Craigslist

Like most of you, I peruse Craigslist on occasion to see what is for sale, who is ranting and who is raving, etc. I ran across this gem, which is too good not to share.

Menopausal woman with nasty temper has 85 Grand Prix for sale
Let's answer some questions before I describe the car. Humor me... please...

1. NO, it is not a "condo-car" that's been garaged all its natural life. It's a $600 car.

2. YES, the odometer reads 24k miles, but I am VERY certain it has rolled over and it's actually 124k miles. It's a $600 car.

3. YES, it is restorable. Anything is restorable if you have the time and money! But, in its current condition, it's a $600 car.

4. YES, the interior is very clean. NOTICE I DID NOT SAY IT WAS MINT! It is clean... one tiny tear on the driver’s seat back, broken arm-rest on driver’s side, TWENTY THREE YEARS OLD!!! Again, it's a $600 car.

5. YES, it does start and run very well. My son drove it to and from work for several months while his daily-driver was being repaired. Not bad for a $600 car!

6. NO, my boyfriend and his tool box do NOT come with the car. In other words, you're buying a TWENTY-THREE YEAR OLD, SIX HUNDRED DOLLAR CAR, people! I cannot guarantee that it will "last at least a year" or that "it will make it all the way to Oregon in September". Sheesh... I mean, c'mon! My crystal ball broke a lonnnnnng time ago. What's more, it's a $600 car.

7. YES, it is quiet. But will it disturb your neighbors? HOW THE HELL DO I KNOW? I don't even KNOW your neighbors! I know you can squeal tires pretty loudly, even in this old $600 car.

8. NO, I will NOT pay for your gas if you drive here from East Jesus and decide not to buy the car for any reason. Why would you drive 3 hours to buy a $600 car anyway?

9. NO, I am NOT interested in donating the car to your worthy cause. My son needs the money. He's a kid, for crying out loud! Do you really think he'd be advertising this $600 car for SALE if he wanted to "help you out because you're down on your luck because your boyfriend left you and took your car and you have no way to get back and forth from....". You get the picture.

10. Did I mention it's a $600 car? That does NOT mean it's a $400 car, or a $500 car, or even a $550 car! THE PRICE IS $600, get it?

11. NO, I do not own a firearm. Yet. If you've read this far, then you must be somewhat interested in the car, right? Be advised, I am in no mood to be trifled with after the 250 stupid phone calls I received over the weekend. That's right... 250, mostly asinine people, asking questions relating to the above 11 answers. Ever dealt with a woman whose hot-flashes run about 500 degrees? Seriously. Do NOT poke the bear, or if you do, do so at your own risk. I am not going to post my phone number, as my Xanax prescription is empty and I cannot afford to have it refilled until this Friday. That being said, I do have twenty photos of the car from every angle, aspect, perspective and view which I would be happy to send to you via email. Just click on the pretty blue link at the top of the post, and I promise I'll email you back lots of full-color photos that were taken just this morning. ****Only after I have determined that you are not going to be yet another idiot such as those mentioned above will I give you my phone number and/or address so that you may come and see the car****

DNC Fuel Scandal in Denver

If this had been done by Republicans for the RNC the outrage would be all over all three networks plus the cables. Keith Olberman would be popping a blood vessel. This is getting no coverage other than locally.
The following is from a friend of mine Chuck Green. Chuck retired as editor of the Denver Post several years ago, but still has his finger on the button when something fishy is going on in our state.
Fuel scandal needs advocate for prosecution

It is no laughing matter any longer. It has turned criminal, and it might go all the way to the mayor’s office.

The Rocky Mountain News reported Tuesday that the gasoline tanks of 61 vehicles being used by the planning committee of the Democratic National Convention have been filled with tax-free gas at city fuel stations.

Many of the vehicles were “loaned” - not leased or rented - from the City of Denver fleet.

The News estimated the value of the services might reach $450,000 or more. Unauthorized pumping of city fuel is a crime.

As one city employee said last week, “If I had done this, I’d be in jail.” Someone in the chain of command, which ultimately ends at Mayor John Hickenlooper’s office, must have authorized the fueling policy, and that person ought to be prosecuted.

There needs to be a thorough probe of the matter.

It is not satisfactory for the mayor to merely pledge that restitution be made. This isn’t so simple a crime.

The mayor himself promised Denver and Colorado taxpayers that no public money would be used to subsidize the Democrat convention, which begins one month from today. That pledge now has been broken - at least in the case of the gasoline scandal.

Either a City Council member - the most likely being Council member Charlie Brown, recently re-registered as an “independent” voter - or City Auditor Dennis Gallagher needs to move boldly. No one else would be trusted, certainly no one in the mayor’s office or on the DNC committees.

The probe should begin with an interview with every employee of the fuel station office. The opening question should be, “Who specifically authorized you to pump gasoline into the DNC vehicles?” Anyone who refuses to answer, or who says no one authorized it, should be suspended immediately.

The same question should be asked of everyone up the line in the Department of Public Works, with the same penalty. When the vise tightens on the last bureaucrat standing, whether it is Mayor Hickenlooper or DNC local committee chair Kathy Archuleta, he or she should be prosecuted as a potential felon.

The deal was made without a contract, which a spokesman for Gallaher already has said was improper.

The arrangement covered passenger cars, vans and at least one bus. The bus, according to records searched by The News, was filled up with fuel valued at more than $6,000 over the three-month period the policy was in effect.

Because it involves an avoidance of state fuel taxes paid by all motorists, Colorado Attorney General John Suthers already has determined that the practice probably was illegal. If the city itself doesn’t launch a credible investigation by the end of this week, Suthers should aggressively pursue the matter - even if it requires the power of a grand jury.

The leaders of the local and national DNC convention committees already have made fools of themselves several times over. The most embarrassing example was the local committee’s development of a catering policy that called for color-coordinated menus for all event meals, which provided material for all the national late-night TV comedians.

Under the glare of ridiculing publicity - involving The Wall Street Journal and New York Times - the food-police policy has been substantially relaxed.

Local merchants have complained that they have been cut out of convention business, violating pledges made to them by the mayor’s office and convention officials. Nothing has been done to help accommodate them.

Citizens were promised that the impact of the convention on businesses and commuters would be minimized; since then, traffic-flow problems have increased, primarily on the night of Barack Obama’s acceptance speech which has been moved from the primary convention site at the Pepsi Center to the larger Invesco Field - requiring the closure of Interstate 25.

Hypermiling idiots!

