Finally, a Post You Can Sink Your Teeth Into!

One can learn a lot of interesting things Googling.

I was surprised to learn, for example, how easy it is to be turned into a werewolf.

I am not at liberty to disclose the exact nature of the project I’m working on, but I don’t think that I’m spilling any state secrets by revealing to you that it’s related to lycanthropy. You might have guessed as much, yes?

During the course of this project I’ve done a fair amount of research on werewolves. Most of the information I’ve come across is fairly banal: the werewolf’s vulnerability to silver, his aversion to bright light, his susceptibility to wolfsbane due to that plant’s origin as a weed that sprouted from a puddle of drool of the demon dog Cerberus, etc.

Now I know I've been a little out of touch lately, but I think I still know people well enough to place all of you into one of two classes: (1) Those of you who are interested in becoming a werewolf, and (2) Those of you who are interested in avoiding becoming a werewolf.

To those ends, I have put together a brief, categorized list of Ways of Becoming (or Avoiding Becoming) a Werewolf. Those of you who are completely indifferent to the prospect of becoming a werewolf may skip this section.

Category 1: Congratulations / Condolences! You’re Already a Werewolf!
Lycanthropy is often an accident of birth. As such, there is a chance that you are already a werewolf. You are most likely a werewolf if:

1. You are the seventh-born son. (France, Portugal and Brazil only. Sorry, Argentina!) Sadly, lycanthropy is still a male-dominated profession, although in Brazil the seventh daughter has the opportunity to become a mule with fire in place of its head, known as “Mula-sem-cabeça" (Headless Mule). I swear I am not making this up.

2. You are the child of two werewolf parents. It’s not clear what happens if only one of your parents is a werewolf, but I bet it would make a good sitcom.

3. You were born on December 24 (Russia only). The upside to being a Christmas Eve baby in Russia is that people actually remember your birthday. The downside is that they celebrate it by chasing you through the village with torches.

Category 2: Curses and Enchantments
Many people become werewolves through some sort of magic. Usually an enchanted salve, potion or special beer is involved. Most experts agree that it was some combination of these elements that turned Billy Bob Thornton into a werewolf.

Wikipedia quotes one medieval authority who argued in a book he wrote that werewolves were actually sorcerers who voluntarily transformed themselves into wolves. The book’s diabolical nature is evident when one copies and pastes a passage into Microsoft Word, causing it to light up like a Christmas tree of spelling and grammar errors:

The werewolves are “certayne sorcerers, who having annoynted their bodies with an ointment which they make by the instinct of the devil, and putting on a certayne inchaunted girdle”, does not only unto the view of others seem as wolves, but to their own thinking have both the shape and nature of wolves, so long as they wear the said girdle. And they do dispose themselves as very wolves, in worrying and killing, and most of humane creatures.
I can’t quite parse that last sentence, but I think it’s safe to say that those certayne sorcerers were mostly worrying about whether they look silly wearing an "inchaunted girdle."

Category 3: Lycanthropy for the Rest of Us
“But wait,” you say. “I wasn’t born a werewolf and I hardly know any sorcerers. Does that mean I’m safe?” Or alternately, “But wait, I wasn’t born a werewolf and I don’t know any sorcerers who are worth a damn. Does that mean I have no hope of ever becoming a werewolf?” The answer to both of those questions is an unqualified no. After all, if you wanted qualified advice, you wouldn’t be here, would you?

The fact is that there are still several ways in which you could accidentally or intentionally become a werewolf. For example, let’s suppose that you were walking through the woods one night, and you became extremely thirsty. You kneel down, as any normal person would, and drink some water from a shallow impression in the ground. Then you go home, thinking that you are still not a werewolf.

Wrong! You are a werewolf! That impression in the ground was actually the footprint of a wolf, and drinking water from it has transformed you into a werewolf. I know, right? That will make you think twice before drinking water from a puddle that strange animals have been tramping through.

Even if you want to become a werewolf, you should still be careful. I mean, imagine if that puddle wasn’t water. Now not only are you not a werewolf, but you’re still really thirsty, because wolf urine is not nearly as refreshing as you might think.

The point is that it behooves you to take proper precautions, whether your goal is to become a werewolf or to avoid becoming a werewolf. Above all, avoid taking the ‘easy route’ to becoming a werewolf.

According to Wikipedia, you can become a werewolf through “the removal of clothing and putting on a belt made of wolfskin.”

I know, it sounds great: Just put on your wolf-belt and you’re a werewolf. Take it off, and you’re human again. Win-win, right?

Wrong. How do you think the other werewolves, who became accursed creatures of the night by virtue of dark sorcery or some freak accident of birth are going to react when they find out that you’re a skin-wearer? Hardcore lycanthropes don’t take kindly to the “weekend werewolf” sort. You’ll be lucky if they don’t rip off your wolf-belt and leave you naked in the woods, with werewolf gang signs written on your chest in blood. They will probably give you a wolf-belt wedgie, too.

I hope this post was useful to you, whether you are interested in becoming a werewolf, or intent on remaining a non-werewolf. Lycanthropy is a personal matter, and we should be respectful of one another's lifestyle choices.

"Hey! Poo Poo"

The other day I was stopped at a light. It was nice weather so most people had their car windows down. Suddenly, from the vehicle behind me, someone yelled.
"Poo Poo! Hey, Poo Poo!"
I looked into the rear-view mirror and saw a black guy hanging out the passenger-side window of the car behind me, yelling at a girl in the next car. She looked over and smiled, obviously happy at being called "Poo Poo."
Poo Poo? I thought. Her name is Poo Poo?
I continued to watch these two exchange words and carry on an animated conversation. They were obviously close and had probably known each other since childhood.
I can't image her acquiring that nickname as an adult.From my angle, I couldn't tell what Poo Poo looked like so I can't share whether or not she deserved the nickname from any physical traits. Like a hairstyle that looked like shit. Or a pock-marked face from years of debilitating acne.
Poo Poo has to be a nickname she got stuck with as a kid. Right?
What's really sad is that as a twenty- or thirty-something year old woman, she still answers to it. Somebody says Poo Poo and she looks up, smiles, and says something cordial back. This can only mean she finds the name endearing.
Poo Poo?
Now here's the real kicker. This is what bugs me the most and keeps me awake at night. What in the hell did she do in the first place to get branded Poo Poo?
Think about it.
Let your imagination run wild.
Get back to me.

Why Jeremiah Wright is Willing to Destroy Barack Obama

It's a generational thing.
Remember when Barack first put himself forward? The Obama's not black enough kerfuffle among the old guard civil rights activists? Most of them slowly came around, driven partly by the Clintons' willingness to marginalize Barack after South Carolina but mostly because -- it was just crazy not to. After Iowa the impossible had become possible.
But still. At some level there was this feeling, and it didn't go away. A feeling of -- this isn't fair. It fell into his lucky lap. Look at him, swanning around in front of all those adoring white kids, reaping all the props. And he never paid his dues.
Jeremiah Wright is like the return of the repressed, a last desperate lunge of the undead 60s toward center stage. Wright represents a longing for enduring relevance so deep that it is willing to sabotage the very possibility of setting out on the long road that runs past race in order to preserve the claims of a certain righteousness, a certain rhetoric, a certain stance -- a familiar and heroic sense of self-in-the-world.
It's so hard to get old. It's so hard to watch history pass you by. It's so hard to look out across a public landscape in which your style of being once loomed so large and to realize that somehow -- you are suddenly yesterday.
People who say Obama needs to confront Wright are correct. But he needs to do it simply, he needs to tell the truth. He needs to say, kindly but firmly: old man, I love you and I thank you for your service -- but your day is done.

My First Act as President

I am destined to be the Cruel, Deranged, Bloodthirsty, Despot of the Universe, so I have no need for things like campaign platforms and elections. However, since I am well over 35 years of age, and a natural born American citizen, I’m actually eligible for the job.

I have just as much experience at being President as all the front runners, by which I mean none. As an added bonus, I’m probably only half as corrupt. Of course, I would still enthusiastically abuse any power given to me, but I don’t have the running start they do.

In the coming election, I plan to vote for myself, because no one can represent my views as well as I can. Let’s face the facts. I have a perfect record of agreeing with my political views. Any other candidate could only come close.

Obviously, I need to determine what my first act as President would be. If I’m going to vote for myself, I need to know what I stand for. I’m not going to vote for a candidate without being well informed on his agenda. It’s an essential step in voting with a clear conscience.

We need a better energy policy.
It occurred to me that we need a better energy policy. With our ability to drill for domestic oil being sabotaged by dirty hippie eco-commies, foreign oil being controlled by psychotic nutjobs, hysterical pseudo-scientific ravings about global warming, Al Gore fake videos and an ever growing demand for energy in India and China, we really need to take control of our energy needs.

