Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Another Sign the Apocalypse is Near

For some reason, this incredible news story escaped my attention. Maybe because it was published on a day I had more important things to worry about...

The Telegraph published a story that began:
A vicar attended hospital with a potato stuck up his bottom - and claimed it got there after he fell on to the vegetable while naked.
The clergyman, in his 50s, told nurses he had been hanging curtains when he fell backwards on to his kitchen table.
He happened to be nude at the time of the mishap, said the vicar, who insisted he had not been playing a sex game.
The vicar had to undergo a delicate operation to extract the vegetable.

Monday, December 29, 2008

Breaking News

An update. Shocking and frightening news has come to light that the northern hemisphere is losing two minutes of sunlight every day, and if this crisis continues, we will be in total darkness by June or July. Frightening new information has surfaced from Daylight Change Research. The data indicates drastic changes to the environment that have already started. Many species of birds, millions of individual birds have left the northern hemisphere. The impact of the loss of these birds is unimaginable. Insect life has been severely affected. Most can no longer be observed. Large mammals have been observed lying in a state of near death torpor in their dens. Crop production has fallen to dangerously low levels, and the models and the research predict famine in the very near future. In addition, computer models did not project this, but actual eyewitness observation has shown that most, if not all, leaves have fallen off all trees in the researcher's hometown. Now, these and other effects of the loss of daylight demand our immediate attention if we are to prevent a climate catastrophe. Remember, total darkness and everything that would result from it by June or July if we cannot enact policies now that change this leakage. Al Gore should be made aware of this.

Yipee! I'm, Getting $8,000,000 and the FBI is Going to Help Me

I received this via email Saturday. I know it is true because it from the FBI. Just look at the return email from the FBI to confirm it is legit.

Date: Sat, December 27 2008 02:56:51 +0100 (GMT+01:00)
From: FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATIONS
Subject: FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATION FBI.WASHINGTON DC.

ROBERT MUELLER III
EXECUTIVE DIRECTOR FBI
FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATION FBI.WASHINGTON DC.
Email: contact@fedbureauinvestigations.org
FBI SEEKING TO WIRETAP INTERNET

ATTENTION:

We believe this notification meets you in a very good present state of mind and health. We the Federal bureau of investigation (FBI) Washington, DC in conjunction with some other relevant Investigation Agencies here in the United states of America have recently been informed through our Global intelligence monitoring network that you presently have a transaction going on with the Central Bank of Nigeria (CBN) as regards to your over-due contract payment which was fully endorsed in your favor accordingly.

It might interest you to know that we have taken out time in screening through this project as stipulated on our protocol of operation and have finally confirmed that your contract payment is 100% genuine and hitch free from all facet and of which you have the lawful right to claim your fund without any further delay.Having said all this, we will further advise that you go ahead in dealing with the Central Bank office accordingly as we will be monitoring all their services with you as well as your correspondence at all level.

In addendum, also be informed that we recently had a meeting with the Executive Governor of the Central Bank of Nigeria, in the person of Prof. Chukwuma Soludo and Mr. Olanrewaju Yemi along with some of the top officials of the Ministry regarding your case and they made us to understand that your file has been held in abase depending on when you personally come for the claim. They also told us that the only problem they are facing right now is that some unscrupulous element are using this project as an avenue to scam innocent people off their hard earned money by impersonating the Executive Governor and the Central Bank office.

We were also made to understand that a lady with name Mrs. Joan C. Bailey from OHIO has already contacted them and also presented to them all the necessary documentations evidencing your claim purported to have been signed personally by you prior to the release of your contract fund valued at about US$8,000,000.00 (Eight million united states dollars), but the Central Bank office did the wise thing by insisting on hearing from you personally before the go ahead on wiring your fund to the Bank informations which was forwarded to them by the above named Lady so that was the main reason why they contacted us so as to assist them in making the investigations.

They further informed us that we should warn our dear citizens who must have been informed of the contract payment which was awarded to them from the Central Bank of Nigeria, to be very careful prior to this irregularities so that they don't fall victim to this ugly circumstance. And should in case you are already dealing with anybody or office claiming to be from the Central Bank of Nigeria, you are further advised to STOP further contact with them in your best interest and then contact immediately the real office of the Central Bank of Nigeria (CBN) only with the below informations accordingly:

NAME: PROF. CHUKWUMA SOLUD O
MR. OLANREWAJU YEMI
OFFICE ADDRESS: Central Bank of Nigeria,
Central Business District,
Cadastral Zone, Abuja, Federal Capital
Territory, Nigeria.

Phone Number: +234-330-26412

Email: cbnpayroleoffice@gmail.com

NOTE:
In your best interest, any message that doesn't come from the above official email address should not be replied to and should be disregarded accordingly for security reasons. Meanwhile, we will advise that you contact the Central Bank office immediately with the above email address and request that they attend to you payment file as directed so as to enable you receive your contract fund accordingly.

Ensure you follow all their procedure as may be required by them as that will further help hasten up the whole procedures as regards to the transfer of your fund to you as designated. Also have in mind that the Central Bank of Nigeria equally have their own protocol of operation as stipulated on their banking terms, so delay could be very dangerous. Once again, we will advise that you contact them with the above email address and make sure you forward to them all the necessary informations which they may require from you prior to the release of your fund to you accordingly.

All modalities has already been worked out even before you were contacted and note that we will be monitoring all your dealings with them as you proceed so you don't have anything to worry about. All we require from you henceforth is an update so as to enable us be on track with you and the Central Bank of Nigeria. Without wasting much time, will want you to contact them immediately with the above email address so as to enable them attend to your case accordingly without any further delay as time is already running out.

Should in case you need any more informations in regards to this notification, feel free to get back to us so that we can brief you more as we are here to guide you during and after this project has been completely perfected and you have received your contract fund as stated.Thank you very much for your anticipated co-operation in advance as we earnestly await your urgent response to this matter.

Best Regards,
Robert S. Mueller III
Federal Bureau of Investigation
J. Edgar Hoover Building
935 Pennsylvania Avenue, NW Washington, D.C.
20535-0001, USA
Email: contact@fedbureauinvestigations.org

Saturday, December 27, 2008

Died --VHS 1979 -2008


The beloved videotape format that bravely won the war against Betamax and charmed millions of Americans by allowing them to enjoy mindless Hollywood entertainment without leaving their homes -- has died at the age of 29. It passed away peacefully after a long illness caused by chronic technological insignificance, snowy screens and a lack of director's commentary tracks.

No one knows exactly when this once-valued objet de home entertainment began its journey toward that previously-viewed-video bin in the sky. Some say it was March 1997, when the slimmer, sexier DVD was introduced to American consumers. Others pin the time of death to the week of June 15, 2003, when DVD rentals first topped those of VHS. And there are some -- technophobic, time-warped souls who argue that VHS isn't deceased at all. It's just, well, resting its eyes.

VHS was maddening. No matter how many times we tried to fast-forward to a certain scene -- the moment when Leonardo DiCaprio sinks underwater in "Titanic," or the fava beans line in "The Silence of the Lambs" -- it never stopped exactly where we wanted. Inevitably, by the time we hit "play," Leo was already dead and Anthony Hopkins was already saying a breathy "Chianti."
And even in this age of DVD saturation, when you imagine someone watching porn, immediately you think: VHS. And recall that black-curtained corner of the video store that was marked "18 and Over Only," with its nervous-looking browsers.

Friday, December 26, 2008

Worshippers at Church of Free Market suffer crisis of faith

In this season of spiritual introspection, there are true believers suffering a real crisis of faith. They have been worshipping at the Church of the Free Market, and their doubts run deeper than stock brokers not answering prayers, or returning calls.

For decades, their prophets have preached economic markets function best when left to themselves, unfettered by government regulation or oversight.

Businesses, investors and traditional market forces would self-regulate, self-correct and self-enforce. Oops.

The collapse of the housing and stock markets trace their way back to decisions and choices made at the highest levels of government and commerce. The rest of us get swept along for the ride, both up and down, and suffer the consequences of hubris, incompetence and criminality.

To hear the humbled apostles for markets free of disclosure and rules begin to mumble about the need for government regulation is extraordinary. Still-tender bruises from a battered 401(k) make it hurt to laugh out loud.

Chief among the apostates is former Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan, who humbly confessed his wonderment at mortgage-lending practices to a congressional committee:

"Those of us who have looked to the self-interest of lending institutions to protect shareholders' equity, myself included, are in a state of shocked disbelief."