For those of you looking for ways to hypermile, stop reading now. For those who think I am going to blast the Toyota Prius you can quit now too.
Last week I made an 800 mile, all interstate trip down I-25 to attend my oldest son’s wedding in New Mexico. I must tell you that I drive a Ford Expedition with a 5.4L V8 and I can tow up to 9000 pounds safely if I so desire. I don’t. I feel extremely safe in my Maroon behemoth. It has all the creature comforts I need and it only has 375,000 miles on the odometer. I set the cruise control at 72MPH and listen to my 6 disc CD player with no disc having music newer than 1965 while cruising safely down the interstate until…….I come upon an idiot driving 50 miles per hour in a Ford Windstar, or a Chrysler Town and Country or some other family vehicle. Both hands gripped firmly at the ten o’clock and 2 O’clock positions while traffic backs up behind them. Going up a hill the speed drops to 45mph and a semi pulls out to pass and now both lanes are blocked with vehicles driving at sub 50 mile per hour speed. It is idiotic and unsafe! Now I feel I have to defend those of you who buy small cars for the economy. I was passed by two Toyota Prius’s while driving at a steady 72mph, along with untold VW rabbits, Nissans of all sorts and almost every kind of sub compact known to man including a Daewoo, whatever that is. Of course most of them were so small that they had a most inefficient carryall thingy hooked to the top of their car to allow them to carry even the smallest amount of luggage. If the airbags were to employ I am sure they would be pushed out the window like a leak in the bottom of a toothpaste tube. Why was it that the family wagon was the one trying to eak out that last drop of fuel economy and not the subcompact? Probably because the subcompact lived in fear that some monster SUV was going to run right over the top of them if at least they didn’t try to travel at highway speeds. So my hat is off to you, tiny car drivers, you were trying. As for the rest of you hypermiling idiots, maybe you could sacrifice a gallon or two per mile of fuel economy and when you get to your destination maybe order a Whopper Junior instead of a double Whopper. It will all equal out in the end and we all will be much safer on the highways.

What happened?

Sorry I have missed the last four days posting, I have been on a road trip to my oldest son's wedding. I will write on it at a time in the near future, but for now I want to give you a sneak peek at tomorrows entry. "Interstate Hypermilers". I am working on it off line now and trying to tone down the profanity. More tomorrow.

Eyes Off the Price

As I stand at the gas station filling my tank, the meter tallies how much it’s going to cost me. At this station, a gallon is $3.99, and as the meter passes the $50 mark, then the $70, I realize that I am paying too much attention to the price of gasoline. I bet you are too.

Looking back at my expenses over the past few years, I see big increases in my health care costs and in how much I pay for food. The rise in what I spend on gas is not nearly as extreme as my increases in categories like electricity and telephone. So why does the amount I spend on gasoline feel so enormous? I think it is because of the way we buy gas.

For the several minutes that I stand at the pump, all I do is stare at the growing total on the meter — there is nothing else to do. And I have time to remember how much it cost a year ago, two years ago, six years ago, hell even 40 years ago!

Yet I have no such memory about the prices of items in any other category. I have no idea how much milk was six years ago, how much bread was three years ago or how much yogurt was a week ago. But I suspect that if I stood next to the yogurt case in the supermarket for five minutes every week with nothing to do but stare at the price, I would also know how much it has gone up — and I might become outraged when yogurt passed the $2 mark.

Another odd thing about the way we buy gasoline is that we usually buy multiple units. I just bought 30 gallons for a little more than $119. The sticker shock isn’t as intense when I see the price per gallon as it is when I’m faced with the total cost. A hundred and twenty dollars! I remember when I filled my tank for $20 and $25 and $30! Maybe if I bought 30 loaves of bread at a time or 15 gallons of milk I might become just as sensitive to how much I spend on those items.

While we concentrate our anger on gas prices, we are ignoring increases in electricity, food and health insurance — expenses that might actually have a greater effect on our budgets.

I’ve read news reports about people who drive 20 miles from California to Mexico just to buy cheaper gas, and about people who trade in the gas-guzzling S.U.V.’s that they bought only a year ago for more fuel-efficient cars. Of course, buying cheaper gas and driving cars that use less of it is desirable. But I wonder if the person driving to Mexico considers the cost of the entire trip, including his time and wear and tear on the car. And I wonder if the person who takes a $20,000 loss on his S.U.V. ends up paying more for the trade than he can possibly save at the pump.

Perhaps it would be better if gas station attendants filled the tank for us, as they used to, so we did not stand at the pump watching the rising price of our gasoline. Maybe it would help if gas pumps came with bigger hoses so that filling up would go faster and we’d spend less time watching the meter. Or maybe we should just learn to examine all our purchases and expenses more holistically so that we see where rising costs make the biggest difference.

Obama Submission Rejected by Reader's Digest

Just days after The New York Times declined to publish an Op-Ed piece by Republican presidential nominee John McCain, Reader’s Digest has rejected a Barack Obama submission to its Humor in Uniform section.
While staffers refused to divulge the content of Sen. Obama’s “light-hearted military anecdote” a Reader’s Digest editor sent a rejection slip suggesting a “different approach.”
“Humor in Uniform items typically reflect a love and respect for our nation’s fighting forces, and support for the job they do,” the editor wrote to Sen. Obama. “And as you might guess from the section title, these items also tend to be funny. We would be happy to consider future submissions which fit this description.”
Sen. Obama refused to take questions about the incident, saying only, “There are easier ways to get $300.”

Sen. McCain Announces Late White House Bid

With presumptive President of the United States Barack Obama out of the country, Republican Sen. John McCain, of Arizona, today announced that he intends to challenge Sen. Obama in November’s general election.
Although experts agree that the Democrat nominee has the presidency all but locked up, Sen. McCain told several dozen cheering supporters that he’s “in it to win.”
“My friends, this is not just a vanity campaign to position myself for a sweeter advance payment from some book publisher,” said Sen. McCain. “I actually intend to be sitting in the Oval Office this time next year.”
None of the major TV networks covered the McCain announcement, however, since all of their anchors and reporters were in Afghanistan following the Obama campaign.
Mr. McCain, best known among Republicans for taking principled stands against Republicans, said he would take advantage of his rival’s absence to make speeches distancing himself from President George W. Bush.

McCain Backs Timeline to Get Obama Out of Iraq

Republican presidential nominee John McCain today for the first time said he can now support a timeline to reduce the American presence in Iraq, specifically advocating the withdrawal from Iraq of Democrat presidential nominee Barack Obama, and several battalions of U.S. news anchors and reporters.
“It’s time to bring them home,” said Sen. McCain at a news conference attended by an journalism intern from the Des Moines Register. “The surge has worked, and it’s time to redeploy.”
Sen. McCain said bringing Sen. Obama home would help to ensure that “people in the U.S., who desperately need media attention, will get the help they deserve.”
“Our mainstream media forces are stretched too thin,” he said. “If news should break here in the homeland, who’s going to cover it? We’re vulnerable.”

Appealed Strike Call Taken All the Way to Supreme Court

The United States Supreme Court heard oral arguments yesterday in the case of Wright v. Dreckman, which calls into question professional baseball player David Wright's 2005 check swing against the San Diego Padres and whether or not the resulting strike call should be upheld.
The decision was first handed down in New York's lowest circuit court, Shea Stadium, after presiding home-plate umpire Ed Montague was unable to rule in the case. San Diego Padres catcher Ramon Hernandez, acting on the advice of now-retired pitcher Pedro Astacio, then filed an immediate appeal with first-base umpire Bruce Dreckman, who ruled against Wright. However, according to defense attorney David B. Reiss, in order for justice to be served, the decision must be overturned by the Supreme Court and the strike ruled a ball.

