Kids Today Have No Idea What a Real "Beater" Was.

Reminscing with a group of high school friends we got around to discussing our high school cars and decided that our kids have no idea what a true "beater car" was. I wrote down the comments in no particular order (on the back of a napkin.) # 24 is my favorite,

1. You have to either pay someone to get you an illegal inspection sticker or you have to doctor your existing one with graphic arts supplies.

2. Your floorboards have rotted out and you have wedged a stolen highway sign into the floorpan so you won't fall through.

3. There is at least one section that has a pop-riveted piece of aluminum over a section of the car that would fall off otherwise.

4. There are "tricks" to getting the car started, in gear, turning in the right direction or stopped.

5. You are adding oil, power steering fluid, transmission fluid or water/anti-freeze to the car on a daily basis.

6. Your windshield washer pump no longer works, and you are forced to throw water onto your windshield in the winter to clean it off.

7. Your windshield wiper motor is dead.

8. You have to drive the car at night so that cops don't get a good look at the car.

9. The "Checque thine engine soone!" torch keeps igniting.

10. When you park, you have to put a "Vehicle Not Abandoned" sign in the window.

11. You got your fourth speeding ticket this week as a result of inaccurate conversions from the tachometer RPM’s to MPH.

12. Your mechanic charges you a "pain and suffering" fee.

13. Your factory-installed GPS keeps warning you that you're about to fall off the edge of the Earth.

14. Tires by Firestone; brakes by Flintstone.

15. The only thing in the dash that still functions is the 8-track tape player, and your Sly and Family Stone tape is almost worn out.

16. The only thing holding the back bumper together is your "All the Way With LBJ" sticker.

17. Your inquiries to the Studebaker factory are returned unopened

18. Your genuine stegosaurus-hide upholstery is beginning to crack. Not only isn't the in-dash Victrola XM-ready, it also skips a hell of a lot.

19.You can't make it smell fresh and lovely anymore, no matter how much Summer's Eve you use.

20. Your exhaust trail has caused so much environmental damage, Al Gore turned in his Nobel Peace Prize and headed straight for a gun shop.

21. Bedrock Motors placard fell off and broke your wife Wilma's toe.

22. The manufacturer issued a recall because of a defect they found in the brains of the people who buy them.

23. The neighborhood dogs don't consider it worth chasing.

24. McGyver couldn't make this piece of crap run if he had an entire auto shop and six weeks at his disposal.

25.The car uses more oil than gas ( in the old days you could buy oil drained out of a crankcase at the gas station, it cost about 25 cents/quart)

26. Fenders or other important body components held on by duct tape.

27. You have to get in through the hatchback because all the doors were frozen shut in the winter.I had to keep a large box end wrench under the seat because the starter solenoid would stick. Sometime I would have to jump out, pop the hood and give the solenoid a good whack to get the starter to disengage.

28. It also had a wiring problem that prevented the heater fan from working so I would have to scrape the inside of the windows as I drove to work in Colorado winters.

29. The ECM would over heat sometimes after about 30 minutes of driving and the car would just turn off for an hour or so.

30. The rear seal went out on my transmission while driving over Monument Hill, by the time the drive shaft stopped bashing about the entire output shaft was visible.

31. smog pump seized

32. leaked like Michael Jackson at a cub scout meeting

33. The ball joints were shot so it would wander all over the road

34. Horn died in a front end collision.

35. Insurance company said that the salvage value is $300.

36.If you slam on the brakes too hard it will sometimes want to drift sideways.
37. The fan only works on high and the heater sometimes doesn't switch on so don't change the temp during cold weather or you might be without heat.
38. The exhaust system leaks so make sure to have plenty of airflow through the passenger area if you don't want carbon monoxide poisoning.

39. Car won't start when it's "damp" outside

40. You've got 4 or more specialty tools in your garage, including the special wrench to get # 8 spark plug out.

41. Baling wire holds a permanent place in your trunk toolbox.

42. You've discovered that "no parking" signs work great as floorboard replacements.

43. You got at least one door, hood, trunk or body panel that is mismatched in color with the rest of the vehicle.

44. Soup/pop/beer cans are currently in line as part of your exhaust system.

45. Your battery cables aren't so much "connected" to battery as they are "dissolved" into it.

46. Your local salvage yard owner knows you on a first name basis, and you've got your own key to the yard for after hours scavenging
47. your date is actually interested in you, not your car.

48. you can pay liability insurance since you are a very careful and good driver and you don't want to be forced to pay full coverage that will amount to more than the value of the car in 1 year.

49. you're smart and prefer to have savings rather than the coolest car. you understand that the car is reliable and gets you from point A to point B. you laugh to the bank while your buddie with the nice car gets repossessed because he can no longer pay the bank every month.
50. You're not spending the equivalent of a new iPod Touch/Wii/case of good wine per month on a tin box that goes at the same speed as the 10 year old beater you used to have.

51. got no AC, and lost the power steering when the AC died, it's all on the same belt & wheel.

52. The rear doors don't open, so only kids and midgets can get in the back, climbing behind the front seats like a 2-door.

53.The antenna is gone.

54. There's a dent in the front hood I slid into a fencepost one of my first times driving in snow.

55. It dies from being driven in the rain.

56. The headlights are the always-on kind, but you have to turn the switch just to the first parking lights/dashboard notch, because if you turn it all the way, they go out. The lights also go out when the parking brake is applied.

57. Driver door exterior handle broken, door could only be opened from inside. If the door was slammed the window would jump its track and fall down into the door.

58. Brake master cylinder leaked. Heater core leaked. Engine leaked oil, a lot of oil. Clutch operating mechanism was so poorly designed and had been cobbled so many times it had only an inch of travel above the floor from "in" to "out",

59. Starter would work fine when engine was cold (fortunate because the gas would sometimes drain out of the carb overnight), but would barely turn over when hot.

60. Both rear wheel bearings and the diff played loud tunes, while the radio tuner was stuck on one station (religious).

61. Items that didn't work included horn, emergency brake and heater fan. The ignition key could be removed while the engine was running (useful, as sometimes the switch could not be moved from the "run" position)

62. I took it to 3 junkyards, none of whom would take it even after I offered to pay a fee.Finally a friend of a friend said he would take it and he is still driving it.

63. You never even need to take part in discussions about who's going to drive among your friends

64. When it rains you have to run outside and cover your car with a tarp or, if you're too lazy, use the "bail out" cup you keep in the backseat when you come out in the morning

65. No one can start it but you, not even the tow truck drivers

66. A police officer has come out to help you push it up a hill because once you get to the top "it'll get rolling on it's own"

67. You have keep 5 or 6 bottles of oil in the trunk at all times

68. You've put $2000 into it over 3 years and it is still worth $200