PETA for animal rights, and besides, this wasn’t stereotypical women’s work, but an empowering deed that would help engender a feeling of community and generate a new public narrative.
“But won’t I be oppressing Grandma, by implying that she’s sickly and hence unable to independently further her own selfhood?” Red Riding Hood’s mother explained that her grandmother wasn’t actually sick or incapacitated or mentally handicapped in any way, although that was not to imply that any of these conditions were inferior or less in status to what some people called “health.” This errand was to counter the popular impression that we live in a perpetual and annihilating present that severs our kinship with the past. Thus Red Riding Hood felt that she could get totally behind the idea of delivering the basket to her grandmother, and so she set off.
Many people believed that the forest was a dark, foreboding and dangerous place, but Red Riding Hood knew that this was an irrational fear based on cultural paradigms instilled by a patriarchal society that regarded the natural world as an exploitable resource waiting to be raped, and hence believed that natural predators were in fact intolerable competitors. Other people avoided the woods for fear of thieves and deviants, but Red Riding Hood felt that in a truly classless society all marginalized peoples would be able to “come out” of the woods and be accepted as valid lifestyle role models.
On her way to Grandma’s house, Red Riding Hood passed a wood chopper (who preferred to be called an “arboriculturist” in deference to those opposed to clear-cutting of the old-growth forests), and wandered off the path, in order to examine some flowers. She was startled to find herself standing before a Wolf, who asked her what was in her basket.
Red Riding Hood’s teacher had warned her never to talk to strangers, but she was confident in taking control of her own budding sexuality and her ability to draw distinctions between appreciable and negligible discourse and chose to dialogue with the Wolf. The Wolf said, “You know, my dear, it isn’t safe for a little girl to walk through these woods alone.” Red Riding Hood replied, “I am taking my Grandmother some healthful snacks in a gesture of solidarity. I find your sexist remark offensive in the extreme, and your leering gaze grows tiresome, but I will ignore it because of your traditional status as an outcast from society, the stress of which has caused you to develop an alternative and yet entirely valid world view. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I would prefer to be on my way.”
Red Riding Hood returned to the main path, and proceeded towards her Grandmother’s house. But because his status outside society had freed him from slavish adherence to linear, Western-style thought, and, thinking outside the box with an efficient new paradigm, the Wolf figured out a quicker route to Grandma’s house. He burst into the house and ate Grandma, a course of action completely in keeping with his nature and affirmative of his status as a predator. Then, unhampered by rigid, traditionalist gender role notions and discarding the prevalent homophobic feelings of the day, he put on Grandma’s nightgown, enjoyed the slinky feelings of the nightclothes, crawled under the bed sheets, and awaited developments.
Red Riding Hood entered the cottage and said, “Grandma, I have brought you some cruelty-free snacks to salute you in your role of wise and nurturing matriarch.” The Wolf said softly, “Come closer, child, so that I might see you.” Red Riding Hood said, “Goodness! Grandma, what big ocular units you have!” “Babe, you forget that I am optically challenged.” “And Grandma, what an enormous, fine nose you have.” “Naturally, I could have had it fixed to help my acting career, but I didn’t give in to such societal pressures, my child.” “And Grandma, what very big, sharp incisors you have!” The Wolf could not take any more of these speciesist slurs, and, in a reaction appropriate for his accustomed milieu, he leaped out of bed, grabbed Little Red Riding Hood, and opened his jaws so wide that she could see her poor Grandmother cowering in his belly. “Aren’t you forgetting something?” Red Riding Hood shouted bravely. “You must request my permission before proceeding to a new level of intimacy!” The Wolf was so startled by this statement that he loosened his grasp on her. At the same time, the wood chopper, ahem, “arboriculturist” burst into the cottage, brandishing an axe. “Hands off!” cried the arboriculturist. “And what do you think you’re doing?” cried Little Red Riding Hood. “If I let you help me now, I would be expressing a lack of confidence in my own abilities, which would lead to poor self esteem and lower achievement scores on college entrance exams, not to mention my LSAT.” “Last chance, sister! Get your hands off that endangered species!” screamed the arboriculturist, and when Little Red Riding Hood nonetheless made a sudden motion, he executed a clean stroke with his Taylor-made, double-bit axe and cleared a good 250 yard drive with Little Red Riding Hood’s head. Then, in a fit of necrocannibalism, he consumed her.
“Thank goodness you got here in time,” said the Wolf. “That sniveling brat and her mothball-tasting grandmother lured me in here. I thought I was a goner.” “No, I think I’m the real victim here,” said the arboriculturist. “I’ve had issues with my anger ever since I saw her picking those protected flowers earlier and I’ve had to rely on meaningless surrogate protocols. Do you have any aspirin?” “Sure,” said the Wolf. “Thanks, man. I feel your pain.” And the Wolf patted the arboriculturist on his back, gave a little belch, and asked, “Say, do you have any Maalox?”