The called strike pushed the count to an even 2-2.

"Evidence and eyewitness testimony will show that not only did my client's bat not cross the front of home plate, but his wrists never turned over in such a way as to demonstrate a clear intent to swing," Reiss said before members of the high court Wednesday. "In addition, I submit that the plaintiff's state of mind at the moment of the decision remains suspect. Was Mr. Dreckman paying full attention to my client? Or was he distracted by fans taunting his earlier failed call on an attempted bunt for a single? Also, there was a clear split second of hesitation on the part of Mr. Dreckman after Mr. Hernandez signaled for the appeal. Why is that?"

"The court has the responsibility today to define, once and for all, what constitutes a check swing. Is it—this?" added Reiss, demonstrating by swinging a bat and stopping it well before a ball placed on a tee. "Because if it is, my client successfully worked the count to a hitter-friendly three balls and one strike. And who knows what would have happened after that."

In the 2005 game, the at-bat in question ended with a groundout to shortstop.

The road to the Supreme Court for Wright v. Dreckman has been lengthy, convoluted, and filled with more than its share of tumult. After the 2005 Shea ruling, the case was appealed to the U.S. District Court of the state of New York, where the decision was reversed in favor of Wright. However, when it was revealed that the presiding judge was a lifelong Mets fan, the decision was thrown out and the case was again argued in front of the New York State Court of Appeals. That court, citing the 1994 case Bonds v. Davidson, sided with Dreckman.

According to attorney Reiss, however, the decision in Bonds v. Davidson was inapplicable. Though the court upheld the original ruling on the field, Reiss was quick to note that Bonds was left-handed, and thus the case set legal precedent with third-base umpires, not first-base umpires. Reiss believed Wright being right-handed constituted a legitimate enough reason to file a writ of certiorari, or "cert petition," an order for the case to be heard by the Supreme Court.

"We were never—never—going to stop fighting this until this case reached the top," Reiss told reporters after the court recessed. "And I hope that the justices find it in their hearts to do what is right. My client is a good man, a young man who has been an All-Star and a Silver Slugger. There is simply no way he would swing at a pitch that low and outside."

This is far from the first instance in which the Supreme Court has been called upon to decide matters of the national pastime. In the 1903 case of Wagner v. The Chicago White Sox, the court ruled 5-4 in favor of the defendant that "a base-ball hit far and high, only to bounce fairly onto the field-of-play, and then spring forth into the seats of the 'bleachers' should earn the bats-man no more and no fewer than two bases, and not an out." A landmark 1976 ruling established the infield fly rule. And more recently, a 2006 decision in the case of Rodriguez v. The Fans of New York cemented the legal precedent established in the 1940 case of Williams v. The Fans of Boston, which made it clear that baseball fans are free to boo, no matter how nonsensical it may seem, players on their home team.

Thus far, legal and baseball experts remain uncertain as to how the court will rule in Wright v. Dreckman.

"I think this decision could go either way," Baseball Tonight legal analyst John Kruk said. "Several of the justices, such as [Antonin] Scalia, are originalists who believe in the strict interpretation the baseball rulebook as it was first written. That document clearly states that a decision on the check swing ultimately falls on the umpire. However, there are those pragmatists on the court, such as Justice Breyer, who believe in the living, flexible rulebook."

Added Kruk: "And then there is Justice [Samuel] Alito, who is an idiot, and moreover has never watched a baseball game in his life."

Today In Music History

Unto Rock a Child is Born

True story, mostly:

Exactly 59 years ago today, in a sooty industrial city in England, something happened that would change the course of popular music forever. A baby was born. His name was Terence Butler.

One night, years later when he was a teenager, Terence had a terrible waking nightmare. He saw an ominous, faceless figure standing at the foot of his bed. The cloaked apparition said nothing but had a malicious, negative energy. Terence was paralyzed with fear. He closed his eyes tight and vowed to never again dabble in the occult, as he had been reading a book of spells and incantations. When he opened his eyes again, the figure had vanished.

The next morning, Terence told his friend John Osbourne about the apparition. Terrance and John were in a bluesy garage band together, so John wrote some song lyrics about Terence's ghastly encounter. Their band-mate Tony wrote a suitably spooky guitar lick for it using a three-note chord known as the tritone -- a dissonant sound that was known in the Middle Ages as diabolus in musica ("the Devil in Music"). One day the band members walked into a studio, recorded that song and a few others, and walked out several hours later with their debut album.

And just like that, heavy metal was created. The band was called Black Sabbath. Their album was called Black Sabbath. And that song about Terence's enounter with the cloaked ghoul was called -- yep! -- Black Sabbath.

The singer, John Osbourne, became better known by his nickname, Ozzy. Terence went by the monicker Geezer (which, now that he's almost 60, is finally becoming appropriate).

That album changed everything. Rock music had never before sounded so scary, so intense, and so heavvvvyyyy.

It was arguably the most influential rock album of all time (it's my argument and I'm sticking to it). If a band's "influence" can be measured by the number of tribute albums made in its honor, Black Sabbath is the clear winner. At last count, there were nearly 30 Black Sabbath tribute albums on the market, including: a bluegrass tribute, a string quartet tribute, two lounge music tributes, an Indian music tribute, about a dozen metal tributes (naturally), a medieval music tribute, and a collection of Black Sabbath songs rejigged as lullabies.

And none of it would have happened if, 59 years ago today, a kid named Terence Butler hadn't been born.

It also helps that a cloaked demon (or perhaps his mother in her nightgown) spooked him one night in the dark.

..and More Breaking News

Today the Green Bay Packers accused the Minnesota Vikings of having unauthorized negotiations with retired former Green Bay Packer Brett Favre. Favre, who wants to play football again, but is unhappy because Packer management refuse to bow down and kiss his super bowl ring is seeking employment elsewhere. The Packers have spoken with Minnesota Supreme Court Justice Alan Page and voiced the grievance while mentioning that number 88 is available for the upcoming season with the Green Bay club. Page who will retire from the Minnesota Supreme Court in 2010 is unsure if he can manage both his judicial duties while playing for the Packers this fall. Oh, wait a minute, the Packers did not even mention that to the former Viking Hall of Fame member, they did however ask if he had the number of Carl Eller.

In related news Paul Hornung is giving 5-2 odds that Favre will not play for the Packers this season.

More Breaking News

In a surprise move today Yelberton Abraham Tittle announced the sale of his insurance and financial services business and contacted the San Francisco 49ers about returning to the club.