He was reminded he had the authority to prevent the lending practices behind the subprime mortgage crisis — was advised to do so — and refused to act. Greenspan is contrite. Millions more are in foreclosure.

Help was available through a 1994 law called the Homeowner Equity Protection Act. The New York Times reports fewer than 1 percent of mortgages were subjected to the restrictions under the law.

Three years ago, a handful of regulators were waving red flags about hedge funds and credit derivatives. Lightly regulated exemptions from most rules, they placed enormous bets — literally — around the planet. Dense and esoteric, these trillion-dollar segments of the markets seemed pretty remote until ordinary mutual funds — yours and mine — began investing in them.

The effects of deregulation and unenforced regulation were cumulative. In 1994, the Financial Accounting Standards Board changed its rule that stock options must be treated as a company expense. We are living with the hyperventilation of executive compensation and inflation of stock values.

A year later, Congress limited the rights of investors to sue, let accounting firms off the hook in fraud cases and fudged reporting practices. In 1999, the repeal of lessons-learned regulations from the Depression fuzzed the lines between retail banking and investment banks.

Every opportunity to push the limit was taken, as allowed or ignored by law. Industry lobbyists on Washington, D.C.'s K Street had their back.

My favorite bit of apostasy revealed itself ever so quietly in a New York Times column by Ben Stein, a lawyer, writer, actor and economist. And cheerleader. For Stein, the resilient economy was always peachy keen!

Two weeks ago, reality set in for Stein. At the back of a column about fear and foolishness, he slipped in a hope that President-elect Barack Obama will put meaningful regulation in place — maybe even repeal the private securities law against suing companies. Oh, and maybe inspire a more vigilant Federal Reserve.

Dare I say, there has been an epiphany. People who understand the complexities and see the connections acknowledge how precarious economic conditions truly are.

Resistance to change usually means things are not bad enough yet. We are there.

Otherwise, we are left with the wisdom of a faux person-in-the-street interview from The Onion's satirical review of the 2008 economy:

"C'mon, I've seen this happen a thousand times. The stock market crashes, and then 20 years and a world war later, everything's fine."

The exclamation point on the arrogance of the times is the refusal by banks to tell regulators and taxpayers where billions in bailout money went.

Consider it a revelation of change to come

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

A Sign the Apocalypse is Near

Plastic Surgeon Drives Car on Liposuctioned Fat
A top Beverly Hills cosmetic surgeon says he used fat he removed from patients in liposuction operations to power his 'green' 4x4 car. U.S. authorities have launched an inquiry into claims made by Dr Alan Bittner that the fat he had sucked out of patients in liposuction operations was turned into biodiesel.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Cool Story about Cowboy Singer Will Dudley

I graduated from Western State College (back in the day) and stories like this still make me think of what a great school it still is. the link at the bottom of this article will allow you to listen to all of will's music.
Dudley Earns Cap and Gown for his BrotherLuke Mehall, Western State College of Colorado News
When asked what he is graduating in, Will Dudley joked, “A cap and a gown.” It is this sort of humor, among his other traits, that the 57 year old has won the hearts of his fellow students at Western State College. Dudley will graduate this Saturday with a degree in English.The motivation for his return to studies at such a late age was his younger brother, Jon Dublin, a U.S. Diplomat who died in Iraq in February 2006. Dudley, a Vietnam veteran himself, had always told his brother that he would one day return to school, to which his brother replied, “not in my lifetime.”“Well I guess he was right,” Dudley said. His upcoming graduation is a tribute to his brother.“To honor my brother means the world to me,” Dudley said. “I would not have done this if it wasn’t for him.”Dudley, a traveling musician, attended Belmont College in Nashville, Tenn., in the 80s but dropped out to tour with Tanya Tucker, a famous country music star. Other musicians that Dudley has worked with or has befriended include Willie Nelson, Townes Van Zandt, and Charlie Daniels.After his brother died, Dudley enrolled at Adams State College in Alamosa, the closest school to Walsenburg, Colo., where he was living. His friends, Rod and Ryan Pringle, who own and operate the Waunita Hot Springs Ranch, enabled Dudley to move up to Gunnison. They offered him a free place to stay at the ranch while he completed his studies. Starting at Western in the fall of 2007, Dudley figured that he would be able to relate to his teachers, but not to the students, most of whom are half his age. But with his wit and involvement in campus and community activities, Dudley fit right in with his peers.“Will quickly became a favorite among students,” remarked Mark Todd, an English professor and Dudley’s adviser. “There has never been a sense of separation from them.” Todd says that Dudley’s popularity is due in part to his musical and lyrical talents, as well as his participation in extracurricular programming. Dudley is a popular act at the Gunnison Arts Center, and has performed there often over the last year and a half.Krista Ehasz, a senior at Western, remembered how Dudley was nervous at first about fitting in. But as she has gotten to know him through English classes, and extracurricular activities like Wordhorde open-mic nights and playing music together at the Folksong Coffeehouse, she now considers him a close friend. “What’s great about Will is that he recognizes the importance of passion,” she shared. “Will has taught me by example how to just live for what’s here.” Tiara Lopez, a junior at Western, shared that sentiment. “He has been a pleasure in my classes and always has something nice to say to me.”“That has been the biggest surprise to me that I have been accepted among the wonderful young people here,” Dudley said. Dudley notes that integrating into the world of computers was one of the major challenges that he faced. His last year and a half in Gunnison was also the first time he has stayed in one place in the last 20 years.In the midst of finals week, days away from graduation, Dudley isn’t quick to praise his efforts, or to say that his effort is complete. “I won’t believe it till it happens,” he reflected. He added that he is extremely thankful for the students and teachers at Western and for the Pringle family.“We’ve all taken away a lot from getting to know Will,” Ehasz shared. “He could be anywhere in the world right now making music and traveling and he chose to ride it out at Western. We all could learn something from the heart and determination he brings with that.” “I for one will be sorry to see him graduate,” Todd added. “I hope he continues to think as fondly of us as we do of him. It’s rare to have an alum who has already made his mark as opposed to preparing to make that mark. We can already call him one of our famous alums – just as soon as he walks across that stage to get his diploma at Commencement.”More about Will Dudley and his music can be found at http://www.willdudley.com/

Caroline, Thanks, But No Thanks

Caroline, it is not a birthright.
For people of a certain age, learning that Caroline Kennedy is 51 years old is a bit jarring. The daughter of a slain president and storied family has lived a full, busy life out of the public eye for the past 45 years.
Her sudden interest in the soon-to-be-vacant U.S. Senate seat from New York is also mildly disconcerting. The upper chamber of Congress is not the old House of Lords, with a hereditary right to office. Coincidently, she is seeking the job via appointment, how the reformed House of Lords fills vacancies.
Kennedy's pursuit of the Senate post seems as much an homage to her ailing uncle as any obvious personal interest in politics. Sen. Edward Kennedy, stricken with brain cancer, has represented Massachusetts since 1962.
Elective office defines the family, to be sure. Another uncle, Robert, was New York's senator at the time of his assassination on the 1968 presidential campaign trail. She has a cousin in the House of Representatives.
She chose a different path, away from the spotlight. She focused on raising a family and working behind the scenes in philanthropy, all with good results. As a political figure, she is essentially unknown.
Kennedy seeks to replace Hillary Clinton, who was chosen by President-elect Barack Obama to be secretary of state. Clinton ran for election to the Senate in 2000 and won re-election in 2006. Early, she strained a bit to make connections, but she made her case out on the stump.
The campaign for this race boils down to convincing one voter, Gov. David Paterson. Whomever is appointed by the governor would run in 2010 to fill out the term, and again for re-election when the seat up in 2012.
The list of political aspirants for the appointment is long, experienced and worthy of consideration, and includes women who have represented New York in the House.
Kennedy has politics in her genes, but she lacks a civic résumé of her own. She should build one. She should burnish her talents on the public's business, and then let the voters decide if the dynasty continues.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Playing Field Isn't Even for Justice in the U.S.

Let there be no doubt: There are two systems of justice in America.

If you don’t think so, consider this:

Some dopey teenager breaks in to several homes and businesses - let’s say three or four dozen places over a period of several weeks. The area of town he has targeted is on high alert, because he is hitting two or three locations every night.