We could use nuclear energy, but dirty hippies stand in the way.
We could drill in ANWR, but dirty hippies stand in the way.
We could invade other countries and steal their oil, but dirty hippies stand in the way.
It seems clear that every good solution to our energy problems has a common thread → Dirty hippies standing in the way of progress.

I was struck with an epiphany. All of our problems can be resolved by developing an alternative energy source out of dirty hippies. All living things contain carbon, and thus, the possibility of being transformed into an energy source.

The benefits of Hippie fuel.


In addition to providing the nation with it’s energy needs, using hippies as fuel also solves the problem of hippies standing in the way of progress.

Every time a hippie protests our plans to invade a country of fanatical blood cultists, he gets turned into a few more gallons per mile for our citizens.
Whenever someone attempts to advance Communism under the disguise of protecting our ecology, a recycling plant can continue to operate a little cheaper.
Wherever global warming is mentioned, a poor person will keep a little warmer for the winter.
Anytime a new nuclear facility is opposed, the city lights will stay on a little longer.
Hippies also seem to think that the Earth is overpopulated, and that humans are not part of the ecosystem, but rather, a deadly plague to our planet. It seems like they would be perfect volunteers to help solve both problems simultaneously, by agreeing to be ground into an oily paste.

I’ve even invented a great product name and catchy marketing slogan for my alternative hippie fuel. I figured out that hippies like soy, “Green” is the catch-all phrase of choice for their crypto-Communism, and I plan to turn them into oil.

I combined the words “soy, oil, and green.” I call it “Soylent Green.” I’ll have to look up and make sure the name isn’t already trademarked or something.

I know you’re already blown away by my awesome idea, but wait until you check out my marketing campaign.

Of the people, By the people, For the people. Soylent Green - It’s made of people!™

As genius as my idea is, I realized that it would take a bit of public support to get it passed into law. So I decided that instead of shooting for my revolutionary energy policy right off the bat, I would start by creating a new public holiday. Everyone would cheer, “Yay! Another day off with pay!” My popularity would shoot through the roof.

The Presidential Race, Who Will Win?

It's no contest.
On the Democrat side, you have a bitch, who is a lawyer, married to a lawyer, and
a lawyer who is married to a bitch, who is a lawyer.
On the On the Republican side, you have a true war hero married to a woman with a
huge chest who owns a beer distributorship.
Is there a contest here? I fail to see it, But what do I know.

NY Times in Crisis, Bush Offers Journalistic Stimulus Plan

As the New York Times stands poised to clear 100 reporters and editors from the newsroom due to falling advertising revenue, President George Bush today said Congress should intervene to rescue “The Grey Lady” by quickly passing what he called a “journalistic stimulus package.”
Similar to the president’s economic stimulus package which rescued capitalism from itself, the journalistic stimulus package would protect New York Times readers from editorial instability, while ensuring full employment for reporters and editors whose product is no longer in demand.
Under the terms of the plan, New York Times readers and advertisers would each receive 50 percent rebates of any money they paid to the Times in 2007 that they could then apply to the purchase of future subscriptions or ad space.
Meanwhile, New York Times reporters and editors would get the following incentives aimed at increasing the value of their product, to inspire more subscriptions and to boost ad rates.
90-percent reduction of cleverly-veiled liberal bias in news stories
120-day moratorium on unnamed sources who disparage people who have names
Immediate halt to public revelation of national security secrets
Strict rationing of adjectives and adverbs
Creation of an entirely new category of factual news story, to be called “good news”
Quadrupling “positive” coverage of efforts by U.S. troops to bring security and comfort to former victims of tyranny. Such stories shall now comprise at least one percent of the daily “news budget”

Bill: Hillary Attacked Because Husband is Male

Former President Bill Clinton, under fire from the most powerful Black member of Congress for his racially-divisive rhetoric on the campaign trail, said today that Hillary Clinton is being attacked by rival Barack Obama’s surrogates “primarily because her husband is male.”
“I don’t know if Obama is trying to play the gender card, or the sexual-orientation card, or what,” said Mr. Clinton, “But I don’t think it’s a coincidence that his people are going after Hillary’s spouse for allegedly playing the race card and her husband just happens to be a man.”
The remarks come during a week when House Majority Whip James Clyburn, D-SC, said the former president’s “bizarre” conduct had “incensed” the Black community and could damage his wife’s presidential prospects if she should become the party nominee.
Mr. Clinton said Rep. Clyburn’s comments were part of “a secret Obama campaign strategy to highlight the masculinity of Hillary’s spouse and pander to that bigoted segment of the electorate that still doesn’t think America is ready for a male First Lady.”
“No matter what Obama says publicly,” Mr. Clinton added, “Everybody knows who this campaign is all about.”

More of my Work History "Teaching Math at a Community College"

Just around the turn of the century (yeah, the last one) and up until about 4 years ago I taught mathematics at the local community college. Since it was right across the street from where I live, it was a very handy job. I was, and am still, apalled at the knowledge of math (hell of basic arithmetic) of the students entering college from high school. A good number couldn't perform anything higher than addition, subtraction and multiplication. Forget about division. On numerous occasions I was asked to furnish multiplication tables to my students, and a few were adamant that "no one does math without a calculator so why do I have to learn math? I already know how to use a calculator". What has brought this all to bear was a interaction I had day before yesterday at the local Burger King.

I purchased a burger, fries and a drink at Burger King for $3.58. The counter girl took my $5 and I was digging for my change when I pulled 58 cents from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the 2 quarters a nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her register. I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two dollars, but she hailed the manager for help. While he tried to explain the transaction to her, she stood there and cried.
Why do I tell you this? Because of the evolution in teaching math since the 1960's when I was in high school and college:

1. Teaching Math In 1960's -- A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit ?

2. Teaching Math In 1970's -- A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

3. Teaching Math In 1980's -- A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit?

4. Teaching Math In 1990's -- A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

5. Teaching Math In 2000 -- A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers, and if you feel like crying, it's ok.)

6. Teaching Math In 2008 Un hachero vende una carretada de maderapara $100. El costo de la producciones es $80. Cuanto dinero ha hecho?

My Early Work Career "The Gas Station Horror"

I thought I’d post a story about the days of yore when I was in high school and worked as a pump monkey in a gas station. This was at a time before self-serve gas stations and I pumped gas, checked the oil, cleaned the windows and checked the tire pressure. Gas was thirty two cents a gallon, most fill ups were just under five bucks, and if I was lucky, they would say “keep the change”.
I worked the night shift, 6pm to midnight. I went to work after sports practice in high school at around 6:00pm. I hated the night shift. It was a Texaco station located right next door to the Kwik Shake Drive Inn, the hang out of my entire high school and of course all of my friends. You’d think that all the weirdest and worst stuff happens during the day, but nope. Guys drunk at 7pm digging through the trash and demanding change. Pissed off steel mill workers who hated their jobs as much as I did. Dumb office workers who thought they’re better than the steel mill workers. Drunk and sick college students. High school boys looking for “the rubber machine” and girls looking for a Kotex machine.
I arrive early (5:45) and clock in. I pull on the horrendously para-military olive drab work shirt (with my name on one side and the Texaco star on the other) and matching pants and I am ready to work and for the boss to go home and leave me by myself and in peace. I muttered my hello's and goodbye’s to the boss as he was leaving. He said “There’s a present for you in the bathroom…” Figuring it was one of those little religious pamphlets I was constantly finding on the counters (side note - you people are idiots. You will NEVER, EVER convert anyone to your religion by leaving a come to Jesus pamphlet on top of the toilet tank in a Texaco station, and you’re just pissing everyone off), I stroll nonchalantly towards the bathroom to remove the imagined offending item.
I open the door to discover a visage of sheer horror. Rising above the rim of the toilet like a blasphemous monolith to unknown toilet gods is the biggest turd I have ever seen in my life. Crapping this thing out must have taken an effort of Herculean proportions, as it appeared to be over a foot long, and roughly the circumference of a spray paint can. And black! Blacker than the tortured soul of Jeffrey Dahmer himself! What in the name of Jeebus Crust had this person eaten to create such an abomination? This thing was actually sticking out of the toilet! Did this monstrous turd lift the remitter off the seat as it emerged? Who had performed this feat of dreadful anal birth? Was it the “gimme a bucks” worth guy? Was it the “gotta pack of matches back there buddy” drunk? The ‘63 Corvette dude? The Pepsi delivery guy? Oh no, it wasn’t that hot girl from Central was it? I would never hit on her again if it was.
Flushing did little to diminish the hulking mass of crap. I walked out and told my boss that he’s cleaning it up. There was no way in hell that I’d cowboy up and wrangle that bronco.

His only reply was, “You should have seen it before I broke it in half”.

All of this for $1.10 an hour.