"Hell, I'm only 81, maybe they will give me that as my new number" stated Y.A. as he shopped around for a faceguard for his helmet. "They didn't have these back in the day, how is a fella supposed to see through these things?" "I tried to contact Baltimore, I played for them back in 1948, but I was told that Baltimore moved to Indianapolis, I don't know anyone in Indianapolis" sighed Tittle a 1971 Hall of Fame Inductee. "I know I can still chuck the old pumpkin if some team will just give me a chance.

In related news, Fran Tarkenton was seen perusing the Minneapolis real estate ads while sitting at a local watering hole.

Breaking News

Bart Starr coming out of retirement, says he might have retired a little too soon.

Bart Starr announced his unretirement today and wants to challenge that “young whippersnapper” for the starting job this fall. “I know they like me” says Starr who will turn 65 soon. “No whining on my part, I talked with Vince in this hand holding, lit candle thingy the other night and he said to go for it and not to let that Favre kid give you any lip” “Hell I am in the Hall of Fame, that ought to count for something”.

And in related news, Johnny Unitas spotted at local Foot Locker trying on black high tops.

Bush Plan to Save Fannie, Freddie Stirs Confidence

The Bush administration’s plan to use the Federal Reserve and the U.S. Treasury to save two mismanaged quasi-governmental mortgage companies has already revived confidence in the U.S. free enterprise system both at home and abroad.
“This just proves that American capitalism works,” said an unnamed analyst from Bear Stearns. “The self-correcting mechanism of free markets still happens as if guided by an invisible hand. This week we caught another glimpse at that hand. Too bad Adam Smith wasn’t alive to see it.”
Around the globe, investor faith in the U.S. economy was buoyed by the news that the federal government had stepped in to prop up Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac, the two firms which either hold, or back, about half of the mortgages in the United States.
“The true measure of strength is one’s willingness to seek help in time of need,” said one investor. “When Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae came crawling to the U.S. taxpayer to bail them out, their executives boldly showed that they’re not afraid to be vulnerable.”
Confidence also swelled because the two mortgage giants will get rescued using OPM — other people’s money — another signal to investors of the stability and integrity of these firms.
President George Bush, speaking to a group of skittish fiscal conservatives today at a gathering sponsored by The Club for Growth, said the rescue plan made sense.
“Fannie Mae is not some faceless bureaucracy,” said President Bush. “It’s an American institution. It’s personal. So when we use taxpayer dollars to keep it from going under, we’re not trying to save some mortgage company out there, my fellow Republicans, we’re trying to save your Fannie and mine.”

Breaking News

Shark photographed jumping over surfers
NEW SMYRNA BEACH, Fla. -- A Central Florida photographer captured a one-in-a-million photo of a shark jumping out of the water near the heads of surfers.

Photographer Kem McNair snapped the photo of the black tip shark jumping out of the water near the surfers in the waters off New Smyrna Beach. The men were seemingly oblivious to the shark's presence.

McNair said the University of Florida wants to use his picture as the cover for a study on shark bites in the area.

So far, there have been 12 bites in New Smyrna this year.

Added note: Rarely read Colorado blogger hastily changes vacation plans, sells sunscreen on eBay, deodorizes computer chair and does extra load of laundry.

Iran Threatens to Photoshop Isreal from Map

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said his nation’s missile tests this week are part of a previously-secret plan to “Photoshop Israel from the map.”
Images of the missile tests showed apparently-real, as well as computer-generated duplicates of Shahab missiles, which Iran claims have a range of up to 1,250 miles — long enough to strike Israel — a claim which has since been questioned by Western arms experts.
Mr. Ahmadinejad said that while it may take years to produce actual weapons that could strike “the Zionist state”, Iranian scientists and graphic artists have already demonstrated the ability, using Adobe® technology to “completely obliterate” Israel from the map.
“We can do it at a moments notice,” he said, “Even now I have my finger on the button of a device that can make the borders and all the cities of Israel vanish in seconds.”

Another Sign the Apocalypse is Near

Balla Powder: Scented Scrotum Talc for Men - 3.5oz

The aptly-named Bálla Powder is "scented scrotum talc for men." It's $15 via Amazon. From the product description:

Balla Powder for Men is the ideal anti-chafing and anti-wetness solution for clammy sacks. Guaranteed to prevent the dreaded "bat wing" syndrome, Balla Powder for Men is lightly scented with a masculine fragrance, for anyone else who plans to work in your close quarters. Can be sprinkled into your fudgies for all-day-long comfort and dryness. A fabulous post-workout treatment, Balla Powder for Men can also be used between your cheeks, as well as on fetid feet and aromatic armpits.

Jesse Jackson Wishes he Had Obama's Balls

Jesse Jackson is unsatisfied with his johnson.
Civil rights leader Jesse Jackson admitted Sunday he would like to have Barack Obama’s testicles.
“I want to cut his nuts off,” Jackson, 66, told a friend. Then looking down toward his own genitalia, he said if he could surgically graft the new, younger testicles onto himself, it “would keep hope alive.”
Jackson told The Peoples News that he’s jealous of Obama. In 1984 and 1988, Jackson ran for president but couldn’t get past the primary stage.
Now that Obama, the presumptive Democratic presidential nominee, is close to fulfilling what Jackson started, the civil rights leader can’t accept that another African American has gone further in a bid for the White House. He used a seafood metaphor to explain his feelings.
“If we were crabs boiling in a pot together and he tried to escape the pot I would pull him back down,” Jackson said. “Then I would cut his nuts off.”
Obama spokesman Bill Burton said Jackson was a hater.
“We don’t need no hateration or holleration up in here!” Burton said. “Damn!”
The civil rights leader’s son, Jesse Jackson, Jr., said he wasn’t surprised by his father’s comments.
“He’s always wished he had the cojones to be a viable presidential candidate,” said Jackson, Jr.
The elder Jackson later said his comments were misinterpreted.
“I support Senator Obama. I hope he becomes president,” Jackson said. “I just want to cut his nuts off and have him not be more popular than me. Is that so wrong?”

Bill Clinton Sadly Folds First Lady Dress Back Into Box

After months of tirelessly supporting his wife on the campaign trail, devoted spouse and former president Bill Clinton breathed a resigned sigh last month and carefully folded the charcoal silk, fitted sheath dress he had hoped to wear as first lady during next January's inauguration and placed it back in its beautiful box.

The former commander in chief takes one last look at the most beautiful first lady dress in the whole wide world.
The 61-year-old Clinton, who has appeared on the covers of both Time and Newsweek and has recently been lauded for his work as an outspoken advocate for human rights, purchased the Christian Dior gown earlier this year after wife Hillary announced her bid for the presidency. Though he has promised to stand by her until rival Barack Obama is officially named the Democratic nominee in August, Clinton told friends that he "could not bear" to look at the dress any longer.

"A beautiful gown like this shouldn't be wasted on any but the most special of occasions," said Clinton, who, before packing the garment away, spent a quiet moment running his fingers over the expert stitching and delicate cascade of ruffles. "No. This dress deserves to be worn by a real first lady."

