NY Times in Crisis, Bush Offers Journalistic Stimulus Plan

As the New York Times stands poised to clear 100 reporters and editors from the newsroom due to falling advertising revenue, President George Bush today said Congress should intervene to rescue “The Grey Lady” by quickly passing what he called a “journalistic stimulus package.”
Similar to the president’s economic stimulus package which rescued capitalism from itself, the journalistic stimulus package would protect New York Times readers from editorial instability, while ensuring full employment for reporters and editors whose product is no longer in demand.
Under the terms of the plan, New York Times readers and advertisers would each receive 50 percent rebates of any money they paid to the Times in 2007 that they could then apply to the purchase of future subscriptions or ad space.
Meanwhile, New York Times reporters and editors would get the following incentives aimed at increasing the value of their product, to inspire more subscriptions and to boost ad rates.
90-percent reduction of cleverly-veiled liberal bias in news stories
120-day moratorium on unnamed sources who disparage people who have names
Immediate halt to public revelation of national security secrets
Strict rationing of adjectives and adverbs
Creation of an entirely new category of factual news story, to be called “good news”
Quadrupling “positive” coverage of efforts by U.S. troops to bring security and comfort to former victims of tyranny. Such stories shall now comprise at least one percent of the daily “news budget”