New Law Makes Everone White

In a special session yesterday morning, the U.S. House of Representatives overwhelmingly approved the reclassification of just about everyone in the country to ‘white.’ Now, anyone with one drop of white blood is officially Caucasian.
“We welcome all our new white brothers,” said an ebullient Rep. Tom Latham (R-Iowa), who has been white since birth.
Previously, under the ‘one drop’ rule, anyone with at least one black ancestor was considered African American. While many very light-skinned, curly-haired blacks like basketball legend Larry Bird and President George Bush have long passed themselves off as white anyway, Congress felt it was time to abolish the archaic rule completely.
The measure had an immediate effect. Weave sales in Jackson, Miss. plummeted 72 percent as former blacks realized that no matter what their hair looks like, it’s white. A whole fleet of businesses that anchor urban communities–check cashing places, barber shops, liquor stores and pawn shops–disappeared overnight. In their place sprang up Starbucks, Gap Kids, eco-friendly dry cleaners and Pottery Barn. Newly white illegal immigrants from Mexico also were welcomed into communities that previously scorned them.
“This ruling has really given me a new outlook on life,” said newly white Emanuel Johnson, as he tried on a fleece jacket and chinos at Old Navy. Then he laughed. “Listen to me, stringing words together like that. I sound so white!”
Throughout urban neighborhoods, people celebrated their whiteness with barbecues—but in their backyards rather than on the front lawn. Some newly white people even went so far as to serve Grey Poupon instead of French’s mustard with their hot dogs.
“This is a great day for all of us,” said U.S. Rep. Carolyn Cheeks Kilpatrick, (D-Mich.), a newly white woman who formerly chaired the Congressional Black Caucus. The CBC, in fact, now only has two members: Stephanie Tubbs Jones, (D-Ohio), and Jesse Jackson Jr., (D-Ill).
No one is sure how far the repercussions will go. Affirmative action was scrapped in a session immediately after the historic vote, and newspapers have written stories about the dual crises of white-on-white crime and the overwhelming number of whites on welfare.
Nevertheless, white-from-birth Congressmen who introduced the measure are ecstatic. They were very concerned by the projection that whites would become the minority by 2050. The new law puts an end to that. In fact, since its passage, the white population has soared 40 percent, and will remain the overwhelming majority for the foreseeable future.
“Certainly as long as we keep getting these Spanish-speaking white immigrants from Mexico, we’ll be OK,” said Latham.

Obama Calls Elitist Charge Gauche and Droll

Responding to remarks by presidential candidate John McCain suggesting he’s an ‘elitist', Sen. Barack Obama today called the accusation 'gauche' and 'droll'.
“First of all, it’s très gauche and a bit bourgois to banter about elitism at all,” said Sen. Obama, “It simply isn’t done in polite society — not among my chums from Harvard Law School or Columbia University, and certainly not in the Senate cloak room or the finer salons.”
Speaking to reporters from behind the iron gate of his nearly $2 million mansion in the historic Kenwood neighborhood of Chicago, the twice-published author noted, “It’s quite droll that my wealthy senate colleague has the gall to besmirch my reputation by suggesting I can’t relate to the hoi polloi. Me? An elitist? Why, if I weren’t such a good sport, I’d challenge Sen. McCain to a duel with rapiers.”

Can We Have the Marshall Plan Money Back Now?

On April 3rd, 1948 Harry Truman, one of the best Presidents because he did nothing, signed the Marshall Plan, sending $13.3 billion dollars to aid in the recovery of Europe after World War II.

Sixty years later that money is worth about $260 billion which would go far in addressing the problems in the US. So we will need that back now.

Actually yesterday.

Sure, I know that our country benefited from the recovery plan in the form of export markets and reliable trading partners but you are much better off now then sixty years ago. You have a European Union, a stable form of currency, buildings. Unfortunately you also have the French but good things in life don’t come without trade-offs.

We, on the other hand are about to elect a President who will tax us more so that we can have crappy health care managed by the government instead of pressuring the industry to stop over-charging the shit out of everyone.

Hospitals used to be run by churches but since they had to spend millions of dollars on frivolous sexual assault lawsuits, religion had to get out of the health care business.

Fine, we exposed kid touchers in the clergy but at what cost? So a hospital visit can cost a couple hundred dollars? I’d rather have a few priests being overly friendly with a choir boy than a trip to the emergency room bankrupting me.

Europe, we have bigger problems then just a weak economy and if we needed that money back yesterday, we will need it more on Inauguration Day. We only have a few more years until all these boomers with their social/communist ideas retire and leave us picking up the pieces and paying for their social security.

That $260 billion will come in handy.

I know it is a lot of money to come up with all at once so we can set up a payment plan, with interest of course. One more thing, if you could pay in Euros that would be great. The dollar isn’t looking so hot since we printed a ton of it in an attempt to fix our economic problems.

Hell, we will even take France if that makes it easier for you. Then we will have a place for the socialists to live.

I Got your "Little Buddy" Right Here

Our special celebrity guest columnist today is writing from an uncharted desert isle.
“Three years. It’s been three years. I can’t believe it. It was only supposed to be a three hour tour.
A three hour tour.
Who found the tree sap for the pancake syrup? Me. Who saved everyone from the WWII vet who didn’t know the war was over? Me. Who took a coconut on the nose? Me. Who became the radio to warn us about the typhoon? Me. Who towed the mine out into the lagoon, where it exploded harmlessly? Me. Who saved Mrs. Howell’s life? Me. Finally, who burned the bush with the mind-reading berries, saving us from total self-destruction? Me. Me me me.
Without me, we wouldn’t have survived on this island for a three stinking weeks.
Three stinking weeks.
It must be great being a hero, you’re thinking. The others must worship you like some kind of diety. You’d think so, wouldn’t you? No. I’m The Official Fall Guy. The Moron. The Scapegoat. The Whipping Boy. I save the island, perhaps everyone thinks I’m dead or injured, I am discovered whole, everyone thanks me and sings my praises, and then it’s back to business as usual until another crisis needs solving.
I know what you’re thinking. ‘The Skipper must really respect and admire your courage under fire. Why, by now, he must look at you as an equal.’ HAH! I’m not even going to go into what it’s like in our hut. It’s awful. As soon as the tiki torches go out, it’s the same thing. ‘Oh, (celebrity guest blogger), It’s time you met MY little buddy.’ The horror.
Does Ginger saunter over and say ‘Ooh, (celebrity guest blogger)! You’re so clever and brave. Can I rub your neck- oh, that isn’t your neck, is it? Hee hee. Oops! I dropped my scarf. I’ll just bend over and pick it up…’ No. Ginger just sways and jiggles all over the island in her form-fitting dresses and her perfect makeup, making googly eyes and pretending she doesn’t notice and revel in the attention. She makes me want to grab her perfumed neck and…hee hee hee!
The Professor? Yeah, he could have gotten us off this rock a long time ago. Of course he can fix the boat. Why doesn’t he? Mary Ann. Oh, they pretend no one else knows, but these huts aren’t exactly soundproof. Come on. In the real world, he was just a geek with chemical burns on his fingers. Yeah, some hot Midwestern babe with abs you could, well, crack a coconut on, would have gone for him in the real world. Suuuuuure. She’d dump him like an old shoe if we ever got out of here. He knows that. So here we stay, with nothing but the coconuts and the sea and the coconuts and the sand and the stinking coconuts! Well, I’m sure Mary Ann’s abs wouldn’t save her if she had a little fall off a cliff. Ha ha ha! And I’d like to see the Professor think his way out of the lagoon with a rock tied around his foot. Hee hee hee!
The Howells are the very worst example of the evils of capitalism. They think they can buy anything- power, respect and people. People! A monetary valuation of people strips away their humanity and makes them commodities. All commodities are disposable. I am not disposable! I am not some hourly employee the Howells can threaten with pink-slipping. I am (celebrity guest blogger)! I AM THE ISLAND! HAR HAR HAR!
Go get us some lobsters! HAH! I almost lost my arm to a three meter shark.
A three meter shark.
Go find some more berries from the other side of the island! HAH! That was a three mile walk.
A three mile walk.
Well, hee hee hee, I’ve got a little surprise for everyone. It may not get me off the island, but it will get me some peace and quiet. They don’t know that I actually discovered TWO mines. And I watched the Professor, and I learned a couple of tricks, ho ho, ho! I’ve got that second mine all set up under the dining table and rigged with a three minute fuse.
A three minute fuse.
I have to go now. Its… hee hee…dinnertime. Ha ha! HA HA! BWAAAH HAH HAH HAH HAH!”

Balls are Funny

Have you ever wondered why slapstick comedy is so timeless? Why is a dude catching a wiffle ball between his nads so funny? We wince as we watch it but we also double over from laughter.

The Three Stooges. I Love Lucy. Airplane. Physical humor is as funny now as it was when the first caveman got knocked in the nuts by an errant rock toss. Back in the Eighties when the Funniest Home Videos craze began, it felt like every other clip was some guy getting one in the privates.