After slowly tying the original silk bow around the box and clutching it to his chest for 45 seconds, the former world leader gently placed the dress inside his so-called "first lady hope chest." Sources close to the Clintons have confirmed that the chest includes items the 42nd president had planned to bring with him to a Hillary-led White House, among them a pair of unworn white satin gloves, some hand-blown glass Christmas ornaments, a pewter locket bearing a portrait of his mother, a pressed daisy, two pearl drop earrings, and a handful of wallpaper, fabric swatches and a moving van full of china and Whitehouse furniture.

"My, my, would you just look at this—all dressed up and no place to go," said Clinton, removing a ruby brooch from a small box marked "Final Iraq Pullout." "I suppose the American people want better for their first lady than some pie-eyed boy from Arkansas with a head full of dreams and all the grace of a peeled potato. I only hope Michelle [Obama] or Cindy [Hensley McCain] will have the courage to change those hideous drapes in the Lincoln Bedroom."

While Clinton has vowed never to wear the outfit publicly, he admitted to removing the gown from its box once before, after Hillary won the California and New York primaries. On that occasion, Clinton reportedly stood before his bedroom mirror, held the bodice to his torso, straightened his posture before extending a gloved hand outward and, in honeyed, lilting tones, repeated the line, "Oh, this old thing? Prime Minister Fukuda, you do go on."

Despite her husband's charm and optimism, Sen. Clinton was unable to gain enough delegates to secure the Democratic nomination and will return to her seat in the U.S. Senate. After she announced the suspension of her $212 million campaign, former president Clinton told reporters he was "devastated" that he would never have the chance to stand before the American people on the Capitol steps in the timeless elegance of Dior.

"It was silly of me to waste so much money on such an extravagant outfit, but when I saw it in the store, I thought to myself, 'Bill, that's your inauguration dress,' " Clinton said.”I suppose it's for the best, though. Knowing me, I would have spilled champagne all over it. Still, can you imagine?"

Clinton has denied rumors that he will wear the high-necked, cap sleeve frock at an upcoming gala at Arkansas Children's Hospital. He has also refused to give the one-of-a-kind gown to his daughter, Chelsea, saying she is still years away from getting married and "doesn't have the waist for it."

Clinton added that the most upsetting aspect of packing the tailored first lady dress away was that it meant recognizing that his decades-old dream of being first lady would never come true.

"I remember watching President [John F.] Kennedy's inauguration," said Clinton, clasping his hands to his chest and staring off into the distance. "It was Jan. 20, 1961. He placed his hand on the Bible as everyone watched and took the oath in front of God and Chief Justice Earl Warren. And there beside him was Jackie. Oh, Jackie. In that pillbox hat and that glorious Oleg Cassini masterpiece in greige wool melton. She was a wonder."

"I remember thinking, 'Someday, I'll be president,'" Clinton continued, "'and then, eight years later and largely owing to my own massive public appeal, my wife will become president and I can be the prettiest first lady there ever was.'"

At press time, Clinton was seen in a low-cut black evening gown holding two bottles of champagne as he attempted to gain access to Sen. Barack Obama's campaign bus, telling reporters he only wished to discuss a "key domestic issue" with the presumptive Democratic nominee.

News in the World of Sports

As most of you know I am a news and sports junkie. I read and read, and read some more. here is some of the more interesting quips from articles I have read this week. (italics, mine)

New Zealand viewers tuning in for their weekly fill of "Grass Roots Rugby" on Prime TV last week got quite an eyeful, Auckland's TV3 reported, when the broadcast was inexplicably pre-empted for nearly four minutes by an X-rated movie, "Desperate Black Wives 2."

Pitcher C.C. Sabathia, upon arriving in Milwaukee via trade Monday, asked reporters to henceforth lose the two periods after his initials, please.
Oh, and while you're at it, move the period one digit to the left on his 13.50 All-Star ERA.

No wonder German policeman Frank Stoldt, 37, lost the world chess-boxing championship — featuring alternating rounds of chess matches and boxing — to Russian student Nikolai Sazhin, 19, in Berlin.
"I took a lot of body-blows in the fourth round, and that affected my concentration," Stoldt told Agence France-Presse. "That's why I made a big mistake in the fifth round: I did not see him coming for my king”.

Former U.S. soccer star Brandi Chastain is among the golfers entered for this weekend's American Century Celebrity Championship in Lake Tahoe, Calif.
Can't wait to see how she celebrates an eagle putt.

Wow, I just typed that entire blog in 1 minute, 23 seconds flat. Amazing what I can do when I'm writing in my new high-tech, body-length Speedo LZR Racer.

Part-time NASCAR driver and part-time broadcaster Kyle Petty, winless since 1995, was in no hurry to return to the booth after driving the pace car in Saturday's Coke Zero 400 race at Daytona.
"I may not come up there," he told TNT's Bill Weber and Wally Dallenbach. "This is the first time I've led anything in about 20 years."

Yankees pitcher Joba Chamberlain, to Sports Illustrated, on the difference between New York and his native state: "In Nebraska, we don't get clothes from Europe; we get Wranglers."

Padres CEO Sandy Alderson, to The San Diego Union-Tribune, on why his last-place team won't be buyers at the July 31 trading deadline: "There's not a shopping cart big enough."

Ted Wyman of the Winnipeg Sun, on players jumping teams for tens of millions of dollars: "Is there a bigger oxymoron in sports than the term 'free agent'?"

Mike Downey of the Chicago Tribune, on the Olympics opening on Aug. 8: "For a while there, I thought Rafael Nadal vs. Roger Federer might not be done by then."

Texting

I got my first cell phone for work from my employer in 1988. It was approximately the size of my car and it came in a big, black zippered case that looked like I was carrying a vinyl covered cinderblock. It had a cord.

I toted my phone with me everywhere and thought I was so awesome.

Seriously. That's how lame I am.

Now I have a cell phone that’s so small I’m sometimes afraid I will swallow it while I’m talking to my kids. It’s shiny and red and skinny and does a myriad of things like take pictures, play songs, and probably if I asked nicely enough and pushed certain buttons in just the right combination, complete and file my taxes. It is a Berry something or other. It beeps and burps and plays the William Tell Overture every time someone calls me. If I am late for an appointment I get a reminder gong. Sometime when my Significant Other calls it plays the 1812 Overture. How do it know?

Although my phone is really cool, I am not. Therefore I do not fully understand text messaging.

I mean, I get it. I know how to do it. But I don’t understand why it’s cool or fun. To me, it seems like work, what with all the typing on those tiny little keys and having to remember acronyms and whatnot.

The other night I received numerous text messages at around 3am from someone who was obviously drunk. And, um, obviously got the number wrong because I don’t want to come over and party with someone named Tiffany, especially at 3am when I have just finished watching a John Wayne movie on AMC and I am really kind of sleepy.

Tiffany may be cool and fun and apparently is some kind of contortionist because she sent me a photo of her in a flesh colored body suit (at least I hope it was a body suit) where she was doing…well anyway she was.