So far, he has burglarized only wealthy residents and businesses with a lot of cash on hand, and his haul is approaching $1 million in jewelry, cash and valuable items, from computers to heirlooms. Finally he is caught and eventually sentenced to eighteen years in prison.

Then there’s a New York “investment banker” who, through a series of chain-reaction transactions known as a “Ponzi” scheme, steals from the rich and gives to the rich, keeping a huge fortune of the money for himself.

One of his problems, after many years of working his con, is that he is giving away more and keeping more than he is taking in. After awhile he is taking in far, far less than he is expected to give out.

In the end, he’s out of cash, but he owes his “investors” about $50 billion that he doesn’t have.

His trick, as illegal as the routine of the kid who burglarized buildings, was to lie to his clients, take their money, dish out lucrative returns, all by giving new investors’ money to previous investors, until there was not enough coming in to pay out.

Meanwhile, he was stealing hundreds of millions from the fund for himself.

The dopey kid stole $1 million, and he gets eight years in prison. The slick New York investor stole $50 billion - 50,000 times as much money - and is facing two years in prison.

If that doesn’t convince you that there are two systems of justice - one for the wealthy and one for the rest of us - consider this:

If the victims of the burglar can’t get their possessions back, they can only recover from their insurance companies.

But, it turns out, the victims of the New York investor might be bailed out by American taxpayers.

That’s right - they appear to qualify for a bailout, up to the tune of millions and millions each.

If you or I had been swindled by a bank or by a stockbroker, our accounts would be insured up to $250,000 by the Federal Deposit Insurance Corporation.

The New York investment genius, Bernard Madoff, made his services available only to a small circle of wealthy friends. You and I could play the stock market, but Madoff’s customers had a greased path to riches - because they were rich.

And, just because they were rich and trading in millions while we were average folks trading in hundreds, they enjoy unlimited taxpayer protection and the victims of the burglar are protected to the limits of their private insurance policy.

Now convince me there aren’t two system of justice.

How does this apply to people like Al Gore, the biggest hypocrite of our times?

Not only does Gore preach to the rest of us to buy electric cars and solar-heated homes to save energy, while he jets around spewing pollution out of his private jets’ exhausts, he is heavily engaged in hedge funds of the kind Madoff’s friends were attracted to.

He spent the better part of two years working at a hedge fund, saying he wanted to learn how they operate and apply that knowledge to helping the poor.

Four years later, he has shared no information that he learned on the job. He has not come up with any innovative way to help the poor.

All he has done is take what he learned to start his own businesses, built on the myth and scare of global warming, and encouraged others to put their money in his bottomless pit.

The next big economic scandal is coming - and it is green.

Monday, December 8, 2008

Use Our Knack for Innovation to Get Us Out of the Fiscal Doldrums

Most Americans are despondent about our economic mess. But if we pull back and try to rise above the clouds, there are real reasons for hope.
The combination of a new administration headed to the White House, along with our country's established leadership in innovation, has us standing at the crest of a trail that could ensure we never enter this chasm again. Let's get back on our feet and remember what we are made of.
America is the world's leading innovator in medicine, energy, information technology and almost every discipline. Our research, patents, startups and venture capital all show a country driven to innovate, to create and to dream the big dream for a better future.
United States' innovation drives our everyday lives. The light bulb. The transistor. The PC. The Internet. The human genome. An innovator's spirit cannot be doused by a few rain showers, and thrives on adversity. We are amazed by modern daydreamers and historic visionaries, including Thomas Edison, Jonas Salk, Steve Jobs, Bill Gates and others. They, like most Americans, possessed an innate disrespect for the status quo. They defied conventional wisdom and created new industries.
America succeeds where others fail because we value creativity over conformity. We respect the hope and naiveté of the young, because sometimes they are right. We seek risk, because it makes us stretch and break new ground. We support a free market for all good ideas and welcome the best and brightest from distant shores.
We learn from failure and don't punish it automatically, but we do not tolerate poor performance either. We reward the risk-takers.
Try that in Germany or Japan or China.
We must stay on the trail of innovation in spite of adversity. Be aware that the trail is prone to mudslides, flooding and more. We can allow our science and education system to continue to slide. We can cease to be the beacon in the world for the best ideas and people. We can accidentally suppress our innovation machine with overregulation and bureaucracy. We can try to protect what we have instead of embracing the challenges of a global economy.
If we slip off the trail, the America we each have been blessed enough to grow up in will die. Our productivity will fall. Foreign powers will dominate our economy.
But now we have a window of opportunity to implement energy independence, protect our homeland and create better health care. This is the moment in time to use our strengths to solve our own problems. Let's harness innovation to solve the world's woes, create jobs and stay competitive.
President-elect Barack Obama has it right. Stabilize the financial markets and economy, and then focus on solving the energy emergency. Then move to disease detection and prevention, and to the fundamentals of education and research. He is standing at the crest of the trail, ready to lead us.
Obama must rally the American innovation culture and must define the challenges. He must harness the patriotic spirit and get Americans to ask themselves how they can help, just like Kennedy articulated in his vision to reach into space.
We need to depend on ourselves for our energy solutions. We must attract the best scientists and entrepreneurs. Give government managers and universities freedom and incentives to take risks. Enlist private sector to help set the goals and execute the plan and create "green" jobs.
Let's double basic science funding to fuel the engine of innovation. We should take steps to reward, not tax, the risk takers who solve our problems. Let's appoint a chief technology officer for the United States who can make sure the bureaucracy does not get in the way of real solutions.
We must restore global confidence in American economic leadership, and reach out to the best and the brightest who want to innovate here on our shores. Let innovation become our olive branch to restore the world's respect. We will lead the world by offering solutions to the major problems of our day — energy, homeland security and disease prevention.
Let's keep on the trail of innovation. Let's take this adversity as a challenge, as our forefathers did. Let's use our strengths to seize the moment and create unprecedented change. At the end of that trail is an economically recharged America that is cleaner, healthier and stronger.

Friday, December 5, 2008

Great Headline! The Editor Should be Proud

Great headline in today's Santa Fe New Mexican:
"Man accused of break-in, poking estranged wife's pies"

Wasn't there a scene in the movie American Pie where this event was reenacted?

Thursday, December 4, 2008

Movie Review: Cadillac Records

So apparently, Chuck Berry did not get his sound from hearing Marty McFly sub in on guitar for Berry's injured cousin Marvin at the Nov. 12, 1955, "Enchantment Under the Sea Dance" in Hill Valley, Calif. And apparently the birth of rock 'n roll has nothing to do with a time-traveling DeLorean, but instead with multiple vintage Cadillacs.
I know. I, too, am confused and frightened. Damn you, Back to the Future. I trusted you. But thank you, Cadillac Records, for setting me straight.
Sometimes what it takes is a Chess Records ensemble-biopic origin myth, a tale of the momentous, messed-up musical family assembled by Leonard Chess, Muddy Waters, Little Walter, Chuck Berry, Howlin' Wolf, Etta James and Willie Dixon, among others, on the south side of Chicago halfway through the last century. And that's just what writer-director Darnell Martin has provided.
Still, I must say, I want more. Especially with Mos Def playing Berry — a weird, inspired choice. It's true that he seems, well, nicer, than the actual man, but just look at him go: There's all that duck-walking showmanship, that unabashed appetite for women, that indignation at having his music ripped off by the Beach Boys — all brought across with subtle, irreverent hilarity. And Berry's not even the main character.
Nobody is, really, although Jeffrey Wright's Muddy Waters, a mesmerizing marvel of coiled reticence, gives the film its foundation. And Adrien Brody's Leonard Chess, a Polish-Jewish immigrant playing at being the boss of African-American artists in a segregated age — supporting them, exploiting them, supplying them with all those Cadillacs — is its compass. There's also Columbus Short's potently brash and self-destructive Little Walter; Eamonn Walker's commandingly ferocious Howlin' Wolf; executive producer Beyoncé Knowles' bewitching if Beyoncé-esque Etta James; and Cedric the Entertainer's highly appealing if sometimes overcooked Willie Dixon.
Near the end, Dixon says, "We made the kind of music that can grow into anything," because it is he who has the unfortunate task of summary narration. And I only say unfortunate because there has to be so much summary, and we all know that narrative abbreviations compromise authenticity.
So what if Cadillac Records had been a miniseries instead of a movie? And I don't mean just some lame knockoff with third-rate talent wiling away the off hours on an obscure cable network. No, I'm talking about a full-blown arrangement, with commensurate budget and production values, the same phenomenal cast, free-range rights to all the essential music (well, this is a fantasy, after all), and the liberty to really get into it — to vamp and shred and call and respond.
Then it might feel like a proper epic. Then those main players might get the solo time they all deserve — something more than the standard movie-bio highlight moments of inspiration, opportunity, fortune, misfortune, drugs, sex, vanity, violence and tragic too-early death — and the absentees might even take the stage as well.
Cadillac Records is rousing, but it feels hurried and confined as a film. What we need is a sense of space, and of time. Can we get one of those Cadillacs with a flux capacitor?