A toddler swinging a bat and hitting the wrong ball. A skateboarder slipping off the rail and performing the ever-popular nut-cracker move. A stray baseball ricocheting off its intended target and connecting with Mr. Happy and his two trusty friends.

There's nothing like an unexpected crotch pop to bring the house down. Even the most depressed bipolar in the world will laugh at some cocky teenager popping a wheelie and slipping off the pedals to come down hard on the "its-a-boy-bike bar” (what's with that stupid bar anyway?).

Why? Why is a sack whack so funny?

Hell if I know.

Bin Laden Signs Sit-Com Deal with CBS

Osama bin Laden, whose recent video tops the charts, has reportedly signed a deal with CBS television to star in 26 episodes of a sit-com tentatively titled “The Bin Ladens.”
A CBS programming executive said his network outbid all of the others for what could be “the hottest series since The Osbournes or Keeping Up With the Khardasians.”
“It’s an edgy, reality-TV, behind-the-scenes view of life with Osama,” said the CBS exec. “The camera loves Osama, and American TV audiences can’t get enough of his lectures. They want to know the man behind the intellect.”
The series will be shot in an undisclosed location in the Wazzupistan region between Pakistan and Afghanistan. It will be bankrolled by CBS, subtitled by Al-Jazeera and broadcast on both sister networks.
“Most people only know Osama as a respected theologian and freedom fighter,” said the source. “Now you’re going to see him as a loving father, faithful husband to all of his wives and general man-about-cave.”

Car-Exhaust Oven (1930)

You can learn a lot browsing through old magazines. Remember four out of five doctors recommend Camels......
Decades before Manifold Destiny (the engine-block roadkill cookbook) Modern Mechanix published this guide to cooking with waste-heat from your car-exhaust while camping. Given that this was back in the era of leaded gasoline, I'm sure the car-exhaust imparted a magic flavor to the chow.
MEALS can literally be cooked on the run through the use of the automatic cooker shown in the photo above. The cooker is mounted on the rear bumper of the motor tourist’s car and an extension from the exhaust pipe connected up with it, as shown in the insert. The cooker contains a steam pressure kettle which is heated by the hot exhaust gases. An hour’s drive is quite sufficient to thoroughly cook meats and vegetables. Total weight of the unit is so slight that running qualities of the car remain quite unaffected. Motor tours are much more pleasant when one is assured of a well-prepared meal at the end of the trip.

Jimmy Carter, Hamas Conclude One-Party Peace Talks

Former U.S. President Jimmy Carter and the terror group Hamas, in a joint news conference today, announced they had successfully completed the third round of one-party talks aimed at bringing peace to the Jewish territories that border on the Palestinian state.
In a moment reminiscent of the famous 1978 handshake at Camp David among Mr. Carter, Egyptian President Anwar Saadat and Israeli Prime Minister Menachem Begin, Mr. Carter today embraced exiled Hamas leader Khaled Meshal then each man kissed the tomb of former Palestinian Leader Yassir Arafat.
While no one would reveal the details of the intramural peace settlement, Mr. Carter noted that the deal is so comprehensive that it’s “likely to meet the approval of nearly every legitimate nation in the Middle East.”

ABC Sorry for "Character" Debate, Plans "Policy" Forum

ABC News today issued an apology to the Democrat party and progressive pundits, on behalf of journalists George Stephanopolous and Charles Gibson, for allowing this week’s Democrat presidential debate to descend into ‘tangential character issues‘ like honesty, integrity and personal association with terrorists and racists.
To atone for this ‘gross disservice‘, ABC News said it would set aside up to three full minutes in prime time on the eve of Tuesday’s presidential primary in Pennsylvania to allow Senators Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama “to fully debate their substantive policy differences.”
As a further demonstration of its commitment to serious coverage of the issues that divide the Democrat rivals, the network said it would air the policy debate with “limited commercial interruption.”

If ABC ran the Lincoln-Douglas Debates

The Lincoln-Douglas debates, as conducted by ABC:
LINCOLN: In my opinion, slavery will not cease, until a crisis shall have been reached and passed. "A house divided against itself cannot stand." I believe this government cannot endure permanently half slave and half free.
STEPHANOPOULOS: Excuse me, did an Elijah H. Johnson attend your church?
LINCOLN: When I was a boy in Illinois forty years ago, yes. I think he was a deacon.
STEPHANOPOULOS: Are you aware that he regularly called Kentucky “a land of swine and whores”?
LINCOLN: Sounds right -- his ex-wife was from Kentucky.
STEPHANOPOULOS: Why did you remain in the church after hearing those statements?
LINCOLN: I was eight.
DOUGLAS: This is an important question George -- it's an issue that certainly will be raised in the fall.
STEPHANOPOULOS: Do you denounce him?
LINCOLN: I’d like to get back to the divided house if I may.

Read This Before You Decide to Have Children

Thinking of having kids?
Do this 15 step program first!
I have the world's most beautiful granddaughter, Amelie. I am sure her mother, my daughter, will breeze through all 15, she is getting ready for Lesson 4. Amelie is almost 6 months old.

Lesson 1
1. Go to the grocery store.
2. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office.
3. Go home.
4. Pick up the paper.
5. Read it for the last time.
Lesson 2
Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who already are parents and berate them about their...
1. Methods of discipline.
2. Lack of patience.
3. Appallingly low tolerance levels.
4. Allowing their children to run wild.
5. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's breastfeeding, sleep habits, toilet training, table manners, and overall behavior. Enjoy it because it will be the last time in your life you will have all the answers.
Lesson 3
A really good way to discover how the nights might feel...
1. Get home from work and immediately begin walking around the living room from 5PM to 10PM carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 pounds, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly. (Eat cold food with one hand for dinner)
2. At 10PM, put the bag gently down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep.
3. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until 1AM.
4. Set the alarm for 3AM.
5. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2AM and make a drink and watch an infomercial. 6. Go to bed at 2:45AM.
7. Get up at 3AM when the alarm goes off.
8. Sing songs quietly in the dark until 4AM.
9. Get up. Make breakfast. Get ready for work and go to work (work hard and be productive) Repeat steps 1-9 each night. Keep this up for 3-5 years. Look cheerful and together.
Lesson 4
Can you stand the mess children make? To find out...
1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains.
2. Hide a piece of raw chicken behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.
3. Stick your fingers in the flower bed.
4. Then rub them on the clean walls.
5. Take your favorite book, photo album, etc. Wreck it.
6. Spill milk on your new pillows. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?
Lesson 5
Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems.
1. Buy an octopus and a small bag made out of loose mesh.
2. Attempt to put the octopus into the bag so that none of the arms hang out. Time allowed for this - all morning.
Lesson 6
1. Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and a jar of paint, turn it into an alligator.
2. Now take the tube from a roll of toilet paper. Using only Scotch tape and a piece of aluminum foil, turn it into an attractive Christmas candle.
3. Last, take a milk carton, a ping-pong ball, and an empty packet of Cocoa Puffs. Make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower.
Lesson 7
Forget the BMW and buy a mini-van. And don't think that you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like that.
1. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there.
2. Get a dime. Stick it in the CD player.
3. Take a family size package of chocolate cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Sprinkle cheerios all over the floor, then smash them with your foot.
4. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.
Lesson 8
1. Get ready to go out.
2. Sit on the floor of your bathroom reading picture books for half an hour.
3. Go out the front door.
4. Come in again. Go out.
5. Come back in.
6. Go out again.
7. Walk down the front path.
8. Walk back up it.
9. Walk down it again.
10. Walk very slowly down the sidewalk for five minutes.
11. Stop, inspect minutely, and ask at least 6 questions about every cigarette butt, piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue, and dead insect along the way.
12. Retrace your steps.
13. Scream that you have had as much as you can stand until the neighbors come out and stare at you.
14. Give up and go back into the house. You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.
Lesson 9
Repeat everything you have learned at least (if not more than) five times.
Lesson 10
Go to the local grocery store.
Take with you the closest thing you can find to a pre-school child. (A full-grown goat is an excellent choice).If you intend to have more than one child, then definitely take more than one goat. Buy your week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys. Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.
Lesson 11
1. Hollow out a melon.
2. Make a small hole in the side.
3. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side.
4. Now get a bowl of soggy Cheerios and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane.
5. Continue until half the Cheerios are gone.
6. Tip half into your lap. The other half, just throw up in the air. You are now ready to feed a nine- month-old baby.
Lesson 12
Learn the names of every character from Sesame Street, Barney, Disney, the Teletubbies, and Pokemon. Watch nothing else on TV but PBS, the Disney channel or Noggin for at least five years. (I know, you're thinking What's 'Noggin'?) Exactly the point.
Lesson 13
Move to the tropics. Find or make a compost pile. Dig down about halfway and stick your nose in it. Do this 3-5 times a day for at least two years.
Lesson 14
Make a recording of Fran Drescher saying 'mommy' repeatedly. (Important:no more than a four second delay between each 'mommy'; occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet is required). Play this tape in your car everywhere you go for the next four years. You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.
Lesson 15
Start talking to an adult of your choice. Have someone else continually tug on your skirt hem, shirt- sleeve, or elbow while playing the 'mommy'tape made from Lesson 14 above. You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.