Saturday, June 7, 2008

Hillary's Concession Speech

Here are some excerpts from the speech which Sen. Clinton delivered today.

“No matter the outcome of the presidential race this November, the year 2008 is a watershed for Democrats. For the first time in the history of either party, a woman selflessly withdrew from a race she was winning to lend a merciful, helping hand to a young African-American in his time of need.”
“We have both broken down barriers, Sen. Obama and I, in this historic race. However, since he is only half black, but I am all woman, it goes without saying that my accomplishment in nearly winning is the greater civil rights triumph, mathematically speaking.”
“I will campaign vigorously for the party’s nominee, whoever that may be. I do it out of a sense of noblesse oblige — my nobility obligates me. I hope Sen. Obama sees my endorsement, and pledge of delegates, as a hand up, not a hand out.”
“If Barack Obama becomes the next president of the United States, let it never be said that he won only because he’s black, but rather that he won because a gracious white woman sacrificed her own ambitions for the good of humanity.”
“In closing, I want to personally address Sen. Obama by paraphrasing President John F. Kennedy, who, coincidentally, was assassinated like his brother Robert was: Sen. Obama, ask not what Hillary Clinton can do for you. Ask what you can do for the woman who was almost the first female president of the United States.”

Friday, June 6, 2008

Breaking News

Typo on diplomas embarrasses Ohio principal

WESTLAKE, Ohio - A Cleveland-area principal says he's embarrassed his students got proof of their "educaiton" on their high school diplomas.

Westlake High School officials misspelled "education" on the diplomas distributed last weekend. It's been the subject of mockery on local radio.

Principal Timothy Freeman says he sent back the diplomas once to correct another error. When the diplomas came back, no one bothered to check things they thought were right the first time.

The publisher has reprinted the diplomas a second time and sent them to the 330 graduates.

Thursday, June 5, 2008

Princess Non Grace

The fizz gone from Hillary's campaign, she opens a can of kiss-ass on the public to try to get the veep slot.

Kicked off the national stage, Hillary Clinton is trying to clamber back on as putative nominee Barry Obama's running mate. She lacks the political chops to pull it off; she needs a miracle.

Like a spoiled heiress, Clinton is too ungracious to yield on anything. That's not a strength as a politician; that's a weakness.

Her strategy, as always, relies solely on public P.R.: Her aides are doing it for her, leaking to reporters that she's about to soon officially yield. In effect, the aides have started a conciliatory process leading up to that dreaded C-word: concession.

She's had a mostly non-record as a senator from New York. At least Obama has an excuse for his lack of major Senate action: He's a freshman senator. In that hidebound, tradition-bound body, freshmen don't usually play on the varsity.

Fellow senator Joe Biden said of fellow Democrat Hillary during his own futile presidential bid: "There's not a major bill I know with Hillary's name on it."

And now she's mounting a campaign to get the vice-presidential slot not because she has policy issues on which she wants to influence presidential candidate Obama. At least Dick Cheney had an agenda he wanted to pursue when he seized the vice-presidential nomination in 2000. Sure, it was a disastrous agenda, but at least he was sharp enough to do the maneuvering required to seize it.

As one pundit shrewdly noted, Hillary has in one sense been an effective senator in the state she parachuted into with her carpetbag. She's been a dogged "Senator Pothole," the moniker slapped on one of her predecessors, Al D'Amato. That goniff instigated a blizzard of little actions and favors on his constituents while quietly practicing sleaze on national issues. Most national pols do that sort of "constituent" P.R. activity locally, but Hillary's staff has been most diligent at it. The result? She's been more like a county official than a senator.

Look hard to find major legislation in the Senate that she has drummed up through compromise and deal-making with Republicans — or even with fellow Democrats. Compromise and deal-making are not at all bad things — that's the way things get done in a democracy/republic; that's the way politics and governance are supposed to work.

John McCain did it, teaming with Democrat Russ Feingold on campaign reform. And McCain showed some crucial bipartisanship with his highly visible torment of Bush regime schnook — and diehard GOP operative — Jack Abramoff during the Wampumgate scandal, a major shakedown of Indian casino money. Abramoff was a much shrewder operative in the Congress hallways than Clinton. The Washington Post busted open that scandal, and McCain conducted major hearings on it.