I laughed and laughed and laughed some more about that and then sent her a text back explaining that no, I did not want to send a picture of my penis and/or other parts. She sent back a picture of her with no flesh colored bodysuit on. I could tell this time because I don’t think they sell bodysuits with nipples on them. It was less pornographic I suppose than the first, but it still didn’t do anything me. I was thinking about John Wayne.

I, being heinously uncool, laid there and thought for a moment. I will never figure out this texting thing.

But what do I know?

I’m so freaking uncool.

To the Recent College Graduate: "The Art of Being Cool"

• Dear recent graduate: I see you almost every day, in restaurants, hanging out in the coffee shops, picketing for the whales on the street corners, etc. You think you're cool.
  Being cool is normally subjective. But there are some things that unequivocally make you uncool. I'm not saying you're cool, I'm just saying if you own any of these items, you’re not.​
  
  10. iPhone​
  ​
  WHY YOU THINK YOU’RE COOL: You can access e-mails, high speed internet, and watch videos, all on your phone. Because really, normal people around you are so damn boring you can hardly bear actually interacting with them.​
  ​
  WHY YOU’RE NOT COOL: I’ve done some research and iPhone is actually a Japanese word that means “something that’s not able to be put in a pocket and instead must be carried in your hand at all times or set on the table in front of you so that any one around you can see it.” This may sound shocking, but when someone remarks how hot it is, they’re not asking you to look up the temperature in both farenheit and celcius, or show them a clip on a 3 inch screen from “An Inconvenient Truth” in an effort to relate this heat to global warming.​
  ​
  9.Ironic Belt Buckles​
  ​
  WHY YOU THINK YOU’RE COOL: Now you can show up in bars and point at your belt buckle and tell people that you are a “Rodeo Champion” or a “Pac Man” or a “Truck Driver” or a “Jack Daniels.” And while they will know that you are actually none of these things, you think you’re being playful and a little bit mysterious. You also think this tactic will help you pick up women.​
  ​
  WHY YOU’RE NOT COOL: You’re the same person who has ironic facial hair (mustache), drinks ironic beer (PBR) and wears ironic T-shirts (Lucky Charms). You spend your entire life trying to look as shiatty and poor as possible while, chances are, you have rich parents or a job for an accounting firm that pays you over $60,000. In four years you will be a Republican living in the suburbs and complaining about your 401k over wine spritzers at dinner parties.​
  ​
  8. Blue Tooth Headset​
  ​
  WHY YOU THINK YOU’RE COOL: All the other losers have to use their hands when they talk on the phone. Not you! You can talk on your phone and at the same time safely give some loser the finger because they’re only driving the speed limit. It’s Tuesday, doesn’t this asshole know you have your jujitsu class at 24 hour fitness to go to?​
  ​
  WHY YOU’RE NOT COOL: I don’t give a shiat if you’re talking to someone on the other end, when you’re in a Subway Sandwiches and they’re trying to take your order while you say “Listen, you give me that paperwork for the Johnson account by tomorrow or it’s your ass. No mayo. I said no Mayo! Yeah, that’s right, Johnson account on my desk! No pepperoncinis!” it’s pretty god damn confusing and asshole-ish to everyone trying to deal with you. Answer your phone when you have time to hold it in your hand. The only people that should be wearing blue tooth wireless headsets are military field generals and the people that work the day after thanksgiving sale at Old Navy.​
  ​
  7. Quoting Austin Powers/Borat/Old School​
  ​
  WHY YOU THINK YOU’RE COOL: Put on your earmuffs because that woman has a vageen that hangs like sleeve of wizard. Yeah, baby! Those movies are HILARIOUS, thus if you can quote them, by default you’re hilarious too!​
  ​
  WHY YOU’RE NOT COOL: We all enjoy quoting our favorite movies, but let’s put these three to bed. Not only did I have every last bit of dialogue to the Borat movie screamed in my face three months before it came out, but let’s face it, Austin Powers wasn’t funny 10 years ago. And I still have to hear people telling me that “circus folk smell vaguely of cabbage.” On top of it, everyone murders the accents. Whenever I hear some asshole in a bar trying doing his version of Borat, somehow he sounds like a tongueless Canadian with a sock in his mouth. This has to stop or I am going to skip the earmuffs and go directly to cutting my ears off.​
  ​
  6. PT Cruiser​
  ​
  WHY YOU THINK YOU’RE COOL: It’s like a car from back in the thirties! It’s sleek design and throw back look allows everyone tailgating in the parking lot at the Dave Matthews concert know that you’re a free spirit who is all about having good times!​
  ​
  WHY YOU’RE NOT COOL: If you’ve ever wondered what a gay transformer would turn in to, wonder no more. Not only do they call a retarded amount of attention to themselves on the road, when you drive them you look like a soccer mom whose transporting alcohol during the prohibition era.​
  ​
  5. Tricked Out Bicycles​
  ​
  WHY YOU THINK YOU’RE COOL: I honestly have no idea.​
  ​
  WHY YOU’RE NOT COOL: Instead of looking like some hipper, younger version of a real biker (who actually is cool), you just look like some 8th-grader who blew his allowance on sparklers for his tricycle. With its weirdly-bent handlebars and wacky forks, your “cruiser” looks like the elephant man of bikes. Plus, these things are clearly uncomfortable to ride. I love watching some tattooed douchebag try to look laid back and cool after he had to dislocate both of his shoulders just to reach the handlebars. Not to mention, you could’ve gotten a friggin’ car for what you paid for this piece of crap. Dumbass.​
  ​
  4. Fidel Castro Hats​
  ​
  WHY YOU THINK YOU’RE COOL: Wearing a Fidel Castro hat let’s the world know that you’re different and that you have thoughts and ideas that make you significantly more special and free thinking than those who wear traditional baseball hats.​
  ​
  WHY YOU’RE NOT COOL: You know why the Communist Cuba Military can get away with wearing them? Because they carry automatic weapons. You most likely carry a compilation book of Charles Bukowski poems. The tiny bill and camoflauged coloring make you look like a retarded son of a army ranger who had a pair of scissors and access to his father’s closet. I realize you want to tell the world you’re a non-comformist, but unfortunately being a non-conformist means you’re conforming to non-conformism. You might want to ponder that at that next record release party for a band no one’s heard of that you’re pretending to like.​
  ​
  3. Guitar Hero​
  ​
  WHY YOU THINK YOU’RE COOL: Dude, this game totally rocks! I love this song! Hell yes! Welcome to the Jungle, baby! You’re gonna diiiiiiiiiiiee!​
  ​
  WHY YOU’RE NOT COOL: Despite what the commercial says, you do not suddenly turn into Slash when you’re playing this video game. You are playing a child-sized guitar that doesn’t even have strings. It has multi-colored buttons and an on/off button. And playing this video game does not mean you can play the guitar now. If I have to hear someone say “I can totally play ‘Anarchy in the UK’” but actually mean “I can totally play ‘Anarchy in the UK’ on Guitar Hero,” I am going to take a pee inside the nearest PS3.​
  ​
  2. Longboard Skateboards​
  ​
  WHY YOU THINK YOU’RE COOL: You’re just a laid back dude who likes to cruise the streets and board walks but still has the credibility shared by those who ride smaller, more dangerous boards.​
  ​
  WHY YOU’RE NOT COOL: You’re basically one step away from being the little kid at Costco who jumps on the big grocery cart when his mother isn’t looking. Whereas if a normal skateboarder falls he injures himself, you’re traveling at speeds that allow those walking to pass you, and if you fall, you’ll most likely fall on the board and continue traveling. Hence, you’re basically riding a skateboard designed for those without any coordination or athletic ability. It’d be like playing baseball, except replacing the ball with a giant stuffed animal.​
  ​
  1. Funny Ringtones​
  ​
  WHY YOU THINK YOU’RE COOL: A ring tone is a great way to give strangers and coworkers a little peek into your personal life and let them know that your grasp of pop culture is vast. You’re pretty sure that having a silly quote from Monty Python or the Transformers theme song as your ringtone will make those around you realize that you are a the guy everyone else wants to be. There is definitely more to you than meets the eye.​
  ​
  WHY YOU’RE NOT COOL: Having your phone play Right Said Fred’s “I’m Too Sexy” just makes you look (and sound) like an asshole. And the fact that you let it “ring” 15 times while you stand there and look around for reactions to your hilarious little joke not only reeks of desperation, but it makes everyone around you want to cram that phone up your you know what. Put it on vibrate like every other normal person and keep your witticisms between you and your collection of Star Wars figurines.
  