Monday, December 1, 2008

Breaking News

JPMorgan Chase laying off 3,400 in WaMu's Seattle offices
JPMorgan Chase is laying off 3,400 people in WaMu's Seattle offices, about 80 percent of the people who work for the thrift there.

I am afraid that this may only be the tip of the iceberg. President-elect Obama states one of his first acts will be the creation 2,500,000 more jobs for Americans. He will need to talk with the ghost of FDR his first night in the Whitehouse and learn what the New Deal was all about and how to put that many people to work. I hope President Roosevelt did not trademark the terms WPA, CCC, CWA, PWA, FERA and others because Mr. Obama is going to need them.

Sunday, November 30, 2008

Denver Mall Shooter Stopped by Armed Shoppers

When 19-year-old Robert Hawkins entered the Park Meadows Mall in suburban Denver, Colorado, carrying an AK-47 assault rifle wrapped in a sweater, he intended to become famous by shooting as many people as possible and then turning the gun on himself.

The mentally-troubled teen left a suicide note, and a trail of evidence on his computer and elsewhere that he knew the police would spend months investigating. He had done everything possible to ensure that his name would be mentioned along with other mass killers at Virginia Tech, near by Columbine High School and the like.
He knew that the Park Meadows Mall was a gun-free zone, with signs on the entrances warning people with conceal-carry permits that they may not bring their firearms into the mall. He took comfort from those signs, as he pushed through the doors carrying the stolen assault rifle.

As he ascended to the upper deck, Mr. Hawkins could almost hear the screams of the shoppers as they tried to flee the sound of his shots, but due to the echo couldn’t discern the shooter’s position. He pictured the confused mall security guards talking over each other on the two-way radios. He rehearsed in his mind the final trigger pull that would end his mortal pain, and imagined the silence that would follow, punctuated only by the groaning of his dying victims.

That was the plan — careful, premeditated and nearly perfect.

There was only one problem: some people don’t read signs, and others ignore them.

As Mr. Hawkins moved into the ideal sniper position on the upper deck, an unnamed middle-aged man emerging from the nearby Sears department store noticed his odd behavior and glimpsed the muzzle of the rifle peeking out from the sweater. Almost instinctively the man moved toward Mr. Hawkins, reaching to his belt to draw out a Springfield EMP, a small, 9mm semi-automatic handgun.

As the would-be famous mass killer raised the rifle to his shoulder, the unnamed shopper commanded him to stop. Mr. Hawkins turned the muzzle of the AK-47 toward the commanding voice, a single shot rang out and Mr. Hawkins staggered, dropped his weapon and fell against the railing.

By this time, two other shoppers were aiming their pistols at Mr. Hawkins — a young, single woman pulled a .40 caliber Glock 27 from her purse, and a retired rancher drew his 9mm Ruger SR9 (an early Christmas gift from his wife). Together with the first man they moved in to separate Mr. Hawkins from his gun, search him for other weapons and restrain him until law enforcement arrived.

Robert Hawkins is recovering from his gunshot wound as he awaits trial for attempted murder and other charges. He faces the prospect of 15-to-25 years in prison, where police say he will be famous as “the guy who was almost famous.”

Park Meadows Mall officials said they had not decided yet whether to press charges against the three who interrupted Mr. Hawkins’ plan by violating the mall’s gun-free zone policy.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Jimmie Johnson's Car Put Out To Stud


CHARLOTTE, NC—Hendrick Motorsports confirmed what many NASCAR fans had suspected all season, announcing Wednesday that Jimmie Johnson's number 48 Chevrolet Impala would be put out to stud, ending its career in stock-car racing and living out the rest of its service life siring the cars of tomorrow.

"I'll be sad to see the old warhorse go," Jimmie Johnson said at the car's retirement ceremony, held in the maintenance and breeding garage on Hendrick's 60-acre racing complex. "We've been through a lot together, but I guess it was just time. I have to say, I'm a little envious."

The number 48 car, which traces its own championship lineage back to Cale Yarborough's 1983 number 28 Hardee's Monte Carlo and Dale Earnhardt's 1981 number 3 Wrangler Pontiac, recorded 7 wins, 6 poles, and 15 top-five finishes in 2008 and is expected to command a stud fee approaching a quarter of a million dollars.

Number 48 has already spent several afternoons in the Hendrick pasture, nuzzling the flanks of smaller cars from NASCAR's "minor-league" Nationwide and ARCA series whose owners hope to capitalize on the Hendrick car's bloodline.

"It's really over pretty quickly," said autofertility technician Ray J. Wertham, whose job is to use a complicated array of hydraulic lifts and hoists to facilitate Number 48's progress if things do not progress naturally in the pasture or on the test track. "There's a lot of stuff to adjust if a car's running too loose or too tight, and fuel mixture, oil pressure, and engine temperature are all crucial. But on a day when everything's going well, there's 30 seconds of full-throttle engine revving, maybe a little backfiring, and then they're both idling happily again."

NASCAR rules specifically prohibit artificial fertilization of race cars, which happily spares number 48 the indignity of spending too much time up on jack stands methodically and impersonally having his fluids drained. The Chevrolet will also be forbidden from mating its power train with any non–General Motors product, as the historically conservative NASCAR organization has no wish to acknowledge the possibility of hybrids running in its racing series.

"Number 48 seems like a natural, though," said Wertham, adding that his specific output at the crankshaft may even rival that of Dale Earnhardt's #3 Monte Carlo, a car known for rear-ending anything that moves. "Sure, he tried to get up on the back of one of our Craftsman trucks, but that might just be dominance behavior. Except for the cars we turn out to run the road courses at Infineon or Watkins Glen, we don't usually have cars that go both ways."

"Putting a car out to stud is a great situation for everyone involved," team owner Rick Hendrick said while trainers gave the number 48 car a wax rubdown and topped off its fuel tank, already prepping it for mounting an impressive and growing list of customer cars. "Chopping old cars up for scrap like so much dog food, cannibalizing them for parts, selling them to wealthy hobbyists who mistreat them—all of that seems inhumane."

Added Hendrick: "Letting him drive over these fields during good weather, enjoying the best in GMAC car care, gulping down premium fuel, and mounting car after car until his odometer rolls over...That's a life any race fan would love.”

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Here's a Deal For Detroit: Mend Your Wasteful Ways

While congressional Democrats are still trying for a $25 billion bailout of America's auto industry, and while the Bush administration remains reluctant to shift any of the vague-but-vast $700 billion bailout in Detroit's direction, some leading financial commentators are taking a hard line to the plea of the Big Three: Let 'em sink under the weight of poor executive decisionmaking and union intimidation.
Labor and management are sweetness and light with each other as they testify on Capitol Hill that our senators' and representatives' failure to ride to the rescue might well mean the death of one motor company, maybe more.

The fallout could be devastating — not just jobs lost on the assembly lines, but also at hundreds of companies supplying components of cars and trucks: brakes from one company, ignition switches from another, windshields from still another. Some have close corporate ties to the main manufacturers, some don't — but they and their workers are dependent on vehicles coming off the line and reaching drivers by way of the sales floor.

No cars, no sales — and no jobs for scores of Southern Coloradoan’s at our town’s dealerships, not to mention out-of-work colleagues in showrooms across our nation. Yet some of that could happen anyway if General Motors merges with Chrysler, aided and abetted by Congress.

Just cut us in for $25 billion, and maybe we'll make it ... Does that sound like an addicted nephew begging Uncle Sam for enough to buy another ounce?

Congress already lent our automakers $25 billion this fall — to re-tool factories to produce the fuel-efficient cars they insisted for years that they couldn't make.

It seems to us that Congress has a couple of choices: Gamble that second $25 billion, and who knows how much next time the executives come hat in hand — but do it with strict conditions: higher fuel-efficiency and clean-air standards, attainable but firm; bookkeeping controls that limit executive pay and executive deadwood as well as union salaries and benefits.