McCain was adroit enough to lead an investigation of fellow Republicans — even one that ensnared GOP members of Congress and the White House — and then capture his party's nomination. He overcame his shameful performance in the '80s as a lackey for S&L scandal scumbag and GOP campaign moneybag Charles Keating and later built a reputation (thanks to his schmoozing of the press) as a campaign-finance "reformer."

McCain was a spoiled son of an admiral, carpetbagged into Arizona, married into money, and was practically given a slot in the House. Nevertheless, he became skillful by the time he entered the Senate.

Hillary's performance in the Senate? feeble on national and international issues. Mostly, she merely launched dog-and-pony shows (which all senators do) instead of politicking across the aisle — or with her fellow Democrats — on meaningful and powerful legislation.

Here's an example: On February 16, 2007, she introduced S.B. 670: "A bill to set forth limitations on the United States military presence in Iraq and on United States aid to Iraq for security and reconstruction, and for other purposes."

Sounds great, right? Here are the facts: The co-sponsors? None. Supporters? None. Opponents? None. Hearings? None. The latest major action on that bill? Its introduction on February 16, 2007. In other words, there was no action on that high-sounding legislation other than its introduction.

That's a meaningless piece of P.R. designed only to try to counter her previous important vote in October 2002, when she endorsed the Bush regime's invasion of Iraq. Her new bill was something she could point to as an example of how she tried to make war against Bush's Folly, when in fact she never did.

On February 15, 2007, the day before that non-crucial, non-crafted-through-arm-twisting-and-deal-making piece of non-legislation on the Iraq War was introduced, Hillary introduced S.B. 649: "A bill to require the Nuclear Regulatory Commission to conduct an independent safety assessment of the Indian Point Nuclear Power Plant."

That would make her fellow New Yorkers feel better: a tough stance toward her own state's nuclear plant. But it was just show, another P.R. move — a Senator Pothole type of non-maneuver that all senators try to do in their spare time. That bill had one co-sponsor (fellow New York senator Chuck Schumer) and it died a-borning. The latest action on that bill? Its introduction on February 15, 2007.

Now she's trying another P.R.-only move to get the veep nomination. To get it, she'll be relying on polls, not pols.

Next major action? Her upcoming official concession speech. After that? Non-action on her bid by Obama — if he's smart.

Barack Obama Starts Own Church

Obama will find spiritual comfort in his own house of worship.

After weeks of searching in vain for a new spiritual home, Democratic presidential nominee Barack Obama has decided to start his own church.

The Most Reverential House of Yes We Can A.M.E Zion will hold its first service this Sunday in a building the Obama 2008 Presidential Campaign recently purchased from Tony Rezko on West 95th Street in Chicago for $10 and "other considerations".

“It makes a lot of sense,” Obama supporter Oprah Winfrey told The Peoples News in an exclusive interview. “After what Barack has done this year, a lot of people think he is bigger than Jesus. Some even think he’s bigger than me and I'm bigger than Jesus.”

The unorthodox move occurred after numerous spiritual leaders refused to let Obama join their churches. Given the public condemnations that his previous spiritual advisors Rev. Jeremiah Wright and Father Michael Fleger received, none of the other pastors wanted to risk the increased scrutiny his presence would bring.

“Not all my sermons were about giving God the glory,” said the Rev. Leroy Wilson of The Church of What’s Happening Now. “Sometimes they were about giving Whitey hell.”

In fact, just about every pastor who leads a predominantly African-American congregation has “said something crazy in their day,” said Cornell West, professor of religion at Princeton University.

“But most intelligent people understand that what the pastor says from the pulpit doesn’t necessarily reflect the mindset of every single person hearing those words even if they've sat there for 20 plus years,” West said. “Everyone except people who work for certain other campaigns, I guess.”

Many people, especially blacks, look at Obama as a miracle worker. Essie Smith, 81, a grandmother who lives on Chicago’s west side, has already put the candidate’s photo in her living room beside Martin Luther King Jr., Louis Farrakhan, Jesse Jackson, Jesus and Al Sharpton.

“He’s a black man who beat a white woman and didn’t even have to go to jail,” Smith said. “If he can do that, he can do anything.”

Wednesday, June 4, 2008

Breaking News

Campaigning in the final primaries, Clinton said, "I've really enjoyed the process of being able to go out and see this country anew."

But what she saw was a country that wanted someone new.

Will she go quietly into the night? I don't think so.
That is not the Clinton style

Sen. Obama and Foreign Policy

Barack Obama’s verbal gaffes are sometimes amusing, frequently revealing. But his serious statements on world affairs are downright alarming.