The Cindy McCain Robot, With Humanlike Speech

"We have the technology. " That was the message out of the McCain camp this week as Sen. John McCain unveiled a newly refurbished Cindy McCain...

"We have the technology."

That was the message out of the McCain camp today as Sen. John McCain unveiled a newly refurbished Cindy McCain robot, featuring a state-of-the-art replacement head.

While the Cindy McCain robot had been a fixture during the primary campaign, appearing at the senator's side at hundreds of campaign events, a McCain campaign aide went out of his way to indicate that with its newly installed head, the CinBot-9000 was ready "to take it to a whole new level."

"This new head is going to enable the Cindy McCain robot to do things that it could never do before," said McCain aide Davison Matz. "For one thing, it will now be able to talk."

Davison said that while the robot's previous head had been able to emit simple sentences such as "I've always been proud of my country," the replacement head will have a 400-word vocabulary that will enable the android to simulate humanlike speech.

"The robot will be able to talk about the economy as well as Sen. McCain himself," Davison said.

He also said that the newly improved Cindy McCain robot would have increased data storage, enabling it to store up to 2,000 recipes from a variety of online cooking sites.

Appearing with Sen. McCain at its unveiling, the CinBot-9000's new head appeared virtually identical to the previous one, down to its bleached blonde hair and glassy-eyed stare.

Beaming with pride, the GOP nominee remarked on the new head's resemblance to the old one: "She still plasters her makeup on like a trollop."

Elsewhere, President Bush announced plans to carve Iraq into two regions, "Full Serve" and "Self Serve."

Basic Algebra for Gas

x = Distance between "cheap" pump and your local pump. (miles)
D = Difference in total cost (i.e. I saved $10)
Y = Cost per gallon ($/Gallon)
M = Mileage (Miles/Gallon)

If (X/M) * Y > D, don't go.

For example. Let's say I find somewhere where filling up the (13 gallon) tank is $0.25 cheaper per gallon. I save $3.25. Let's say gas cost $4 and I get ~30 mpg. That means I have to drive less than 20 miles round trip out of my way to get gas.

Either way, you burn more gas, waste time, and are a moron if you drive far to save a nickel.

Nothing Says Independence Like Being Blown Clear Back to England

Today is the Fourth of July, Independence Day. It's the day we celebrate when Americans, a time long, long ago, were just a small band of unruly Pilgrims wearing knee-high white socks pulled up over the legs of their pants and carrying guns that looked a lot like trombones.

On the Fourth, we celebrate telling King George III to keep his soggy little island because we'd found a big, new land, which we could steal from the American Indians. Feeling justifiably guilty about that, we later let the American Indians build big, new casinos, where thousands of us go to basically give them our money.

We modern Americans like to gather our families together on the Fourth of July weekend and light up enough explosives in the backyard to imagine what it was like when Francis Scott Key wrote "The Star-Spangled Banner." That's why we also let the Native Americans sell us illegal fireworks.

But not all Americans can afford to spend $9,999 on fireworks for a five-minute display of exploding, colored gunpowder. So we invented the portable gas-barbecue grill.

In the old days, our ancestors had to start their grills with little bits of coal found in paper bags while foraging for food at the corner grocery store.

But no one could get the coal to actually burn until Great-Great-Grand-Daddy Herbert doused it with five gallons of gasoline one day and blew the grill 400 feet into the air. All the womenfolk made funny vowel sounds like, "Ooooh" and "Aaaaaah."

Nowadays, we use propane for outdoor cooking because no American can afford that much gasoline.

A fine American named George Goble holds the national record for a grill lighting. At a picnic in 1994, he poured five gallons of liquid oxygen rocket propellant onto 60 pounds of charcoal and, using a cigarette, ignited a large fireball that he believes reached 10,000 degrees Fahrenheit. Yeehaw!

(See it for yourself on YouTube. Search "How to light a grill.")

The grill was ready in two seconds. But you can't even buy that stuff on a reserve. When Goble tried to duplicate his feat on a flimsy, hibachi-style grill, it basically vaporized.

It's a record that, as an American, I am proud to say still stands.

It brings tears to my eyes that, if we hadn't fought the British for our independence, we never would have produced engineers like Goble, who can light a grill faster than a professional baseball player can scratch himself.

Cooking small chunks of large barnyard animals on the barbecue is a typical July 4th activity. Dad will throw neat little packages of cows and pigs on a flaming grill, close the top, grab a beer in one hand and throw the Frisbee to the kids with the other.

When the grill starts smoking so much that water bombers circle overhead, Mom will yell out the window and Dad will chisel off the food, which has now assumed the exact same form as the chunks of charcoal you see in history books.

What you don't eat, the kids can try to blow up later with the illegal fireworks.

If you find your celebration losing steam this year, gather the family and remind them that, in July, we celebrate the birthday of Calvin Coolidge. Remember our favorite president who said, "If you don't say anything, you won't be called on to repeat it."

