Halloween Rules

OK, folks, it’s that time of year to go over “the rules”:

1.- When it appears that you have killed the monster, NEVER check to see if it’s really dead. It doesn’t matter if you’ve shot it, chopped it’s head off, set it on fire, stuck a 16 gauge needle into it’s carotid artery , or dismembered it and lowered it into a vat of molten lava; IT’S STILL ALIVE!!!!


2.- Never summon aloud from a book of demonology, even as a joke.


3.- Do not search the basement, especially if the power has gone out. The batteries in your flashlight are bound to be too weak, and that third step from the top is bound to have a crack in it.


4.- If your children speak to you in Latin, or backwards, or in tongues or any other language which they should not know, don’t ground them, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. However, it will probably take several rounds to kill them, so be prepared. Stock up on ammunition and keep your AR15 .308 caliber automatic weapon within easy reach at all times. This goes double for kids who speak with somebody else’s voice.


5.- When you have the benefit of numbers, NEVER pair off or go alone. Always be in the middle so you don’t get picked off from behind or run into the large impaling device while in the front. 6.- As a general rule, don’t solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.


7.- Never stand in, on, or above a grave, tomb, or crypt. This would apply to mausoleums, sepulchers, catacombs, charnel houses, boneyards, slaughterhouses, pyramids, necropolae or any other house of the dead or undead as well.


8.- If you’re searching for something which caused a loud noise and find out that it’s just the cat, GET THE HELL OUT! If you happen to be in a spacecraft, you’re shit out of luck.


9.- If appliances start operating by themselves, do not check for short circuits or call Sears. Back slowly to the front door ease out on the front porch and do your best Carl Lewis imitation (i.e. 100 meter dash in 9.79 seconds).


.- Do not take ANYTHING from the dead; even for a short term loan with intentions to give it back.


11.- If you find a town which looks deserted, there’s probably a good reason for it. You can assume it’s not a tourist destination, and the phones definitely won’t work. Even if the wifey want to do a little antique shopping, don’t stop and look around.


12.- Don’t fool with recombinant DNA technology or subatomic particles unless you’re sure you know what you’re doing.


13.- If you’re running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice; more if you are of the female persuasion. Of course, you will also be wearing the six-inch spike heels instead of your Runmaster Air 2000’s, and branches will be whipping and roots will be tripping you. Also note that, despite the fact that you are running a sub 4 minute mile and the monster is merely ambling along at a leisurely pace, it’s still moving fast enough to catch up with you.


14.- If your friends suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, tongue-flicking, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, pointed ears, etc., immediately plunge a sharpened wooden stake into their chest cavities.


15.- Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog (if you recognize this one, you definitely need to get a life), anywhere in Texas where chainsaws are sold, the Bermuda Triangle, the Ninth Bolgia, furnace rooms in the basement of schools, or any small town in Maine.


16.- If your car runs out of gas at night on a lonely road, do not go to the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help. If you think that it is strange you ran out of gas because you just filled the tank at the last gas station 5 miles back, shoot yourself instead. You are going to die anyway, and most likely be eaten.


17.- Beware of strangers bearing power tools. For example: chainsaws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, reversible drills, combines, electric riveters, grappling hooks, lawnmowers, threshers, butane torches, soldering irons, band saws, grub axes, breast augers, wood chippers, scissor-like fingers, or any devices made from deceased companions.


18. - If you find that your house is built upon a cemetery, now is the time to move in with the in-laws. This also applies to houses that had previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion, or had inhabitants who performed satanic practices in your house. Clue: when the real-estate saleswoman says, “This house has LOTS of charm and character” as she’s standing over a Pentagram, make sure there’s a No-Haunting Disclosure in the contract.