I've Got a Cell Phone...and I'm Not Afraid to Use It!!

Dozens of people died when every single electronic device in the local hospital abruptly quit working Friday afternoon. Police say that, just before the event, witnesses spotted a visitor talking on a cell phone…
A 747 jumbo jet crashed shortly after takeoff Monday, killing all but one of the 300 passengers. The lone survivor was found chatting on the cell phone with her old college roommate Barb ...
Cell phones are the most powerful devices on Earth. We all know how they enrage drivers, annoy entire arenas filled with people attending a hushed performance, disturb big weddings, small funerals, and major political speeches and give important people excuses to leave boring work meetings.
These little 4-ounce doomsday devices can also bring entire hospitals to their knees while routinely forcing big passenger jets to crash land into corn fields.
Oh, wait a minute. No they can't.
I've had a cell phone for more than a decade, which means that just about everybody has had a cell phone for about a decade. During that decade I have taken numerous plane flights and, unfortunately, visited several hospitals. I even admit to occasionally – GASP! -- actually making cell phone calls from both locations.
I have yet to be involved in a cell phone-caused plane crash. And as far as I know nobody's life support system was knocked out by my call to inform my children that I was coming to visit. And I have yet to read either of the two stories at the top of this post.
Are they saying that my Blackberry Pearl can bring down a 400,000-pound jumbo jet? Those jets are built to carry huge numbers of passengers and cargo and fuel while staying airborne despite a hellish series of atmospheric elements. My cell phone can't make a freaking call if the building it's in is too thick or it's not glued to a wireless tower or the humidity is too high or Mars isn't properly aligned with my local Subway. And it'll gradually die a slow death, finally petering out, conveniently, just as my two-year contract is up.
No, no, no ... I said tee time is at 10! And I've watched surgery. I've seen the doctor's cell phone on the table against the wall periodically buzz or ring, get answered by a nurse who then takes a message for the surgeon to call his wife when he's finished sewing the pancreas to the clavicle, or whatever it was he just did. Indeed, I'd like to see how long most doctors could last without their cell phones.
I'll tell you what would happen: They'd die.
Two hours into their cell phone fast they'd have to be admitted into the psychiatric department of their own hospital. Fortunately, most people visiting hospitals have learned to be like their doctors by ignoring that stupid rule.
I'd like to think that I carry an immense amount of power in that holster I wear on my belt every day, but unfortunately I don't. If I did, I would have retired to an island in the south Pacific long ago thanks to all that ransom money I'd have brought in. $1 million pal, or I'm taking this whole building down with me. I've got a cell phone and I'm not afraid to use it!
Traveling on an airplane or visiting a hospital is unpleasant enough. Maybe it'd be just a wee bit better if they didn't insult my intelligence during those visits.