Hillary Considers Elitist VP, Obama Mulls Liar

After dodging last night’s debate question about whether each Democrat presidential opponent would pick the other as running mate, the campaigns of Senators Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama this morning issued “clarifying statements” on the topic designed to promote party unity.
During the debate, Sen. Clinton continued to portray her rival as an elitist, out of touch with average Americans, while Sen. Obama deftly dodged a question about Sen. Clinton’s honesty. Today, however, under pressure from Democrat party insiders each candidate said the other would make prime VP material.
The ‘Clinton for President’ campaign released the following statement: “Sen. Clinton would certainly have to give serious consideration to choosing an elitist, anti-God, anti-gun vice president with virtually no experience and a demonstrated propensity for attracting people who hate America, like the Rev. Jeremiah Wright, Weather Underground member William Ayers and, of course, Michelle Obama. After all, he represents a significant constituency within the Democrat party.”
Likewise, the ‘Obama for President’ movement said Mrs. Clinton is on his short list of VP candidates.
“Sen. Obama realizes he can’t be all things to all people,” according to a news release from the campaign, “For example, some Democrats might be reluctant to support an inspiring, intelligent, honest and attractive candidate with powerful speaking ability. For those voters, Hillary Clinton will bring balance to the ticket.”

Who Tried That First?

Have you ever seen or heard about somebody doing something a little strange and the first thing that popped into your mind was, how did that guy come up with the idea and the guts to try that? That's certainly the first question that came to mind the first time I watched a kid shove a nickel up his nose and snort it with a force that seemed to drive his eyeballs into his forehead until he produced this same nickel out of his mouth!

His answer was short and sweet. "I just tried it one day man"!

Perhaps the real question should be, what in the hell would possess you to attempt this? Nonetheless that day in earth science class my sophomore year of high school earned a spot in my memory.

Here’s another one. I’ve heard over and over there’s a frog you can lick and the result is you will psychedically trip! The frog supposedly excretes a poison that renders a similar effect to LSD. If this is so, I would like to know how this bit of knowledge came about! Who was the first guy to try this and what were his intentions when he licked a damn frog?

I assume it was a male; I just can’t envision a woman even touching a frog much less giving him a good lick! (Although there are things that I've unfortunately seen on the internet that almost make me want to take that statement back).

What was the motivation behind this first froglicker?

You don't have to do much more than watch the Letterman show or MTV to find other examples of people doing things they just shouldn’t know are possible. Where they get the idea or the lack of sense to try some of these things will quite possibly remain a mystery. One thing is for sure though, there are an unlimited amount of morons out there and I'm grateful for them.

Who else would make YouTube so popular?

Worst Debate Ever!

Going into tonight's debate in Philadelphia, the two millionth one we've had so far this primary season, I had one significant worry: that the bulk of the time would be taken up with process questions and media obsessions, and that issues of import would end up getting sidelined. As it turns out, I was depressingly, distressingly correct. In fact, there were times when tonight's debate ventured into territory so utterly asinine that I could scarcely believe what I was witnessing.

Twas not until the nine-o'clock hour drew nigh that a single issue-oriented question was asked. The entire first hour was dedicated to silly campaign queries and scandals both du jour and d'antan. Before a single question was posed about the War in Iraq or the economy was asked, the viewing audience had to wade through the following:

Any chance at a "Dream Ticket?"

"Bitter, much?"

"Do you think your opponent stands a chance against McCain?"

"What about Reverend Wright?"

"Wait. I have an even stupider question about Reverend Wright."

"Seriously. Who were you fooling with that Bosnia shizz?"

"Hey, Hussein! Why no American flag lapel pin?"

"Hey, Sean Hannity wanted me to ask you something, Barack! I got a question on the Weather Underground! Maybe later we'll talk about the Symbionese Liberation Army!"


All of these questions have been beaten to a pulp, grim death. And neither candidate really had anything new to add to the responses they've already offered time and time again. It was as if ABC News, left out of the twenty-four hour news cycle that spawned these zombo-droid queries, needed to get in their licks on the same matters, too, just so they could feel like they'd played a part in every last one of the primary season's glittering inanities.

Why in the world George Stephanopoulos felt compelled to ask Barack Obama if Reverend Wright "loved America" after he had already been made to give another recitation of his repudiation of Wright's remarks is a question that simply defies the imagination. What sort of sensible answer can be given to that question? It would require astral projection to properly gauge another man's emotional state. And if you want to ask Hillary Clinton to account for the odd contortions she advanced on the matter of her Bosnia recollections, just sack up and ask. Don't hide behind the additional, pointless cruelty of a random voter's scoldings that Clinton lost their vote. What a wholly superfluous pile on!

And the flag lapel pin question came with this admonishment from Charles Gibson: "It keeps coming up, again and again." Well, no shit, Charlie! It keeps "coming up, again and again" because the media resolutely refuses to obtain the necessary courage to stop doing so.

Gibson and Stephanopoulos did deign to squeeze in a few questions of substance, on the Iraq War, taxes, Iran's nuclear ambitions, gun control, and energy independence. But it was quite clear that the moderators could have cared less about the content of the candidate's responses. Instead, they concerned themselves with pinning Obama and Clinton down on a series of absurd "pledges," for the purpose, no doubt, of providing the "gotcha" questions of tomorrow.

To their credit, Clinton and Obama were thoughtful enough to broach the topic of the housing market. Good thing! It didn't occur to the moderators to ask!

The string of issue-oriented questions didn't last long. The debate concluded with a question on how the candidates would "use" George W. Bush in the future. (As a hat-rack, maybe?) And the invitation to make a closing statement required each candidate to imagine how they would win the support of a superdelegate. Process nonsense to the end.

Throughout the night, ABC returned from commercials with bumpers that featured random quotes from the Constitution, because something, apparently, needed to substitute for gravitas.

Like I said, there have been several thousand of these debates. Most, I've watched. Many I’ve blogged. A few, I have sat very still, and hoped for the sweet release that only the icy hand of death can provide. Tonight was the first time I would have dearly loved to see Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama team up and turn the tables on their interrogators.

Before ABC signed off for the evening, Gibson heard a reaction from the audience and observed, "The crowd is turning on me."

If only they'd done so sooner.

Dems Slam Bush for Latest Unilateral Move

Democrats in Congress today attacked President George Bush’s latest $200 million “go it alone adventure”, just a day after the Commander in Chief ordered the bombardment of Haiti, Egypt, Bangladesh, Mozambique and several other countries with thousands of tons of food.
Food shortages in those lands sparked riots over the weekend, which Democrats described as “internal matters” for the nations involved that could quickly become “quagmires” if the U.S. steps in.
In a joint news release, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, D-CA, and Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, D-NV, said: “No wonder people around the world hate the United States. The Bush administration’s unilateral action serves only to reinforce the perception of the U.S. as imperialist and interventionist. We demand the president halt preemptive strikes against hunger in these peaceful, sovereign nations.”
The Democrat leaders further accused the Bush administration of barraging some 78 nations with $2.1 billion in food in the last year alone “in what can only be described as a cynical attempt to achieve nutritional hegemony.”
Congressional Democrats suggested “sending United Nations inspection teams to determine if, in fact, food shortages are occurring, and then building a coalition to achieve a diplomatic solution to the crises.”

Bush to Appoint Jimmy Carter Ambassador to Hell

As former President Jimmy Carter meets this week with Hamas leaders in the West Bank and Syria, sources at the State Department say President George Bush will soon honor Mr. Carter’s decades of freelance diplomacy by appointing him as the first U.S. Ambassador to Hell.

“Bush just wants Carter to go there,” said an unnamed State Department source, “and to set up an embassy, and try to be a good listener, open a communication channel, find common ground.”

Mr. Carter has said his discussions with prominent Hamas member Nasser al-Shaer today and with the group’s exiled leader Khaled Mashaal on Friday will seek to discover areas of flexibility on the part of the terrorist organization which exists to destroy Israel.

Mr. Bush reportedly chose Mr. Carter as U.S. Ambassador to Hell because it’s a post that will allow the aging former president “to just keep on doing what he’s been doing on the foreign relations front for many years.”