B-b-but you can't do that; this is free enterprise ...

So be our guests: go bankrupt — not the close-the-doors kind, but what's known as Chapter 11 of the bankruptcy code: It keeps creditors at bay while the company reorganizes itself.

Under tough bankruptcy judges, the companies would keep turning out cars, but under a new set of rules: reduction of high union and management wages — and the high health and retirement benefits that are throttling the companies' competitiveness.

Let whoever might complain take comfort that he or she still has a job — which is more than the hordes laid off in many other industries have. As for shareholders clamoring for dividends, give 'em a similar answer: Don't hold your breath; just hope we come out of this with any share value at all.

If cash infusions are still needed, Congress could provide them as part of the reorganization process. Maybe it'll take a merger or more — but as long as Honda, Toyota and other competent competitors are around, with plants here in the U.S., anti-trust concerns shouldn't keep consumers awake at night. It'll be hard for some senators and representatives to resist the urge to punish our long-blithe auto industry — but they've got to find ways of sustaining it while it shapes up, as we think it can under tough guidance.

Sunday, November 16, 2008

Joyous Occasions of the Week

It has been awhile since I have posted here so I thought I would catch up all at once.
They lived together. Dressed together. Slurped moose stew together. Rode snow machines together. Braided one another's hair.
All in the name of journalistic inquiry, for a series of TV interviews that have rivaled the Jerry Lewis telethon for sheer, stupefying length.
So it comes as no surprise that Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin, (R-Saks), announced that she's filing paperwork to formally adopt Fox News anchor Greta Van Susteren.
Kindred spirits and great minds tend to be drawn together.

Other joyous occasions:

Having Trouble Going? Thank God that the presidential election is finally over. It's past time for Americans to get back to the real pressing issue of our time, which, if you watch any TV, you already know is a global epidemic of overactive bladders and bloated prostates.

They Could Tell You About It, But They'd Have To Kill You: Vice President-elect Joseph Biden and his wife were given an early tour of their new Washington, D.C., vice-presidential residence. Jill Biden said she appreciated the chance to order new carpets for the waterboarding chamber and a throw cover for Dick Cheney's bedroom sleeping coffin.


All Frothed Up: A tanker truck spilled 1,000 gallons of buttermilk across southbound lanes of Interstate 5 near Olympia, WA . A dozen motorists were treated for high cholesterol.

We're Still A Bit Better Than Japan — A Little: Speaking for a divided U.S. Supreme Court, Chief Justice John Roberts opined that if whales off the coast of California don't want to have their brains blown out by Navy sonar, they can stay the hell out of the ocean.

The Week's News Quiz: Quick, do you know where the bulk of your $700 billion "bailout" package to rescue the U.S. economy has gone? Seriously. Can you name one place?

Speaking Of Humanitarians: In a kind bow to fans beset by a sagging economy, the non-world champion Boston Red Sox announced they will hold the line on ticket prices for next season. It was a grand gesture. Residents of Red Sox Nation might not be able to own their homes anymore, but at least the traditional $125 ticket to watch guys stand around scratching their crotch and spitting is safe.

Toxic Talk Jock Shock: Filling a pressing local demand for public commiseration over monumentally inept sports franchises, KCSJ-AM (590) is considering switching to a full-time sports format. There's no turning back on this: Radio-station managers already are having the desk microphones fitted for washable slobber covers.

Finding Her True (3 a.m.) Calling? Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton, (D-Pantsuits), has emerged as a possible candidate for secretary of state in the new Obama administration. Guess that means Bill Ayers will have to stick to teaching.

And Finally: The nation of India successfully smashed a small probe into the surface of the moon Friday. It was one dull thud for mankind.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

At White House, Obama Links Laura to George W. Bush

After his first visit to the White House Monday to work on the transition process, President-elect Barack Obama attempted to link First Lady Laura Bush with “the failed policies of George W. Bush.”
“While she may want the American people to see her as an independent thinker, the fact is that she has supported George Bush every step of the way,” said Mr. Obama. “It’s like the two of them have become one.”
Obama transition team leader John Podesta later explained that Mr. Obama “didn’t let John McCain get away from the Bush legacy either. Whether it’s polite to say so or not, for nearly eight years of this administration Laura Bush has been in bed with this president.”
Mr. Obama also accused Barney, the president’s Scottish Terrier, of being “just a partisan lapdog, eating from the hand of George W. Bush, and following him obediently. When George W. Bush gives the command, Barney just rolls over.”

Saturday, November 8, 2008

Obama Puts Clinton Vets on Team, Overlooks Hillary

As he prepares for his move to the White House, President-elect Barack Obama has already named two vigorous Democrat partisans to his team — Rep. Rahm Emanuel as chief of staff and John Podesta to lead the transition. However, insiders say he has not even vetted the most aggressively-partisan Democrat for a post for which she is “eminently qualified” — Hillary Clinton for First Lady.
“He’s overlooking her again,” said one admittedly-embittered Clinton associate. “She’s the only Democrat with actual experience as First Lady. It’s a no-brainer, and he just ignores her.”
The source said that when it comes to the First Lady post, “He’s digging in his heels. All he talks about is Michelle, Michelle, Michelle. But she’s an absolute rookie — untested, nothing on the resume. She’s just not ready.”
Rep. Emanuel served as chair of the Democratic Congressional Campaign Committee in 2005, and as senior advisor to President Bill Clinton from 1993 to 1998, while Mr. Podesta was President Clinton’s chief of staff from 1998 to 2001. They’ll lead Mr. Obama’s NPTF (New Politics Task Force), fulfilling his promise to assemble a bipartisan administration that rises above old-fashioned politics-as-usual.

Thursday, November 6, 2008

Now This is a Tough Call

So.
A judge in Houston is deciding whether to throw out Roger Clemens’ defamation suit against Brian McNamee.If the judge does toss it out, McNamee, whom I believe is telling the truth about his former boss’ use of illegal, performance-enhancing drugs, is spared further legal expense — which he certainly can’t afford — and justice prevails.On the other hand, if the case goes forward, we move to the discovery phase, which almost certainly means more embarrassing revelations about Clemens, including his alleged fling with a teenage Country-Western singer.

So.What should we root for here? Justice or dirt? Justice or dirt? Justice or …?

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

President Elect Obama

If President-elect Obama can solve all of the problems this nation has, both foreign and domestic, I will be happy to say I am sorry that I didn't vote for him. I will miss Tina Fey though.

Monday, November 3, 2008

New Dollar Bill

I received one of these in change yesterday and wondered if they are real.

Friday, October 31, 2008

Smooth Move, Travis

OK. So you’re running back Travis Henry.

Last year, released by the Tennessee Titans, you were signed by the Denver Broncos, who stick with you despite a positive test for marijuana.

Claiming to be a victim of secondhand smoke, you appeal your NFL suspension and actually win it (though you remain in the league substance-abuse program) and are allowed to play.

In February this year you tell Bronco fans, "I want to be a Bronco and make it all right. I don't want to be anywhere else. I owe those people something for all that happened last year. I want to clear my name there.”

Then you do something to anger coach Mike Shanahan enough that he flat-out cuts you in June, saying, "We did not feel his commitment to the Broncos was enough to warrant a spot on this football team. He’s just too inconsistent as a person.”

Inconsistent? Au contraire.

For in July it’s revealed you again tested positive for pot, which means a year’s suspension. Now on the last day of September you’re arrested by the feds for your alleged role in a cocaine deal?

Smooth move, Travis.

Actually, it has one advantage. Henry reportedly has fathered nine kids by nine different women, and therefore has serious child-support payment problems. I mean, you don’t have to pay child support if you’re in prison, do you? And even if you do, if you can’t pay it, where are they doing to do? Put you in prison?

Thursday, October 30, 2008

Halloween Rules

OK, folks, it’s that time of year to go over “the rules”:

1.- When it appears that you have killed the monster, NEVER check to see if it’s really dead. It doesn’t matter if you’ve shot it, chopped it’s head off, set it on fire, stuck a 16 gauge needle into it’s carotid artery , or dismembered it and lowered it into a vat of molten lava; IT’S STILL ALIVE!!!!


2.- Never summon aloud from a book of demonology, even as a joke.


3.- Do not search the basement, especially if the power has gone out. The batteries in your flashlight are bound to be too weak, and that third step from the top is bound to have a crack in it.


