Table Scraps

This Week's Survey: Eighty-one percent of Americans now believe the nation is on the wrong track. The other 19 percent are driving the train.

Cabinet Post Update: Sen. Barack Obama, (D-Teeth), vowed to give Nobel Prize winner Al Gore a Cabinet position in his alleged administration. It's Gore's destiny. He'll lead the nation's War on Styrofoam.

Maybe Try eBay: House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, (D-Gaunt), says she's changed her mind about Democratic Party election superdelegates — they're now free to "vote their conscience." The surprise statement sent hundreds of Democratic lawmakers and party hacks scurrying to acquire one.

It's a Little Embarrassing to Ask, But: Did anyone else watch that Lifetime Movie Network extended soap opera last week about former King County (Seattle) Sheriff Dave Reichert nailing Green River killer Gary L. Ridgway after only 19 years of crack detective work? Did anyone else feel the need to be hosed off afterward? Just asking.

New Airline Feature: Pay-Per-Screw: Air Canada has unveiled a new "travel-assistance" program, which, for an additional $25 to $35 per ticket, promises to help travelers find other arrangements in the event of flight delays or other events "beyond the airline's control." That's right: The airline is charging you extra to do what it somehow failed to do, at a very high price, in the first place.

Seriously: It's pure, evil genius. Airlines finally have figured out a way to profit on the one thing they specialize in: gross incompetence..

They Give and Give and Give: Oil-company CEOs told Congress that competition and high production costs justify the industry's astronomical profits and massive tax breaks. Sounds reasonable to us. Is there a way we can send cash donations directly to Exxon Mobil to help it through this difficult time?

Bag Limit — Unknown: Scientists have discovered a new fish species described as pink-and-tan-striped with a flat face, frowning mouth and armlike fin appendages. Ichthyologists say it's likely a member of the Courtney Love genus.