Earlier in the campaign, Obama earned rebukes from fellow Senate Democrats after he vowed to meet with dictators of Iran, Syria, North Korea, Cuba and Venezuela in his first year in office, with no preconditions. This would be unparalleled in American diplomacy and deeply unsettling for our allies.

Hillary Clinton called Obama’s promise ‘‘irresponsible and frankly naive.’’

Add ‘‘self-righteous’’ and you’ve summed up Obama’s approach to foreign policy. No wonder Obama’s words increasingly invite comparisons with the one-term disaster from Georgia. Call it Jimmy Carter: The Sequel. ...

Obama’s pledge to meet with Iranian dictator Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, who is arming Shia militants in southern Iraq and has promised to ‘‘wipe Israel off the map,’’ bears striking resemblance to Jimmy Carter’s April meeting with the terror organization Hamas, whose organizational purpose is to destroy Israel. ... In the late 1970s, Carter was ineffective in dealing with the fledgling Islamic extremist movement. The movement, now in full maturity, has declared war on the United States. A president who fails to understand this reality puts the country and the western world in grave - even serious - danger.

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

Even If Hillary Quits, Bill Clinton Vows to Fight On


Former President Bill Clinton told a rally in Billings, Montana, today that even if his wife drops out of the race for the Democrat presidential nomination, he will take his historic fight to be First Gent “all the way to Denver in August.”
“This isn’t about me,” said Mr. Clinton, “It’s about a glass ceiling that men have not yet shattered. If I give up now, the hopes and dreams of millions of American men would die with my campaign. I owe them one last valiant effort to recapture the true meaning of manhood.”
Mr. Clinton’s voice dropped to his trademark whisper, catching in his throat, as he described an encounter with “a 92-year-old man in who reached across the rope line and gripped my hand in both of his. He told me he’d been married for 70 years, and that his wife had always worn the pants in their family, but that he had never had a dignified title to acknowledge his skill at playing second fiddle.”
A reverent hush fell over the crowd as the former president added, “Then that old man looked into my eyes and said, ‘Mr. President you go get that title for me. Become the First Gent for all of us men in the silent majority.’”

Monday, June 2, 2008

Breaking News

Window shatters on American Airlines jet.
American charges each passenger $15 to clean seats, $10 to deodorize cabin.
11:11 AM CDT on Monday, June 2, 2008
Associated Press

FORT WORTH — About 130 people aboard an American Airlines flight got a sharp scare after one of the MD-80's two jet engines was disabled by shards from a broken window in the passengers' cabin.
American Airlines spokesman Tim Smith said the outside pane of the triple-pane window shattered about 20 minutes after the 7:35 p.m. take-off Sunday from Dallas/Fort Worth International Airport.
Smith said there was no pressure loss in the cabin and the plane could have flown safely on one engine, but the plane returned to D/FW and landed about 8:15 p.m.
None of the 127 passengers and five crew members aboard the D/FW-to-Fort Myers, Fla. flight were injured. Mr. Smith said the passengers departed on another flight about an hour after landing.

If Hillary Quits, Pres. Obama Gives Her Puerto Rico

As Sen. Barack Obama appears poised this week to lock up his party’s virtual nomination; campaign staffers have devised a plan to allow his rival to bow out gracefully without offending her die-hard supporters who want to see a woman as commander in chief.
Previous proposed arrangements to unify the Democrat party have failed largely because Sen. Hillary Clinton has refused to take a subordinate role to Sen. Obama, such as vice president or cabinet officer.
Under the terms of a settlement still in negotiation, Sen. Clinton would quit the race and endorse Sen. Obama in exchange for a pledge that President Obama will grant her a charter to the U.S. island territory of Puerto Rico, whose Democrat primary Sen. Clinton won in convincing fashion over the weekend.
“Sen. Obama is eager to help Mrs. Clinton break through the glass ceiling,” said an unnamed Obama staffer, noting that the presumptive nominee has always liked his opponent, and in staff meetings even refers to her as “sweetie.”
If Sen. Clinton agrees to the plan, President Obama would issue an executive order declaring that Puerto Rico is “Absolved from all Allegiance to the U.S. President, and that all political connection between it and the United States, is and ought to be totally dissolved; and that as a Free and Independent State, Puerto Rico has full Power to levy War, conclude Peace, contract Alliances, establish Commerce, and to do all other Acts and Things which Independent States may of right do.”
As the charter holder, the former First Lady could serve as governor, according to an Obama staffer who has seen a draft of the agreement, or she could “transition the territory to a monarchy, name herself queen and put her own face on the currency