Carl Berstein's View: A Hillary Clinton Presidency

What will a Hillary Clinton presidency look like?
The answer by now seems obvious: It will look like her presidential campaign, which in turn looks increasingly like the first Clinton presidency.
Which is to say, high-minded ideals, lowered execution, half truths, outright lies (and imaginary flights), take-no prisoners politics, some very good policy ideas, a presidential spouse given to wallowing in anger and self-pity, and a succession of aides and surrogates pushed under the bus when things don’t go right. Which is to say, often.
And endless psychodrama: the essential Clintonian experience that mesmerizes the press, confuses the citizenry, confounds members of both parties in Congress (not to mention the Clintons themselves, at times) and pretty much keeps the rest of the world constantly amused and fixated.
Such a picture of Clinton Redux is, by definition, speculation. But it is speculation based on the best evidence at hand: the demonstrable and familiar record of Hillary and Bill Clinton coupled together in Permanent Campaign-mode for a generation, waging a continuous fight on the national political stage since 1992, an unceasing campaign for the White House, for redemption, for their ideas (sometimes) and for themselves (almost always), especially in 2008.
The basic dynamics of the campaign, except for the Clintons’ vast new-found personal wealth and its challenges, have been near-constant since they arrived in Washington: through Whitewater, health care, the battle of the budget, the culture wars, the tax returns released only under duress, the travel office, Monica, impeachment, the pardons and through Hillary Clinton’s often repugnant presidential campaign.
In many ways, the characteristic tone, secrecy, and resilience of the Clinton political march have been determined more by Hillary Clinton than by her husband, reflecting her deepest attributes and attitudes, fermented in recognition of the antipathy held against both of them, and often, the foul tactics of their enemies. As an aide put it (quoted in my book, A Woman In Charge: the Life of Hillary Rodham Clinton):
“She doesn’t look at her life as a series of crises but rather a series ofbattles. I think of her viewing herself in more heroic terms, an epiccharacter like in The Iliad, fighting battle after battle. Yes, she succumbsto victimization sometimes, in that when the truth becomestoo painful, when she is faced with the repercussions of her ownmistakes or flaws, she falls into victimhood. But that’s a last resortand when she does allow the wallowing it’s only in the warm glowof martyrdom—as a laudable victim—a martyr in the tradition ofJoan of Arc, a martyr in the religious sense. She would muchrather play the woman warrior—whether it’s against the bimbos,the press, the other party, the other candidate, the right-wing.She’s happiest when she’s fighting, when she has identified theenemy and goes into attack mode. . . . That’s what she thrives onmore than anything—the battle.”
The latest transmutation of leadership in the campaign of Hillary Clinton for president –- Mark Penn’s departure or non-departure, be it window dressing or window cleaning –- is perhaps the best index we have of the more absurd aspects of her candidacy and evidence of its increasing bankruptcy.
The Clinton folks asserted to donors and reporters alike that this second “shake-up” in eight weeks at the very top of the campaign apparat represents some kind of great electoral moment, an opportunity for Hillary to state her case “more positively,” as if the negative approach had been forced on her; the beginning of yet another “turnaround” as if Penn, rather than Hillary (and Bill), has been the big problem. As if Penn were not an appendage of his two patrons, as if he were some kind of independent contractor twisting the candidate’s arm to do what comes unnaturally to her. The willingness of so much of the press, sensitized to the Clintons’ off-center complaints about one-sided coverage, to buy into this line is stunning.
In fact, the demotion of Penn –- like the departure of Hillary’s acolyte Patty Solis Doyle as campaign manager –- is a confession that, for all her claims of “experience” and leadership abilities, Hillary Clinton has now presided over two disastrous national enterprises, the most important professional undertakings of her adult life, both of which she began with ample wind at her back: the healthcare reform of her husband’s presidency, and now her own campaign for the White House. These two failures -– and the demonizing of her opponents in both instances –- may be the best indication of the kind of President she would be, especially when confronted (inevitably) by unanticipated difficulty and/or entrenched opposition to her ideas and programs.
It is exactly under such circumstances that she usually resorts to the worst excesses that mark her in full warrior-mode — and all its scorched-earth, truth-be-damned manifestations. Bosnia, anyone? Smearing the women involved (or even thought to be involved) sexually with her husband. Responding to Barack Obama with the same mindset, disdain, and arsenal as she did Karl Rove and Lee Atwater, as if Obama’s politics and methodologies were as mendacious and vicious as theirs–and her own. Tax information kept secret (in 1992 to hide her profits from trading in cattle futures; in 2008 to shield the identities of Bill’s foreign clients.) A campaign that openly boasts of throwing “the kitchen sink” at her opponent.
What you see is what you get: Hillary’s cynical view of the larger interests of the Democratic Party, exhibited in her 3 a. m. red telephone ad. And her simultaneous, incongruous suggestion that Barack Obama –- notwithstanding his supposed lack of national security qualifications to be commander-in-chief -– would make a good vice president on her ticket.
And, yes, a sense of entitlement that veritably shouts, “Look, because I believe in good things, and because of all I’ve been through, I deserve to win this.”
And yet, there is no denying that, compared to the Bush years, the accomplishments of the Clinton presidency, in which she was an elemental force (and generalissimo in the often successful fight against the forces of “the vast right-wing conspiracy”) are prodigious, marked by peace and prosperity, whatever the price of the Clintons’ methodologies and personal failings.
In projecting what a Hillary Clinton presidency would look like, there is the conundrum of her senatorial tenure and what had appeared to be a surcease in her Pavlovian resort to trench warfare: a period in which -– until the day drew near for her to announce her presidential candidacy –- she seemed (to her oldest friends, certainly) happier and more at ease, and straightforward in her public dealings, and less guarded, than at any point in her life since she followed Bill Clinton to Arkansas.
Hillary Clinton’s unique star power, her performance as a senator and fundraiser on behalf of her party are what gave legitimacy to the idea that she might be a credible presidential candidate: all premised on her changed demeanor in the Senate years, compared to her embattled tenure as first lady. As a steward of her state’s interest, and a patient student of senatorial compromise and collegiality, she was widely commended by former skeptics in Congress and the press.
True, her most revealing moment as a senator of national consequence was the vote she cast to authorize George W. Bush to go to war, which she’s been trying to explain since with dubious credibility. (“If I knew now what I knew then,” etc.) Twenty-one of her fellow Democratic senators had no doubts about what Bush intended, and voted against the authorization.
The second most revealing moment was her endorsement of legislation to make flag-burning illegal, the kind of pandering she once attacked right-wing Republicans of practicing. Meanwhile, she and her husband have regularly misrepresented their own postures and statements in the run-up to the war, as well as Obama’s record, with Bill Clinton claiming to have been against the war from the start, and Hillary saying she has consistently been more adamant in her opposition than Obama -– except for the matter of his single “speech” against the war before it started.
The assumption of many senatorial colleagues, former Clinton aides, and reporters (including this one) was that her presidential campaign would be much different from the one she and Bill Clinton waged through the White House years.
In A Woman in Charge, I wrote about her ability to evolve, observable especially in the years before she met Bill Clinton and in the Senate: to learn from her mistakes. Events have proven me wrong on that count.
The 2008 Clinton campaign, in fact, has been an exercise in devolution, back to the angry, demonizing, accusatory Hillary Clinton of the worst days of the Clinton presidency, flailing, and furtive, and disingenuous; and, as in the White House years, putting forth programs and ideas worthy of respect and deserving of the kind of substantive debate she claims she wants her race against Barrack Obama to be based upon.
Bill, meanwhile, has taken up Hillary’s old role as defender and apologist, with disinformation and misinformation, but (far less effectively than she defended him). Also with near-apoplectic tirades that have left their friends worried and wondering.
In the process of their search-and-destroy mission against Barack Obama, the Clintons have pursued a strategy that at times seems deliberately aimed at undermining Obama’s credibility if he becomes John McCain’s opponent — heresy in the view of an increasing number of the Clintons’ former suppporters and aides, a suprising number of whom now back Obama.
The choice ahead -– in Pennsylvania, and the remaining primary states, and for the super delegates, and perhaps even the arbiters of a deadlocked convention -– is clear enough at this point, at least in terms of what the 2008 Clinton campaign is about: the Clintons — plural. Theirs is a campaign for Restoration to the White House, not simply the election of Hillary Clinton. Theirs is, has always been, a joint enterprise, a see-saw routine in which the psyches and actions of each balances the board according to the personal dynamics of the moment.
A long-time associate of the Clintons, with whom Hillary has consulted in their quest to return to the White House, said early in her campaign: “She has a very plausible case for president. She had an eight-year super-graduate course in the presidency, a progressive platform…” He paused, and added: “[But] I’m not sure I want the circus back in town.”
That is what the Hillary for President campaign has become: the whole Clinton three-ring circus, with little evidence that moving back to the White House will alter that most basic fact.

Canning the Coors Tour--Who wants to see the peeing horses anyway?