Limbaugh-Topping Deal Goes to Unnamed Liberal Host

A consortium of progressive radio broadcasters, including Air America and NPR, today announced that a blockbuster eight-year, $500 million contract, topping Rush Limbaugh’s new deal with Clear Channel and Premiere Radio, has been negotiated with a liberal talk show host yet to be named.
“The era of conservative radio domination is over,” said an anonymous spokesman for the consortium, “Rush Limbaugh is the last of a dying breed and with Barack Obama in the White House, Americans are ready and eager for a new talk king, or queen, with a liberal perspective.”
The half-billion dollar deal, to be funded largely with taxpayer dollars from NPR and contributions from liberal donors through Air America and 527’s, is unprecedented in an industry where eight of the top ten talk hosts are conservatives.
“We have nailed down the signing bonus, the term of the contract and the annual amount,” said the spokesman. “All we need now is an entertaining, intellectually-challenging and politically-honest liberal host to whom millions of Americans will love to listen.”
Asked if the potential candidates had been winnowed yet to a “short list” the source said, “We have ruled out any liberal talkers whose ratings don’t register on the meter, which at this point is all of them. So we’re looking outside of the broadcasting industry, maybe someone like Jane Fonda or Sean Penn will show an interest”

Congress to Halt Closing of Unprofitable Starbucks

Democrats in Congress today plan to introduce a bill to halt the recently-announced closing of some 600 Starbucks coffee stores, noting that the displacement of 12,000 Starbucks baristas would overwhelm government aid offices not prepared to handle so many clients for whom English is a second language.
Baristas, those who serve Starbucks beverages, speak a peculiar dialect that combines pseudo-Italian and American slang with inflections borrowed from ancient hemp-smoking cultures.
“These people can’t just walk out of Starbucks and get a job at a grocery store or a factory,” said House Majority Leader Nancy Pelosi, D-CA. “They would need ESL classes and cultural training to learn how to relate to ordinary Americans and function in society.”
Rep. Pelosi’s bill would subsidize the 600 money-losing Starbucks locations by giving away millions of taxpayer dollars in so-called ‘Venti Vouchers’ to residents of these hard-hit neighborhoods. If the effort fails to revive the flagging stores, Rep. Pelosi said Democrats would “seriously consider nationalizing the coffee industry to ensure the free flow of java at fair prices.”
“This is just another one of our heroic Democrat efforts to protect Americans from the impact of the Bush economic policies,” said Rep. Pelosi. “Under this president, America has become a cold and desolate place where corporations cut unprofitable activities to focus on increasing the bottom line, and returning value to shareholders. When Democrats retake the White House next year, we will reverse that trend.”

Flustered Bush Misses Air Force One Flight

CAMP SPRINGS, MD—Despite sprinting through the Andrews Air Force Base south terminal, President Bush narrowly missed his Air Force One flight to Japan for the G8 summit earlier today after arriving just moments after the plane's doors had closed.

The 12-person crew was not able to accommodate the president due to strict federal guidelines requiring all passengers to arrive at their departure gate 15 minutes prior to takeoff—guidelines flight officials say are especially important considering heightened security around the president. When Bush inquired into the possibility of being placed on standby for Air Force Two, the exasperated commander in chief was informed that the flight was full and Vice President Dick Cheney was unwilling to give up his seat.

The president was left "high and dry" at Andrews AFB today.
"I understand it's frustrating to miss a flight," said Air Force One Chief Boarding Coordinator Derek Morganson, who attended a special meeting with the president to discuss the government-funded airline's exchange policy. "But Mr. Bush has to understand that we are entrusted by the White House with a very important job, and we can't make exceptions for one person just because it suits his schedule. No airline would operate like that."

Morganson was able to offer the president a standby seat on an affiliate airline's 3 p.m. flight to Singapore, though Bush said he failed to see "how that helps [him] in the slightest."

After concluding a "pointless talk" with desk personnel at Gate 14, Bush took questions in the air-base food court, where he denounced the airline's actions.

"This is so typical," said Bush while eating a $19 chicken-Caesar-salad wrap. "Of course, they had all the time in the world to check my bags and they told me I'd be all set, but all of a sudden, I'm not allowed on the plane. Now my biggest suitcase is halfway to who-knows-where and I'm stuck in this stupid airport. Don't these people ever communicate with each other?" said Bush, who refused an offer to put him up at a nearby Super 8 Motel for the evening.

"Plus, I just remembered that my charger is in that suitcase, and I'm down to one bar on my cell phone," Bush continued. "How the hell am I supposed to call Laura?"

Bush told reporters his heart sank when he saw the departure–arrival monitor and realized that he had missed the last boarding call: "For Christ's sake," the president said. "This is a nightmare."

"I remember when Air Force One used to care about customer service. Now it's all about their bottom line."

Although he did not offer a specific cause for his delayed arrival at the airport, the president mentioned misunderestimating rush hour and "losing the goddamn keys again" as factors. Bush admitted he may have misjudged the amount of time needed to pass through security, especially with thousands of military personnel heading out on international flights and the TSA attendants busy profiling blacks and Muslims while pocketing valuables from inspected suitcases. But he maintained he had arrived at the gate while the plane was still on the tarmac, and said it would have taken the crew "all of two seconds" to let him board the Boeing 747-200B aircraft.

Bush, who describes himself as a "perpetual traveler" who had exclusively used Air Force One for both work and his frequent vacations, said he will begin looking into other carriers.

"They just lost their best customer and I speak with the most truthiness," said Bush after purchasing a Robin Cook novel and settling in at Runway Café. "I remember when Air Force One used to care about customer service. Now it's all about their bottom line."

Air Force One representatives expressed regret for any inconvenience experienced by President Bush and assured him that the many useful comment cards he filled out will be seriously considered, even though "Air Force One Presidential Air Transport wasn't the one who missed his flight."

Bush, who is scheduled to attend the G8 Summit and meet with Japanese Prime Minister Fukuda, said the airline's treatment of him was "inexcusable and ridiculous."

A ticket agent did eventually arrange an itinerary to get the president to Tokyo, first putting him on a shuttle flight aboard Marine One to Pittsburgh, where he will transfer to the cargo hold of a C-130 air transport delivering three Apache helicopters to Edwards Air Force Base in California, before riding with a military-supply-truck convoy to an undisclosed location in the Nevada desert, where he will then accompany test pilots from Fallon Naval Air Station to Guam and then hitch a ride on the USS Nimitz to Sasebo and pick up a rental car paid for by Air Force One.

"Not only did I miss my flight, but now I'm going to miss my connecting motorcade to the Summit, and I will have to learn to drive a goddam Toyota with a stick shift," said Bush. "Yeah, I'll make the meeting, but I'll never get there in time for my keynote address or the seafood brunch. I hope they don’t have broccoli."

Street Rodders

The National Street Rod Association held their annual Rocky Mountain Nationals in town last weekend. We were host to over 1900 vintage street rods (pre 1949 hot rods) and untold family members and friends. Every room in town and in adjoining towns were booked for the event. I have always wondered (this was their 24th year here) what someone would think if they had just pulled off the freeway to get gas or lunch and every third car they saw was a $50,000 hot rod? Would they think they jumped into a time warp or into a scene from American Graffitti? I hope So.