4.- If your children speak to you in Latin, or backwards, or in tongues or any other language which they should not know, don’t ground them, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. However, it will probably take several rounds to kill them, so be prepared. Stock up on ammunition and keep your AR15 .308 caliber automatic weapon within easy reach at all times. This goes double for kids who speak with somebody else’s voice.


5.- When you have the benefit of numbers, NEVER pair off or go alone. Always be in the middle so you don’t get picked off from behind or run into the large impaling device while in the front. 6.- As a general rule, don’t solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.


7.- Never stand in, on, or above a grave, tomb, or crypt. This would apply to mausoleums, sepulchers, catacombs, charnel houses, boneyards, slaughterhouses, pyramids, necropolae or any other house of the dead or undead as well.


8.- If you’re searching for something which caused a loud noise and find out that it’s just the cat, GET THE HELL OUT! If you happen to be in a spacecraft, you’re shit out of luck.


9.- If appliances start operating by themselves, do not check for short circuits or call Sears. Back slowly to the front door ease out on the front porch and do your best Carl Lewis imitation (i.e. 100 meter dash in 9.79 seconds).


.- Do not take ANYTHING from the dead; even for a short term loan with intentions to give it back.


11.- If you find a town which looks deserted, there’s probably a good reason for it. You can assume it’s not a tourist destination, and the phones definitely won’t work. Even if the wifey want to do a little antique shopping, don’t stop and look around.


12.- Don’t fool with recombinant DNA technology or subatomic particles unless you’re sure you know what you’re doing.


13.- If you’re running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice; more if you are of the female persuasion. Of course, you will also be wearing the six-inch spike heels instead of your Runmaster Air 2000’s, and branches will be whipping and roots will be tripping you. Also note that, despite the fact that you are running a sub 4 minute mile and the monster is merely ambling along at a leisurely pace, it’s still moving fast enough to catch up with you.


14.- If your friends suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, tongue-flicking, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, pointed ears, etc., immediately plunge a sharpened wooden stake into their chest cavities.


15.- Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog (if you recognize this one, you definitely need to get a life), anywhere in Texas where chainsaws are sold, the Bermuda Triangle, the Ninth Bolgia, furnace rooms in the basement of schools, or any small town in Maine.


16.- If your car runs out of gas at night on a lonely road, do not go to the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help. If you think that it is strange you ran out of gas because you just filled the tank at the last gas station 5 miles back, shoot yourself instead. You are going to die anyway, and most likely be eaten.


17.- Beware of strangers bearing power tools. For example: chainsaws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, reversible drills, combines, electric riveters, grappling hooks, lawnmowers, threshers, butane torches, soldering irons, band saws, grub axes, breast augers, wood chippers, scissor-like fingers, or any devices made from deceased companions.


18. - If you find that your house is built upon a cemetery, now is the time to move in with the in-laws. This also applies to houses that had previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion, or had inhabitants who performed satanic practices in your house. Clue: when the real-estate saleswoman says, “This house has LOTS of charm and character” as she’s standing over a Pentagram, make sure there’s a No-Haunting Disclosure in the contract.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Obama Informercial? Hire Lawyers Instead

Talk about money to burn: Tonight the Barack Obama campaign presents a half-hour "infomercial" on three television networks — 30 minutes more than many Americans might want in a single sitting about the person increasingly likely to be our next president.

Both Obama and Republican candidate John McCain have run some effective half-minute commercials, McCain's appearing with less frequency as his fund-raising appeal is fading and his public-financed budget of $84 million is a trifle alongside the Democratic champion's $150 million during September alone.

So after three ho-hum debates and countless "town hall" events by both parties' presidential and vice-presidential candidates in battleground states, Obama is spending scads of money selling — or over-selling — himself?

His fans will love it. The show is certain to help validate all the phone-banking and door-to-dooring so many people have done on the Illinois senator's behalf. But barring something spectacular — the candidate canning 10 three-pointers in a row? Reciting the Bill of Rights backwards? A two-minute sprint from the Capitol to the White House? — how many undecided voters will keep their remotes tuned to Obama and make their decision by station-break time?

To be sure, John F. Kennedy did lengthy commercials. But so did Ross Perot. Somehow, we can't help thinking there are better things Obama could do with his money — besides massive advertising.

Lawyering up, for example. If recent presidential elections are any indication, the next few days will be full of dirty tricks:

Spurious challenges to voters in the poor parts of major cities, where the masses are pinning their hopes on the man from the south side of Chicago

Attempts at intimidating folks by telling 'em sheriffs, bill-collectors, la migra and others lie in wait at the polls, ready to pounce on 'em for daring to exercise their rights.

Fraudulent procedures aimed at spoiling ballots — or miscounting them.

Both camps, by now, must have armies of poll-watchers organized against mischief by the opposition. But ever since the Bush campaign sent a flying squad of suits into Florida to render that state's already-faulty 2000 election system totally chaotic, Democrats have been on notice: Fight lawyers with lawyers.

Some might show up out of dedication to party principles; others might heed the advice so often issued smilingly by the late legendary law prof Walter Henry Edward Jaeger of Georgetown: Get the fee first.

Voter-registration fraud, real and imagined, could prompt people to toss monkey wrenches into the works. Cool legal minds, not hotheads from the vested interests, might be badly needed in many parts of the country to sort out valid claims from the merely vehement ones.

That, to my mind, is where Obama could better invest the embarrassment of riches that have come his way.

Sunday, October 26, 2008

McCain Plans Chain of Obama Recovery Centers

John McCain reportedly has already laid plans to heal the nation’s political wounds, and to offer new hope to countless journalists and other liberals whose faith will have been shattered by the defeat of Barack Obama at the polls on November 4.

According to an unnamed campaign insider, Sen. McCain’s “compassion for the multitudes who will suddenly be like sheep without a shepherd” has resulted in detailed plans for…

■a nationwide chain of in-patient Obama recovery centers,
■community-based 12-step groups, and
■fast-track FDA approval for a post-Obama patch (a wearable mix of sugar, Koolaid and a mild steroid) designed to “help the user through the rough spots after losing his hope for change.”
A top Democrat strategist today acknowledged that colleagues have discussed privately what they would do in the “doomsday scenario” of an Obama loss, but they’ve dealt with the threat by “simply putting it out of our minds and focusing on the transition plan for his ascension to the White House. Anything Barack can conceive, we can believe. Yes, we can.”

The strategist added that transition planning has been much easier this year because “most of the research has been done, and we’re just revising and synthesizing the transition plans we have on file for Walter Mondale, Michael Dukakis, Al Gore and John Kerry. In other words, we already know how long the drapes need to be.”

Saturday, October 25, 2008

Multo in Parvo

"A lot of dog in a small space". We now have seven dogs. These two, Angus and Max are Chinese Pugs and the latest additions to the pack. They join Elmo, Zoe, Grover, Oscar and Sarge who are all Boston Terriers. All seven are what we consider rescue dogs. they either came from the pound or were resecued from an environment not in their best interests. Angus and Max are littermates and are 5 years old. They belonged to two elderly sisters who lived together and are moving into a nursing home. We agreed to take the dogs as a pair because they ladies did not want them to be separated. All seven sleep on the bed with us. And all seven snore. One of these days I will write a tome on how dogs interact with each other, how they seem to get along fine at first meeting and how a hierarchy is established in the family. Of course I am the Alpha Male and all seven know it. They travel with us and it is a sight to behold with seven small heads sticking out of the rear windows as we drive.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

How to Screw Up Your Legacy -- The Brett Favre Way

First, play the diva for several off-seasons and hold your team — and their fans — hostage to your whims.

Second, after you’ve finally retired, tell bald-faced lies when the itch to play again proves too much for you.

Third, give no verbal support at all to the young man tapped to replace you, even though for three years he’s been nothing but a loyal to you.

Fourth, after you’re traded elsewhere, try to hurt your old team — and their fans — by calling up one of your old team’s opponents and spilling club secrets.

The first three items are documented facts; the fourth is alleged in a report by FoxSports.Com’s Jay Glazer, who says the former Green Bay quarterback, now with the Jets, called the Detroit staff to dish all he knew about the Packers offense before that team played the Lions.

A Lions executive denied the report but Lions coaches would only issue “no comment,” which is suspicious, at least. Favre denied it, but a few months back he also denied he was looking for a team to make a comeback with when, in fact, he was.