It has been a Colorado rite of passage for decades. Turn 21 (sadly it used to be 18 when I was of that age), then head to Golden for a guided tour of the Coors brewery and, most importantly, the three free beers that come with it. But that changed on Friday when Coors, now called Molson Coors, unveiled its shorter, self-guided audio tours with less information and not as much to see.
The company made the change because of increasing demand. With a quarter of a million visitors every year -- many of them conventioneers, summer tourists and regulars from the Colorado School of Mines -- Coors said it wants to get people through the plant, and presumably into the drinking room, faster and more efficiently. The self-guided tours will take about twenty minutes versus the guided ones, which took 45.
To mark this momentous change, I went along for one of the very last guided tours on the very last day they were available, Tuesday, April 8. My goal was to see what, if anything, would be lost with the lack of a human guide.
What will stay the same:
-- The shuttle trip from the parking lot at 13th and Ford streets to the factory, complete with the driver’s perfectly-timed tour of downtown Golden.
-- Video screens and display panels explaining brewing process, enemies to beer, quality control and various Coors mottos.
-- The heady smell of malt and barley
-- The 21 means 21 song and dance (and TWINS!)
-- Fake aspen trees along the tour route
-- The fresh beer tasting room
-- Crotchety-looking employees making their way through tour groups.
What will change:
-- Malting house, barley kiln and germination area no longer on public view. (Loss analysis: They weren’t that exciting anyway.)
-- No longer guaranteed to hear Coors elves offer such Golden nuggets as, “We know how you’re going to see how we focus on quality every step of the way,” and “Bill Coors always says, ‘Barley is to beer what grapes are to wine.’” (Loss analysis: less humor quotient.)
-- Headsets will reveal Coors facts rather than robotic guides. (Loss analysis: none.)
-- No more tours on Tuesday and Wednesday, but count Sunday in for the first time. (Loss analysis: none, this is better.)
-- The fourteen tour employees will all keep their jobs, but be stationed throughout the tour route rather than leading the group. (Loss analysis: none. No offense to my lovely guide, Denise, but I already knew that beer is made from Rocky Mountain Spring Water.)
Oh, and one last thing that probably won’t change: this wisdom from the world-weary shuttle driver who takes slightly tipsy visitors back to the parking lot – “Don’t forget your ABCs. Always buy cases. Always buy cold. Always buy Coors.” --

Dear Obnoxious Morning DJ's

Hi. You don’t know me, but being blessed with a 1982 Emerson clock radio that only picks up one station, I know you all too well. Every morning at 5:45, I awaken to the strains of The Woody and John-Boy Show, or Chester and the Fox in the Morning or Big Darryl and the Rotten Chalupa, or whatever the hell dumbass nicknames you and your shop class buddy Brad couldn’t get people to call you in high school.
As I’ve been unwillingly thrust into your core demographic of People with Shitty Clock Radios, I feel qualified to do a quick rundown of the Top 100 Things I Am Looking for In a Morning Radio Show:
1. Traffic and Weather
2. Music
3. News
...
98. A constant tone in A-flat
99. A garden rake being scraped across a tennis court
100. Two failed stand-up comedians cracking lame jokes and laughing impossibly hard at themselves.
Clearly there has been some misunderstanding, because your particular morning show started with number 100 at its inception and never changed course. I mean not ever. Would tossing a song or two into the mix once an hour kill you? I know you probably don’t have access to sophisticated meteorological equipment, but maybe you could tell me the temperature outside or something. Hell, tell me the temperature inside if you want. What’s it like there in the studio, other than easily amused with a chance of mutual ass-kissing? I mean, did nothing newsworthy happen overnight? A car crash? A workplace accident? A fire? I swear to God I’ll light my car on fire and drive it into your studio if that’s what it takes to get you to shake up your repertoire of fart jokes, prank phone calls, and vague PG-13 sexual innuendo. Not to mention the constant teases for the next round of fart jokes, prank phone calls, and vague PG-13 sexual innuendo. “Up next on The Dignan and Wimpy Wes Show…another boob joke!” (guffaws all around)
Let me outline a simple fact of the entertainment industry, outlined by another Top 100 list. This time, it’s The Top 100 Jobs in Entertainment (Ranked in Order of Prestige):
1. Movie Star
2. Rock Star
3. Television Star
...

98. Online journalist
99. Andy Dick
100. Wacky Morning DJ
Online bloggers like me have a slight edge over DJs like you because no matter how idiotic and unpopular we are, at least we don’t have to rely on the fact that there are only five other Web sites available in the front range area, two of which are in Spanish. Sure, radio stations are broadcasting over the Internet now, but rest assured: nobody is listening to you on the Internet. Your range of influence is limited to the few saps in a 50-mile radius of your station whose alarm clocks are stuck on your frequency and a few parents who have completely abdicated authority of their drive-time listening habits to their 12-year olds. And don’t talk to me about “syndication.” If you reach that career “milestone,” it just means adults in other cities with broken alarm clocks and a pre-teen carpool get to try to ignore you.
At least local television personalities have the chance of screwing up so ridiculously badly that they wind up immortalized on YouTube. When you guys screw up, it sounds like every other mind-numbing second of airtime. Nobody notices, and nobody cares, because nobody is really listening. Even those people who call in and say that they love you? They’re only calling in because you’ll put them on the air:
“Hi, this is Claire from Walsenburg, and I looooove Muddy Max and the Ostrich on 108.1FM SHREEEEEIIIIIIIKKKK!!!!!!” (In the background: the sound of seven other schoolgirls crammed in a Honda Odyssey giggling ferociously while a 40-something dad contemplates plowing into the next concrete barrier that he sees)
At least when that phone call is over, little Claire goes back to something productive, like doodling hearts in the cover of her algebra book, whereas you continue to build the case that the other primates had it right when they decided to stick with flinging feces rather than developing a spoken language.
Here’s a pretty simple recipe. I dare you to give it a shot:
1. Play a song
2. Play another song
3. Give a weather report
4. Give a traffic report
5. Give a news report
6. Finish off with a dick joke, followed by spleen-rupturing peals of laughter
And I don’t even care about number six! I’m just throwing you a bone there (har!) if you will agree to numbers one through five. I’m willing to tolerate thirty seconds of middle-school humor just to know whether or not I should bring a sweater or avoid the I-25 freeway.
Please try it. If it doesn’t work, I can be one of your prank phone call victims. I promise you that I won’t see it coming a mile away.
Just like you won’t see my flaming Ford Expedition hurtling toward your studio.

History Offers Many Lessons

History offers many lessons, some awkward
First off, I don’t intend to upset anyone, although I’m certain to.
Second, I don’t intend to make direct comparisons or linkages, although I’m certain some readers will draw that conclusion.
Third, this is not intended to serve as a defense of anything George Bush has done, although it probably will be interpreted as just that.
Over much of the past three years, I’ve spent time backfilling some of what I hadn’t learned in school about our nation’s history. I started by reading several books on the Colonial period, the Revolutionary War and the late 1700s, as the nation was being created.
It was a fascinating look into the past and an enlightening lesson in history which 18 years of schooling barely even touched.
Now I am spending a couple of years similarly learning about the Civil War, with similar revelations. At present, I am reading the exhaustively researched and painstakingly written, three-volume, 2,836-page narrative compiled by author Shelby Foote, “The Civil War.”
I was ignorant of Colonial America; I have been equally uninformed about the Civil War. It is both humbling and alarming to understand the degree of failure of our education system when it comes to teaching history, and it is getting worse with the passing of precious years.
Early in Volume I of Foote’s work, President Abraham Lincoln was confronted with challenges that have never again presented themselves - and a few that have.
One in particular has some relevance to modern affairs. It involves the Patriot Act that has been such an incendiary weapon in President George W. Bush’s prosecution of his self-proclaimed global war on terrorism. Many of the circumstance of Bush’s war, still undeclared by Congress, have parallels to Lincoln’s war, which also was waged in its early stages without a formal declaration of Congress.
In the early months, Lincoln waged his war by calling militiamen to arms and substantially increasing the ranks of men serving in the Army and Navy, all without congressional sanction.
But he went far beyond those unilateral actions. Foote writes of 1861:
“Lincoln took unto himself powers far beyond any ever claimed by a Chief Executive. In late April, for security reasons, he authorized simultaneous raids on every telegraph office in the northern states, seizing the originals and copies of all telegrams sent or received during the past year. As a result of this and other measures, sometimes on no stronger evidence that the suspicions of an informer nursing a grudge, men were taken from their homes in the dead of night, thrown in dungeons and held without explanation or communication with the outside world. Writs of habeas corpus were denied, including those issued by the Supreme Court of the United States. . . .
“Congress bowed its head and agreed. Though Americans grew pale in prison cells without knowing the charges under which they had been snatched from their homes or places of employment, there were guilty men among the innocent, and a dungeon was as good a place as any for a patriot to serve his country through a time of strain.”
Lincoln, of course, is measured as among the two finest presidents ever to serve this country.
His unchecked actions in 1861, as Foote notes, were unprecedented and most likely unconstitutional. Yet they didn’t diminish his greatness.
Modern critics of Bush’s war on terrorism might easily excuse Lincoln’s excesses, with justification, while assaulting today’s Patriot Act.
But they cannot argue that the provisions of the Patriot Act, painted by Bush critics as an unprecedented infringement on privacy, is without precedent.
The only difference between Lincoln’s act and Bush’s act is that Lincoln’s was far-more egregious and reaching, and it was done without congressional consent.
I’m willing to bet most critics are ignorant of that and will not welcome this little lesson in history.

