Dear Obnoxious Morning DJ's

Hi. You don’t know me, but being blessed with a 1982 Emerson clock radio that only picks up one station, I know you all too well. Every morning at 5:45, I awaken to the strains of The Woody and John-Boy Show, or Chester and the Fox in the Morning or Big Darryl and the Rotten Chalupa, or whatever the hell dumbass nicknames you and your shop class buddy Brad couldn’t get people to call you in high school.
As I’ve been unwillingly thrust into your core demographic of People with Shitty Clock Radios, I feel qualified to do a quick rundown of the Top 100 Things I Am Looking for In a Morning Radio Show:
1. Traffic and Weather
2. Music
3. News
...
98. A constant tone in A-flat
99. A garden rake being scraped across a tennis court
100. Two failed stand-up comedians cracking lame jokes and laughing impossibly hard at themselves.
Clearly there has been some misunderstanding, because your particular morning show started with number 100 at its inception and never changed course. I mean not ever. Would tossing a song or two into the mix once an hour kill you? I know you probably don’t have access to sophisticated meteorological equipment, but maybe you could tell me the temperature outside or something. Hell, tell me the temperature inside if you want. What’s it like there in the studio, other than easily amused with a chance of mutual ass-kissing? I mean, did nothing newsworthy happen overnight? A car crash? A workplace accident? A fire? I swear to God I’ll light my car on fire and drive it into your studio if that’s what it takes to get you to shake up your repertoire of fart jokes, prank phone calls, and vague PG-13 sexual innuendo. Not to mention the constant teases for the next round of fart jokes, prank phone calls, and vague PG-13 sexual innuendo. “Up next on The Dignan and Wimpy Wes Show…another boob joke!” (guffaws all around)
Let me outline a simple fact of the entertainment industry, outlined by another Top 100 list. This time, it’s The Top 100 Jobs in Entertainment (Ranked in Order of Prestige):
1. Movie Star
2. Rock Star
3. Television Star
...

98. Online journalist
99. Andy Dick
100. Wacky Morning DJ
Online bloggers like me have a slight edge over DJs like you because no matter how idiotic and unpopular we are, at least we don’t have to rely on the fact that there are only five other Web sites available in the front range area, two of which are in Spanish. Sure, radio stations are broadcasting over the Internet now, but rest assured: nobody is listening to you on the Internet. Your range of influence is limited to the few saps in a 50-mile radius of your station whose alarm clocks are stuck on your frequency and a few parents who have completely abdicated authority of their drive-time listening habits to their 12-year olds. And don’t talk to me about “syndication.” If you reach that career “milestone,” it just means adults in other cities with broken alarm clocks and a pre-teen carpool get to try to ignore you.
At least local television personalities have the chance of screwing up so ridiculously badly that they wind up immortalized on YouTube. When you guys screw up, it sounds like every other mind-numbing second of airtime. Nobody notices, and nobody cares, because nobody is really listening. Even those people who call in and say that they love you? They’re only calling in because you’ll put them on the air:
“Hi, this is Claire from Walsenburg, and I looooove Muddy Max and the Ostrich on 108.1FM SHREEEEEIIIIIIIKKKK!!!!!!” (In the background: the sound of seven other schoolgirls crammed in a Honda Odyssey giggling ferociously while a 40-something dad contemplates plowing into the next concrete barrier that he sees)
At least when that phone call is over, little Claire goes back to something productive, like doodling hearts in the cover of her algebra book, whereas you continue to build the case that the other primates had it right when they decided to stick with flinging feces rather than developing a spoken language.
Here’s a pretty simple recipe. I dare you to give it a shot:
1. Play a song
2. Play another song
3. Give a weather report
4. Give a traffic report
5. Give a news report
6. Finish off with a dick joke, followed by spleen-rupturing peals of laughter
And I don’t even care about number six! I’m just throwing you a bone there (har!) if you will agree to numbers one through five. I’m willing to tolerate thirty seconds of middle-school humor just to know whether or not I should bring a sweater or avoid the I-25 freeway.
Please try it. If it doesn’t work, I can be one of your prank phone call victims. I promise you that I won’t see it coming a mile away.
Just like you won’t see my flaming Ford Expedition hurtling toward your studio.