After being traded to the Jets, Favre admitted a desire to hurt the Packers, and this certainly would fit with that mind-set.

In any case, this is more reason to think that if Favre is expecting a statue outside Lambeau Field one day, he might have to wait a bit longer than he thought.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

McCain Backs Colin Powell's Obama Endorsement

Sen. John McCain today shocked reporters aboard the ‘Straight Talk Express’ by backing former Secretary of State Colin Powell’s recent endorsement of his presidential rival, Barack Obama.

In a move a McCain aide called, “self-sacrificial, but the best long-term strategy for Republican dominance,” the Arizona senator said he decided to join his fellow Republican in supporting the liberal Democrat for the same reason Mr. Powell did — because Sen. Obama is pro-choice.

“If you can’t beat ‘em, help ‘em beat themselves,” said Sen. McCain, “Obama’s eager support of abortion, up to and beyond the moment of birth, will help to rapidly deplete the ranks of Democrats, while we Republicans continue to be fruitful and multiply.”

Sen. McCain noted that since black babies get aborted almost four times as often as white babies, and blacks are 10 times more likely to vote Democrat than Republican, “one of the best long-term strategies for reducing the Democrat electoral base is by attrition through abortion.”
In addition, about half of abortions are performed on lower income women, a group twice as likely to register Democrat as Republican.

“I’ve never been able to figure out these Democrats,” Sen. McCain added. “On the one hand, they give millions to ACORN to register voters. Then they turn around and pump millions more into Planned Parenthood to boost abortions among their core constituency. You’d called it genocide if they weren’t doing it to themselves, but since they are, I guess you call it democide.”

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Obama to Joe: Plumbing in a Constitutional Right

After a presidential debate which focused on the needs of one man, a plumber named Joe Wurzelbacher of Holland, Ohio, Sen. Barack Obama this morning announced that “plumbing, like health care, is a Constitutional right, and therefore a federal government responsibility.”
“Millions of Americans go to bed every night listening to the incessant drip of a leaky faucet, fearing a flooded basement or a backed up toilet,” said Sen. Obama. “In my travels around the country, I’ve learned that single mothers, children and seniors are hardest hit. Often it comes down to a decision between buying groceries, or getting the garbage disposal fixed.”
Sen. Obama noted that since the poor usually don’t get proper preventative plumbing, they often wind up making emergency calls in the middle of the night, the most expensive treatment option.
“If this nation is going to continue to hold out the American promise of equal results for all,” the senator said, “then we need to make sure that the millions of un-plumbed families have affordable and accessible plumbing maintenance.”
The Obama plan would force employers to provide plumbing insurance to workers, slapping penalties on firms that fail to comply. But it would also retain free market options, he said.
“If you’re happy with your current plumber, keep him,” Sen. Obama said, “But my plan would also allow you to choose from a list of government plumbers, and to get the kind of quality service that Sen. McCain and I, and our Congressional colleagues, enjoy at taxpayer expense every day.”
‘Joe the Plumber‘, as he is now known to politicians who can’t pronounce Wurzelbacher, would also benefit under the Obama plan.
“Instead of buying that plumbing business and bumping himself into a higher tax bracket,” Sen. Obama said, “Joe the Plumber can simply go to work for the federal government, where his six-figure salary and the taxes on it all come from people who are compelled by the IRS to support his work. His income remains stable and grows whether his services are in demand or not. This removes the uncertainty from his business, and the burden of having to compete and of being constantly judged by customers.”

Sunday, October 19, 2008

Editorial Board Endorses Obama

Rarely has one man so captivated a nation with his readiness to prepare to serve.
That’s why the editorial board at Hunterpartyofone, on behalf of the vast editorial staff, today endorses Barack Obama for the office of junior senator from Illinois.
Although the prospect of an Obama presidency, from a satirical perspective, represents a hopeful future of full employment, the editors of Hunterpartyofone cannot let their own needs stand in the way of the needs of the Senate, or indeed, of the people of the world.
Barack Obama’s temperament makes him ideally suited to an institution that President George Washington reportedly once called ‘the cooling saucer’ of the Republic. Evidence of Mr. Obama’s suitability for this role is manifold…
According to friends (who he calls ‘Obam-associates’) , Barack Obama is so cool…
The only reason he doesn’t smoke very often is that the flame on his cigarette keeps going out.
Once, during a conference committee meeting, Rep. Barney Frank borrowed Sen. Obama’s pen, and immediately got his tongue stuck to its frosty surface. Even then, Sen. Obama was so cool, he just reached over and snapped the pen from Rep. Frank’s mouth, leaving the grateful Congressman with no lasting effect but a barely-noticeable speech impediment.
At a recent concert and political rally, when Bruce Springsteen got ‘The Fever’, he skipped the Tylenol, because his friend Barack was there. When The Boss sang ‘I’m on Fire’, Sen. Obama extinguished him.
When his wife Michelle, his former pastor Jeremiah Wright, or a guy in his neighborhood named Bill Ayers, occasionally let loose with fiery outbursts of anger, just being near Barack Obama allows them to ‘chill’ like a typical white grandmother, shivering because she just saw a black man.
Despite his elite education in private schools and substantial wealth acquired through individual initiative, he calmly tells fellow African-Americans that their only hope lies in dependence upon union bosses and government social programs.
When pondering the fate of an aborted infant, accidentally born alive, he can dispassionately discourse on whether the mother’s right to privacy, under the Roe v. Wade amendment to the Constitution, should continue until the baby’s first, or second, bounce on the delivery room floor.
All told, we find a man with a public personality that forgoes the messy ‘person’ part. He’s a man who connects with the emotions of a crowd, like a magnet attracts its polar opposite, because his heart is a lean and pure blood-pumping muscle, unhindered by emotion.
Barack Obama’s experience with, and oft-stated appreciation of, John McCain’s decades of service, will make him a leader among his senate colleagues in reaching out to President McCain to write new sentences in his own multi-paragraph history of ‘Great Acts of Bipartisanship’.
Sen. Obama’s sparse record of writing legislation means only two things…1) as they say in baseball, “He’s due” (a significant bill could emerge from his pen any minute), and2) he’s rested, ready to craft laws that will shape our future.
Sen. Obama’s legislative track record makes the so-called ‘do-nothing Congress’, by comparison, seem like a beehive of activity and accomplishment. With its historically-low approval ratings, Congress needs someone who will make it look good.
While critics contend that his entire Senate tenure has been little but a series of tactical maneuvers in a carefully-calculated strategy to become president, Obam-associates know that his aspiration to higher office makes him a better senator because he’s likely to avoid controversy as he cultivates his reputation, thus fostering a more civil atmosphere at the Capitol.
The Senate’s leisurely pace (he once called it ‘glacial’) also provides the ideal setting for writing — perhaps that eagerly-awaited third memoir, tentatively entitled “Brush with Greatness: Ordinary American’s Stories About Meeting Barack Obama.”