New Hillary Ad Touts Experience Firing Top Aide

In the wake of this weekend’s removal of her chief campaign strategist, Mark Penn, Hillary Clinton’s presidential campaign launched a new TV ad touting her leadership and experience in shaking up staff and firing loyal friends.
Mr. Penn, who has steered Clinton family strategy for 12 years, quit over the weekend after revelations in The Wall Street Journal that he had signed a deal with the Colombian government to promote a free-trade agreement with the U.S. that Sen. Clinton opposes. His departure comes as Sen. Clinton trails Sen. Barack Obama in the delegate count, the popular vote and in fund raising.
Fewer than 60 days ago, Sen. Clinton replaced her campaign manager, Patti Solis Doyle, in the wake of poor performance in the Super Tuesday primaries. Former vice presidential candidate Geraldine Ferraro left the Clinton campaign less than a month ago, after sparking a firestorm of controversy over racially-insensitive remarks.
In a reprise of a now-famous ad, written by Mr. Penn, the narrator in the latest TV spot says:
“It’s 3 a.m. and your children are safe and asleep, but there’s a phone ringing in the White House, because the president’s top adviser is working with a foreign government to promote a trade agreement that the president opposes. Who do you want to answer that call? Or perhaps the president’s popularity has plummeted and her staff can’t rally support for her ideas. Or maybe a key supporter, or even the president’s spouse, has made racially-insensitive remarks. It’s 3 a.m. and there’s a phone ringing in the White House. A longtime adviser and friend needs to be cut loose. Who do you want to answer that call?”
A spokesman for presidential rival Sen. Barack Obama said the new Clinton ad is a backhanded attempt to draw attention to Sen. Obama’s failure to disown his controversial pastor, Jeremiah Wright.
To combat the accusation that Sen. Obama lacks the executive experience to make such tough decisions, his campaign has introduced a new slogan that emphasizes his stable leadership qualities: “Obama: The More Things Change, the More They Stay the Same.”

Table Scraps

This Week's Survey: Eighty-one percent of Americans now believe the nation is on the wrong track. The other 19 percent are driving the train.

Cabinet Post Update: Sen. Barack Obama, (D-Teeth), vowed to give Nobel Prize winner Al Gore a Cabinet position in his alleged administration. It's Gore's destiny. He'll lead the nation's War on Styrofoam.

Maybe Try eBay: House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, (D-Gaunt), says she's changed her mind about Democratic Party election superdelegates — they're now free to "vote their conscience." The surprise statement sent hundreds of Democratic lawmakers and party hacks scurrying to acquire one.

It's a Little Embarrassing to Ask, But: Did anyone else watch that Lifetime Movie Network extended soap opera last week about former King County (Seattle) Sheriff Dave Reichert nailing Green River killer Gary L. Ridgway after only 19 years of crack detective work? Did anyone else feel the need to be hosed off afterward? Just asking.

New Airline Feature: Pay-Per-Screw: Air Canada has unveiled a new "travel-assistance" program, which, for an additional $25 to $35 per ticket, promises to help travelers find other arrangements in the event of flight delays or other events "beyond the airline's control." That's right: The airline is charging you extra to do what it somehow failed to do, at a very high price, in the first place.

Seriously: It's pure, evil genius. Airlines finally have figured out a way to profit on the one thing they specialize in: gross incompetence..

They Give and Give and Give: Oil-company CEOs told Congress that competition and high production costs justify the industry's astronomical profits and massive tax breaks. Sounds reasonable to us. Is there a way we can send cash donations directly to Exxon Mobil to help it through this difficult time?

Bag Limit — Unknown: Scientists have discovered a new fish species described as pink-and-tan-striped with a flat face, frowning mouth and armlike fin appendages. Ichthyologists say it's likely a member of the Courtney Love genus.

Second Day Socks

I was over at a friend's house the other day when he took his socks off and smelled them. I just looked at him quietly, formulating a few thoughts in my head before one finally surfaced.
"What the hell are you doing?" I asked, drawing my face together like a stale prune.
He looked up at me, still holding them in his hand, and with all seriousness, said, "Smelling my socks."
I waited for more.
He finally continued, "I love these socks, man. They're fantastic! They're wool and they're the most comfortable pair I have." To him, this justified everything.
I waited another second before saying, "So you're smelling them?"
He shrugged and said, "I thought I might get another day out of them." He threw them on the floor. "I mean, they're always funky but you never know."
You never know? You wear a pair of socks for twelve hours, at a job where you're on your feet all day, and you think there's a chance in hell they might still be fresh? For God's sake, man, the socks were molded into the shape of his feet! You could actually see where his toes had been!
I asked him why he didn't just buy some more socks like them and he said, "I don't know where these came from. They're not even mine, they just showed up one day."
I figured I'd cut it off right there. Each time he spoke, I had more questions and I knew I'd never be satisfied. But I'll leave you with one edifying thought.

They just showed up one day.

Colorado Courts to Outsource Difficult Cases

Much to the relief of the overworked members of the Colorado Supreme Court and the Colorado Court of Appeals, their more difficult cases are going to be outsourced to India, the Philippines and undisclosed countries in the Middle East.
This is believed to be the first time that outsourcing on such a monumental scale has been undertaken by the appellate courts of any state.
According to The Docket, the monthly publication of the Denver Bar Association, after years of budget cuts combined with increasingly complicated appeals, Colorado's appellate courts were faced with the prospect of either hiring more judges or finding a creative and cost-efficient manner of dealing with appeals.
The Docket quoted Cyrus Blackachre, an apparently new spokesman for State Judicial, as saying:
"Finding overseas justices and judges who could read up on Colorado law was a surprisingly easy task."
The Docket, in today's April 1 edition, also said that another spokesman for State Judicial, Eric Whiteachre, announced that Colorado courts will receive a financial windfall from the son of a former Attorney General of Namibia.
The Docket identified the son as Melvin Imacrook, who contacted State Judicial by e-mail. Imacrook said that there is $10 million in a special account in a South African bank that will be transferred to State Judicial's Colorado bank as soon as State Judicial sends its account number and a small transference fee.
"This money will really help State Judicial after all the budget cuts we had to suffer through," said Whiteachre, a possible relative to the aforementioned Blackachre.

About Memory Loss

I read an article the other day about how, after age thirty, your brain starts shrinking and your memory begins to fade. Things we remembered without a problem for years are suddenly harder to recall. The name of that band that played that song is still there, it just takes longer to access.
Memories are arranged into three categories. Procedural memory handles the storage of our shoe tying and driving and sports skills. Semantic memory stores our facts and figures. And Episodic memory covers personal experiences and events.
Of the three, evidence shows that episodic memory is the first to deteriorate. And it begins at age thirty. So right when we think we're at the prime of our lives, we begin forgetting the experiences we depend on that define our virility.
For instance, how impressive is it to our significant others if we forget what we ate on our first date? Or where we went? Or even whether or not we shared our first kiss that night?
It's a scary thought to contemplate that at such a relatively young age, we begin our slow steady descent toward dementia. Where did I leave my cell phone? Where are my car keys? A trick I had to learn years ago was that any time I handled something like my wallet or keys or phone, whenever I set them down, I made a mental visual note in my mind of just where I was leaving it. I have harped on my children (now grown) that "if you put it in the same spot every time, you will always know where it is".
Ever leave your credit card at a store? Don't put your wallet away until you've gotten your card back. Keep it in your hand and that'll train your brain. Of course you will probably forget your wallet also. Sometimes our procedural memory does things without us thinking, and we have to intercede and force ourselves to remember actions we've performed thousands of times. Just so we don't have to call our phone in order to find it.
The one good thing about all this memory loss is that the episodic type is queued up first on the disappearance list. As a human race, we wouldn't survive very long if we couldn't remember how to flush a toilet or what an offensive charge was in basketball. Or worse yet, imagine forgetting how to double-click a mouse!
I'd much rather forget my third grade teacher (Mrs. Carlson) or that paddling I got by the gym teacher, Mr. Hren because of her (ouch), or the rat's name on Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (Splinter) than how to make my signifant other's favorite drink, a Long Island Iced Tea (vodka, rum, tequila, gin, triple sec, cola). or to capitalize the first letter of a sentence. Memory loss is just a part of life that we all have to accept. The secret is to learn little pneumonic and visual tricks to help ourselves remember things.
Speaking of remembering, I read an article the other day on memory loss and how, after age thirty, your brain shrinks by a half percent a year …