Dumber Than a Post

It’s impossible these days to take on a home improvement or lawn project without making regular trips to one of two places: Lowe’s or Home Depot. These retail powerhouses have made an art form of selling high-quality home improvement products at low prices, all without the trouble of hiring anyone who knows a socket wrench from a tube sock.

Yes, somewhere in South America there’s a rain forest that’s missing a lot of retarded apron-wearing monkeys. And it’s not bad enough that they don’t know anything about what they’re selling; you can’t even get a dumb look from these people because they have been conditioned from day one to avoid eye contact with anyone who isn’t also wearing an orange apron.

Slowe Despot employees (see what we did there?) have made the Walk of Purposefulness into an art form. These people must train by running a gauntlet of customers trying to flag them down.

“What did Billy do wrong, people?”

“He made eye contact.”

“And...?”

“He asked if they needed help.”

“What should he have said?”

“This isn’t my department.”

“Very good. We also would have accepted, ‘Let me see if I can find someone to help you,’ or ‘I’m on my break.’”

It would be possible to compare the relative merits of the employees of each of the home improvement mammoths, but that would probably be about as interesting as a tennis match between Helen Keller and Jabba the Hutt. Thus, here is a comparison between a typical home improvement store employee and an inanimate object. Shopping carts, in particular.

Availability
Unless you’re shopping at 10 am on the Saturday before the 4th of July, the odds are that you’re going to find a cart. Maybe not one of the big heavy lumber carts, but hey, it’s not going to kill the kids to get a little exercise this time.

In contrast, unless you’ve got a taser gun, your odds of bagging an employee are far worse. And again, even if you do have a taser gun, the odds of getting one of the big heavy ones are pretty poor.

Winner: Carts.

Appearance
At older stores, many of the carts are pretty beat up. Still, they generally retain their overall pleasant orangey appearance.

Even at newer stores, the employees are pretty beat up and have long since lost any orangey demeanor.

Winner: Carts.

Subject Matter Knowledge
The carts don’t know much except how to go straight, and some of them can’t even manage that.

Most employees can walk straight and answer simple questions in their area of expertise, be it iPods, Grand Theft Auto IV or their stupid jerk boss who won’t give them next Thursday off.

Winner: Employees.

Politeness
Both carts and employees tend to ignore you until you give them a little shove. The cart will then respond by moving a little in the direction you shoved it. The employee will generally glare at you and possibly shove back.

Winner: Carts.

Intangibles
Defective carts and employees both sometimes make whiny or rubby noises as they move. Often a cart will offer you a brochure of expired coupons and a half-empty cup of Mountain Dew. Often an employee will offer you a “Have a nice day” when you’re buying a new hot water heater at 9:45 pm on a Sunday.

Winner: Tie.

Overall
Carts, though slightly dumber than the typical employee, are the clear winner. Avoid the ones that squeak and veer unexpectedly to the left, and you should be fine. The same is true for employees.