Saturday, October 18, 2008

Mourning a Country Long Ago

Meanwhile, back at the War on Terror ...
You remember the War on Terror, don't you? It was in all the papers. Back before presidential politics sucked the air from the room and your 401(k) shrank till it was worth maybe dinner and a movie, it was considered quite the important news story. Abu Ghraib? Extraordinary renditions? Fight 'em over there so we don't have to fight 'em over here? Surely, you recall.
I ask only because of a news story that broke last week to a yawn of media disinterest. The Washington Post reported on two secret White House memos explicitly endorsing the use of waterboarding — simulated drowning — on so-called high-value terrorism suspects. This is, says the Post, the first time the still-classified memos have been disclosed. They were written in response to requests from then-CIA Director George Tenet, who worried his agents might be hung out to dry if the practice were discovered and the people or their representatives demanded someone's head.
According to the Post, the White House issued written authorizations in 2003 and 2004. Yet in 2006, President Bush told the nation, "The United States does not torture. It's against our laws, and it's against our values. I have not authorized it — and I will not authorize it."
Which was, of course, a lie.
You'd think the latest proof of that lie — yet another smoking gun to stack with all the others — would merit attention. But a computer search Thursday turned up only seven newspaper stories mentioning the memos. Searches of the CNN and Fox News Web sites also came up dry, though the story did appear on MSNBC's site.
If you think my point is that the media missed an important story, it isn't. No, the point is that normal is not where we thought it would be.
You remember how it was just after Sept. 11, 2001, right? Some of us vowed we would never enter a skyscraper again. Some of us didn't want to leave our houses again. The minutiae of popular culture became staggeringly unimportant. Humorists like David Letterman Dave Barry wondered if they could ever return to the business of laughter.
We were scared dry. And some of us said: Get used to it. This was the new normal.
But skyscrapers did not close from lack of use. We did not become a nation of agoraphobics. We did not lose our interest in singers and movie stars. Letterman and Barry went back to work.
Fear, which had cut through us like a hot poker, became instead a low-grade fever, ambient noise, wallpaper, something you feel without feeling, hear without hearing, see without seeing.
Then you look up one day and realize how profoundly that fear has changed your world. People are imprisoned without charges or access to attorneys, and it's routine. People are surveilled, their reading habits studied, their telephone usage logged, and it's commonplace. People, including children, end up on a secret list of those who are not allowed to fly, nobody will tell you why, there is no appeal, and it's ordinary. We swallow lies like candy, nod sagely at babblespeak, and it's unexceptional.
Torture is inflicted with White House approval, the president lies about it and it's just another Tuesday.
Once upon a time, Americans were fond of looking upon backward nations, upon places where law was whatever the king said it was, and noting with pride that we do things differently in our country. But that was a day long ago and a country long gone.
If we miss the one or mourn the other, you'd never know it to look at us. We live through what feels evermore like a Joe McCarthy fever dream. We feel without feeling, hear without hearing, see without seeing and do not protest what we have become.
Because this is normal now.

Friday, October 17, 2008

Four Tops Frontman Levi Stubbs Dead at 72

DETROIT – Four Tops frontman Levi Stubbs, whose dynamic and emotive voice drove such Motown classics as "Reach Out (I'll Be There)" and "Baby I Need Your Loving," died Friday at 72.

He had been ill recently and died in his sleep at the Detroit house he shared with his wife, said Dana Meah, the wife of a grandson. The Wayne County medical examiner's office also confirmed the death.

With Stubbs in the lead, the Four Tops sold millions of records and performed for more than four decades without a change in personnel.

"Levi Stubbs was one of the great voices of all times," former Motown labelmate Smokey Robinson said. "He was very near and dear to my heart. He was my friend and my brother, I miss him. God bless his family and comfort them."

The Four Tops began singing together in 1953 under the name the Four Aims and signed a deal with Chess Records. They later changed their names to the Four Tops to avoid being confused with the Ames Brothers.

They also recorded for Red Top, Riverside and Columbia Records and toured supper clubs.

The Four Tops signed with Motown Records in 1963 and produced 20 Top-40 hits over the next 10 years, making music history with the other acts in Berry Gordy's Motown stable.

"It is not only a tremendous personal loss for me, but for the Motown family, and people all over the world who were touched by his rare voice and remarkable spirit," Gordy said Friday. "Levi was the greatest interpreter of songs I've ever heard."

When he and others at Motown first heard "Baby I Need Your Loving," Gordy remembered: "Levi's voice exploded in the room and went straight for our hearts. We all knew it was a hit, hands down."

Their biggest hits were recorded between 1964 and 1967 with the in-house songwriting and production team of Brian Holland, Lamont Dozier and Eddie Holland. Both 1965's "I Can't Help Myself (Sugar Pie, Honey Bunch)" and 1966's "Reach Out" went to No. 1 on the Billboard pop chart.

Other hits included "Shake Me, Wake Me" (1966), "Bernadette" and "Standing in the Shadows of Love" (both 1967).

The acclaimed documentary film "Standing in the Shadows of Motown," which took its name from the Four Tops song, was released in 2002 and focused on the Funk Brothers, the talented but unheralded musicians who played backup on many Motown recordings.

While Stubbs didn't play a direct role in the film's production, director Paul Justman spoke Friday of the singer's immense talent.

"He was a tremendous artist," Justman said.

Stubbs "fits right up there with all the icons of Motown," said Audley Smith, chief operating officer of the Motown Historical Museum. "His voice was as unique as Marvin's or as Smokey's or as Stevie's."

The Four Tops toured for decades after their heyday and reached the charts as late as 1988 with "Indestructible" on Arista Records. In 1986, Stubbs provided the voice for Audrey II the man-eating plant in the film "Little Shop of Horrors."

The group was inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame in 1990 and has a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame.

Stubbs' death leaves one surviving member of the original group: Abdul "Duke" Fakir. Original Top Lawrence Payton died of liver cancer in 1997. Renaldo "Obie" Benson died of lung cancer in 2005.

Stubbs hadn't done much performing in recent years because of his declining health, but was known to step up on stage from time to time when a Motown touring production came through Detroit.

He was born in 1936 and attended Detroit's Pershing High School, where he sang with Fakir. They met fellow Payton and Benson while singing at a mutual friend's birthday party, then decided to form a group.

Stubbs is survived by his wife Clineice, five children and 11 grandchildren.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Bush Calls For Panic

WASHINGTON—In a nationally televised address to the American people Wednesday night, President Bush called upon every man, woman, and child to spiral uncontrollably downward into complete and utter panic.

President Bush addresses the nation shortly before shaving his head and soaking the Oval Office in his own urine.
Speaking from the Oval Office, Bush assured citizens that in these times of great uncertainty, the best and only course of action is to come under the throes of a sudden, overwhelming fear marked by hysterical or irrational behavior.

"My fellow Americans, the time for running aimlessly through streets while shrieking and waving our arms above our heads is now," Bush said. "I understand that many of you are worried about your economic future and our situation overseas, and you have every right to be. Yet there is only one thing we as a nation can do in times like these: give up all hope and devolve into a lawless, post-apocalyptic, every-man-for-himself society."

"For those of you who have remained resolute in your belief that things will turn around eventually, I urge you to close your eyes, take shallow rapid breaths, and begin freaking out immediately," Bush added. "At this point, anyone who isn't scared to death needs to wake the heck up—because we're screwed here.

The Department of Homeland Security's website provides information for Americans not currently losing their minds.
The president then picked up the telephone from his desk and hurled it through the Oval Office window.

During the address, Bush laid out a historic five-point plan for panic that he hopes will help the American people fall apart as quickly as possible. The plan—which many are calling Bush's most well-thought-out proposal to date—calls for citizens to abandon their daily routines entirely, and engage in a weeklong period of bloodcurdling screaming, arm flailing, dry heaving, and gnawing on one's fingers while rocking back and forth in alternating bouts of maniacal laughter and gentle sobbing.

Under the new bill, Americans are also advised to withdraw all their money from U.S. banks and the stock market, place it in a Maxwell House coffee tin, and bury it in a safe place in their backyard. In addition, Bush has urged the legalization of Americans trampling one another in a mad rush to compete for the nation's dwindling resources, and proposed allocating $3 billion toward a program that would give every citizen a gun and a bottle of 140-proof whiskey.

The final part of the plan calls for the immediate release of all convicted felons and death-row inmates from the nation's prisons.

Immediately after Congress approves his plan, the president said he will order multiple B-2 stealth bombers to fly over America's cities at low altitude. The resulting sonic boom, Bush said, will set off all car alarms and cause all babies to cry uncontrollably, which he believes will promote a real sense of chaos throughout the nation. In addition, Bush intends to release 50 live cobras into the Senate chamber.

"I realize this is a difficult vote for members of Congress, but at this critical time in our nation's history, it is imperative that we not sit back and pretend like everything is fine, because everything's not fine, it's just not," Bush said. "Even if Congress fails to act, I still intend to do what is right and lead this country into mass hysteria by acting outside the framework of the U.S. Constitution, overriding the entire democratic process, and setting the Lincoln Memorial on fire."

Early reactions on Capitol Hill to Bush's call for panic have thus far been positive. Leading House Republicans and Democrats said they appreciate the president's candor, and will encourage their constituents to comply with Bush's request to "find something and smash it with all of their strength."

"For most of the day tomorrow, I intend to do my part by remaining in my boarded-up home and getting worked up about our standing in the world," Pacoima, CA resident Harold Miller said. "And then at night, I plan to lie awake in my bed and be scared to death about the loss of my job, pension, and retirement fund. Then I plan to run out into the streets in my bathrobe and shout that the End of Days is coming."

Bush told Americans that if at any point they catch themselves feeling even slightly at ease, they should remind themselves that, in the end, everything is going to be completely FUBAR.